Nurture

The Effects of Rejection in Childhood – What You Need To Know

The effects of rejection in childhood can be serious, here are some ways parents can communicate acceptance to their children.

Before we get started, let’s be real…

Life brings trouble and there will be times when we don’t react how we should. It happens to us all…it’s unavoidable.

The goal of parenting is not that we are perfect, however, but that our hearts are for our children.

What is Rejection?

Our children will know it if our heart is there for them. If we seek to understand and love them, they will feel loved and understood.

Major rejection will not occur accidentally or by accident, but by repeated purposeful or neglectful events.

In fact, if you’re here, this concept is probably completely foreign to you, but take note. It may be the exact thing you need to file away for memory and bring up with a friend or family member later.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

When someone says the word rejection, you probably think of a high school movie like Mean Girls. Rejection by our peers is very hurtful, no doubt, but did you know that those who suffer rejection in their home are far more likely to suffer rejection in other arenas of life as well?

Rejection in the home does not simply mean that one parent declares they do not love their child.

If only it were that simple (and horrible)… there would be far fewer people suffering the ills of rejection. No, rejection can take on many subtle forms and when it is left unattended, can wreak havoc on a person’s psyche.

Examples of rejection in childhood within a family include:

Preferring one child to another,
Not being fair when extending privileges,
Allowing some siblings to have certain freedoms others do not (excluding age appropriate activities),
Spending too much time on your phone or online,
One parent leaving and not following through on commitments,
Lack of quality time together,
Making fun of a child,
Interrupting or not letting your child speak,
Not showing interest in what makes your child tick,
Biting sarcasm,
Withholding compliments and praise, or
Never coming to your children’s events.

There are many more than these, but those are a few examples to give you an idea.

Perception is reality

This is a reality for both our children and ourselves.

I think the saying goes, “If we define a situation as real, it becomes real in its consequences.” If your children perceive you are rejecting them they will believe it and suffer.

This doesn’t mean we should be paranoid, but it does mean we shouldn’t ignore their cries for attention or telltale signs of perceived rejection.

If they say things like “You like sister better” or “You never want to play with me” then we need to take those things seriously.

A child’s truth…

A child will feel rejected if a parent has a favorite child, are present but absent, or work too much. For Example: Children don’t understand that daddy has to work to pay the bills. They just need daddy…

This may mean that dad will have to make special time and attention (although he is tired), to make sure his children feel loved. Being busy is no excuse to not spend time with our children.

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Rejection in childhood has lasting results

Rejection is an awful thing and then, even worse, it keeps giving. If a child perceives himself rejected by his family then he will inevitably have self-worth issues.

If a child thinks he/she has had rejection in childhood… they will act in a way that causes others to treat them similarly. They won’t stand up for themselves and others will perceive this and treat them accordingly.

We will all experience rejection in life, and hopefully we’ll go through it in a way to make us stronger in character!

However, we don’t want our children to develop an identity of rejection that will make life harder for them. We don’t want our children’s personalities to develop around their fear of rejection!

Keep short accounts to prevent rejection in childhood

Children need their accounts to be kept short. Let me explain…

Don’t let incidents, situations or emotions pile up. Don’t go to sleep pretending all will be well in the morning.

When my husband and I were first married and in the midst of conflict, my husband would suggest we just go to bed. He thought sleeping on it would make it blow over. Unfortunately for him, I’d wake up in the morning even more ticked off.

With kids, even if moods are happier in the morning, that is not an indicator that things are resolved, it’s an indicator that things have been swept under the rug.

Learn how your family handles things…

If you get angry with your kids and lose your temper… quickly sit down with them and talk it out. If you think they are feeling left out or unloved, don’t be flippant in how you deal with these issues.

Explain yourself thoroughly. You are only human and you will mess up and your children will still survive. There is a balance between being too sensitive and making sure our children know that we love them.

Watch sibling relationships

I read a tweet by Beth Moore ages ago that says “we should treat meanness as strictly as we would lying or stealing.” When it comes to kids, there is nothing more ugly than someone being mean and hateful just because.

A bully at home is arguably worse than a bully at school because if a sibling is the bully, the other siblings can’t escape him.

If we have a bully in our house then we need to protect our other children by dealing with it.

Rejection by siblings or constant feelings of inadequacy stemming from one siblings’ rejection of another will have dangerous effects that last a lifetime.

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True acceptance

Now that I’ve scared us all into having nightmares that we’ve accidentally rejected our children – which is not what we have to worry about – let’s talk about how to avoid this.

Our children want to be loved by us and we want to love them. All we really have to do… is mean it and show it.

We don’t have to be perfect. Let me put it this way…we don’t have to be happy and cheerful, always have an even temper, or sit and read for hours to our kids. We just need to be around, emotionally available and free with our feelings and praise.

To make a child feel accepted…

Purposefully talk to them
Listen to them
Hear their hearts
Take them seriously
Make time for them
Be genuine
Be available

No one is perfect and we don’t need to pretend to be perfect for our children. The essence of acceptance is that children feel they are loved based on their position as your child, not on their performance.

If we can manage that, we are doing well!

How do I emotionally support my child when they have experienced rejection?

Intentionally talk with them about it, attentively listen to them, connect with them to reassure them of your love and acceptance of them, and continue to be available to talk about it with them. Then, address the situation with the person who rejected them, like a sibling or yourself, to prevent rejection from continuing.

What are some signs that my child is experiencing rejection, and how can I recognize them?

Some common signs include: emotional distress, decreased self-esteem, withdrawal, avoidance, loss of interest, changes in eating or sleeping habits, and isolation.

How can I differentiate between normal childhood challenges and more serious issues related to rejection?

Normal childhood challenges involve occasional conflicts because no family is perfect. However, if your child consistently experiences rejection, isolation, or exclusion over an extended period, it will develop into a more serious issue.

How can I strike a balance between providing emotional support and allowing my child to develop resilience? through their experiences?

If a child is experiencing rejection in your home, providing emotional support is the only option. Because rejection in childhood has such lasting effects on a child, not giving your child emotional support will deepen the wounds they will experience. They need to know that they are deeply loved and accepted by you, in word and in action.

35 Simple Ways To Love Your Child In Everyday Life

Inside: Sometimes we can get so caught up in doing larger things we forget children just need the simple stuff. Here are 35 simple ways to really love your child.

A mother loves her child in so many ways throughout the day. There are the obvious things that may not scream “I love you” but that are fundamental to the loving role as a mother.

These are things like providing a loving environment, cuddling, feeding, clothing, and giving shelter to your kids.

It’s a mother’s privilege to love and provide for their child, but often we can be so busy doing this we forget to show love in little ways.

a mother hugging a girl showing love for her child

Or, depending on our personalities, we can often get so busy showing love in these fundamental ways that we overlook the opportunities throughout the day to show love in simple ways.

In real tangible ways our children immediately respond to.

35 simple ways to love your child in the every day

Give them hugs (and don’t let go too quickly.)
Read them chapter books they can look forward to daily.
Leave a note in their lunchbox.
Give a kiss on the top of the head when you walk past.
Notice something they’ve put effort into.
Get eye level with your children when you’re speaking to them.
Say “I love you.“

Read: What Unconditional Love Is And Isn’t

a little boy and girl kissing their moms cheek, mom showing love for her child

Start and keep family traditions like movie night.
Let small ones sit on your lap and rock.
Hold hands.
Give piggy back rides.
Spending alone time with each child, even as short as 10 minutes will mean a lot.
Display their artwork or writing for others to see.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

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redhead mother hugging her toddler son showing her love for him

Give age appropriate privileges that show you trust them.
Pray with them about their future.
Look them in the eyes often and smile.
Do simple activities with them like coloring, painting, or building Lego.
Give them your undivided attention for a time, even if there are other things to be done.
Have a fun time in the kitchen baking a cake, cupcakes, or cookies.

Read: The Key To Being A Calm Mom, No Matter How You Feel

More ways to love your child without grand gestures

Ask them something they’d like to do and then do it together.
Put away your phone, tablet, and computer.
Surprise them in little ways.
Lay with them before bedtime and listen.
Have a dress up dance party and act silly.
Play board games together. Here’s a big list of family favorite board games.
Remember special moments and then have family “inside jokes.”

Read: Enjoy Being A Mother Again With These 4 Stress Relieving Mindsets

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mother on beach holding baby showing the child her love

These things show your child love as well

Brush your little girl’s hair or twirl your boy’s hair.
Have a “yes” day where you answer “yes” to all reasonable requests.
Daydream and begin to plan a future family vacation or day trip.
Share something unique you love about each child.
Ask them something they are struggling with and brainstorm solutions together.

Read: Why Moms Lose Their Identity & How To Get It Back

Make their favorite meal.
Leave a love note on their bedside table they can see when they wake up.
Make them fun IOU’s with their favorite things to do.
Praise your husband about their behavior in their presence.

It can seem overwhelming at times, the role of motherhood, but children truly respond to simple gestures done in love.

Let’s go forth today, mama, and love our little ones simply!

How do I show love to each child when I have multiple kids?

Creating special memories together with each child based on their individual interests is a good place to start. I like to have simple rhythms in my day for me to connect with each child, even if it’s just for a few minutes. For example, staggering nap times by a few minutes so that I can snuggle with each child before they go to sleep. The more kids you have, the more creative you have to be but it’s possible!

How do I tailor my expressions of love to my child’s personality?

Kids have love languages just like adults, so it can be helpful to show love according to how each child receives love. Pay attention to what makes your kids’ eyes light up and do more of that. Is it quality time? Words of affirmation? This may be different for every child.

What to do when my child rejects the love I give?

This rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that the child doesn’t love you or that you’re doing something wrong. Children go through various developmental stages and may express their emotions differently at different times. This can be so hard, but it doesn’t mean we stop showing love. Determine how your child receives love and adjust how you’re connecting with them to meet their emotional needs.

9 Reasons Why Cuddling Your Kids Makes Life Better

You probably know why it’s good to cuddle your kids, but did you know it actually makes your life and theirs better? Find out why!

When Mother Teresa received the Nobel Prize, she was asked,

“What can we do to promote world peace?”

She answered “Go home and love your family.”

So in that vein, here are 9 reasons you should cuddle your kids

Like all the time. It’s an easy way to love your child and help release all the happy hormones in both of you.

1. Kids are precious and squishy

Kids, particularly small ones, are so sweet to hug. It’s like cuddling a teddy bear, except your kids can make cute noises. There is just no one better to hug than one of our own children.

Anyway, hug your kids while they’re squishy because you’ll never be able to say “you are so nice to hug because you’re just so squishy and soft and cuddly,” to anyone else ever.

little girl cuddling and hugging her mother

2. Hugging may make kids smarter

Research shows that children whose parents demonstrate love to them verses children whose parents don’t actually have bigger brains (source).

Good to know that if you love your child it’ll make them smarter, eh?

By providing your children with a loving and safe environment (of course, this requires more than cuddling) you are directly affecting their development.

Hugging may not raise their IQ, but it’ll help them get the most out of it. And that will be good for them, their future family, and the spheres in which they will move as adults.

Read: Why Cuddling Is Good For Our Children’s Brains

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3. Cuddling and hugging releases good chemicals (happy hormones)

Physical contact releases a certain chemical in the brain that promotes happiness and lower stress hormones (source).

Cuddling and hugging can literally put you in a better mood.

And pretty quick at that! If you’ve had a tough day, or if your kids are pushing the envelope and you to your limit, a good way to stop and reset the home atmosphere is to cuddle.

two teddy bears hugging and snuggling on the beach seashore

4. Your children’s physical affection cup will be filled

Have you ever tried to hug someone who doesn’t like physical touch? Awkward. Physical touch doesn’t have to be your love language for you to appreciate the connection and thought it implies.

When parents never touch their children they will be deprived affection. If your kids are deprived affection they will seek it elsewhere.

It’s a biological need, physical tough, and improves emotional and mental well being.

5. Physical contact and roughhousing is good exercise

I probably burn around 400 calories a day (I have a calorie calculator in my head I am quite sure is accurate) trying to pin down my 18 month old.

Because I chase him, I hold him up in the air then bring him down, I hang on to him when he giggles and tries to pull away.

He’s walloped me in the ribs, the face, and my teeth. It’s like kickboxing. But with chubby legs and squeals. And less sweating.

Read: Why roughhousing is great for kids and parents

6. Cuddling communicates love

While adults are able to determine how they feel best loved (5 Love Languages), young children are not. If you look them in the eye, give them attention, smile at them, and show them physical affection they feel good. When they see you like them and that makes them feel good, they feel loved.

When kids misbehave and you still hug them, they feel secure with you. If they break something valuable and you hug them, they know their position in the house isn’t in jeopardy.

If you flip out in anger, ask for forgiveness, and seal it with a hug, they understand about conflict resolution. It is one way – out of many – that confirms your love for them.

Read: 5 common anger triggers for moms – and how to overcome

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mother and father holding their two little babies

7. It keeps the parent / child connection strong

When we’ve had a busy day, had lots of guests, or I’ve been preoccupied with work, cooking, or life, a good way to reconnect with the kids is through a big hug.

It says, “I’ll slow down and just be with you.”

If you have company over and your kids feel slightly overwhelmed or shy, a cuddle says, “Even though I’m focusing on others right now, I haven’t forgotten about you.”

At the end of a long day, a good schnuggle (as my son calls it) before bedtime says, “After all is said and done, I am here for you.” And on the flip side, sometimes a hug is the only way little ones can express appreciation.

Read: 35 simple ways to show love to your child

8. Most kids crave hugs, cuddles, and kisses

Everyone, but particularly younger children, need to be cuddled. Kids need physical touch. They need comfort. They need a safe place close to their real life heroes when they feel scared or nervous.

I know not every parent finds physical affection easy. I know some mothers and fathers struggle to give lots of hugs and cuddles.

My advice?

Do it anyway. And do it often.

9. We need physical affection, too

Some days I don’t want to hug my kids. Some days, however, I do want to squeeze them. Very hard until it hurts. Okay I’m kidding.

It’s the hard days when everyone is cranky, people are sick, heart attitudes are not what they should be, and we feel at the end of our rope that we most need to get back to the basics.

When I’m frustrated with one of my kids and on the verge of losing it, I will often grab them and give them a big tight hug. In my heart I’m saying, “You are driving me crazy and if I don’t hug you I’m going to yell at you.”

What I do say is, “Mommy gets frustrated sometimes, but she loves you very much.”

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mother holding and cuddling her son in the kitchen

Cuddling in a nutshell…

Kids want to be cuddled.
They want hugs when they’re happy.
And need hugs when they’re sad.
Kids want proof you still love them when they’ve been difficult.

Moms need affection too.
We also want hugs when we’re happy.
We too need hugs when we’re down.
And we need to know we’re still loved. Even when we’ve screwed up.

What should I do if my child resists or rejects cuddling?

It’s important to find ways to connect and show your affection if your child isn’t a cuddler. Most kids crave hugs, cuddles, and kisses so while your child might be resistant if they aren’t used to them, showing them affection consistently over time may make them more receptive in the future.

How can cuddling help soothe my child when they are upset or anxious?

Cuddling provides a physical sense of comfort and safety. The physical closeness can help regulate your child’s heartbeat and breathing, promoting a sense of calm. Cuddling reaffirms your presence and availability as a source of comfort. Your child knows they are not alone in their distress. Cuddling can help regulate your child’s emotions by providing them with a safe space to express their feelings. The physical closeness can make it easier for them to process their emotions.

How can cuddling become a meaningful and consistent aspect of our parent-child relationship?

Start early and be present. Incorporate cuddling and hugging into daily routines, such as cuddling before bedtime, during story time, or in the morning. Consistency helps make it a natural part of your relationship.

The Dangers of Present But Absent Parenting

Present but absent parenting? What is that… you say? If you grew up feeling rejected, alone, or lonely, then you probably know what present but absent parenting is. The parent physically being there, but mentally, emotionally, etc. NOT being there. If you want to make sure you are present for your own kids, this post will help. Here are some thoughts on why sometimes just “being there” isn’t enough.

I’ve sat face to face in front of many adults who were crying their eyes out.

Adults who felt very damaged and unloved.

As I was to find out, this was fairly common. And there is a surprising reason these adults found themselves in counseling, with roots going back to their childhood.

They needed healing, tools, and positive coping mechanisms.

They were also perfectly “normal” and came from perfectly “normal” families.

little girl staring out her window and waiting for her absent parent

By that I mean, no trauma, tragedy, abuse or neglect.

And yet… in adulthood they had difficulties in relationships.

They had low self-worth, non-existent boundaries, and negative view of themselves.

For many of these people, the current issues that brought them into counseling were symptoms of a larger and deeper issue, and it was rooted in a parent being present, but absent.

What Present but Absent Means

This concept is fairly self-explanatory. It means the parent is still in the home, yet is unavailable.

You may have heard the phrase “emotionally unavailable.”

The sad truth is, if parents aren’t able to share from the heart or express love and affection to their child… they are in the act of present but absent parenting.

“The present but absent parent may meet their child’s physical needs, but not other equally important ones.”

Kids are thirsty for affirmation from their parents, whom they view as heroes. So, if a child never gets praised or doesn’t feel accepted, they’ll feel lonely… even in a house full of people.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

Examples of present but absent might be a parent who:

never says “I love you“
is around but unapproachable
is always busy watching TV, working, or using a screen
shuns physical affection
going through prolonged stress who is unable to engage

The list is not exhaustive, nor does the occasional bad mood or zoned out evening make you an absent parent.

When I refer to present but absent parenting, I am talking about consistent and persistent behavior.

When a parent is consistently absent, this communicates to a child that they are not worth their parents time.

Years of persistant and consistent conditioning of the present but absent parent will yield phycological damage on young and impressionable minds.

Most of the time parents do not consciously think this, but children have great intuition and are able to pick up their parents’ moods and feelings.

Don’t be mistaken, whether you tell your child they are a nuisance or you simply act like it, your child will be negatively affected.

Read: How to be a present parent without going insane

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What Absent Parenting Does

Children are made to feel loved, accepted and nurtured. There is trouble in the world… and one of the most important parts of parenting is providing shelter and protection.

Our job is to give protection from the Big Bad World until the child is equipped to take on life in a mature and emotionally sound way.

Part of this protection are the key elements of safety, security, and acceptance.

If a parent is present but absent in their nurturing duties, the child will feel rejected on a regular basis.

And if it’s within the home, it’s an inescapable feeling.

Read: The Effects of Rejection on Children

Children crave attention and affirmation.

Without attention, quality time, and kind words… children won’t develop a healthy sense of self-worth. This can go one of two ways.

The child internalizes a low sense of self-worth that says “I’m not good enough.” They don’t feel smart, attractive, worthwhile, or lovable.
The child swings the other way and masks insecurity by becoming overly confident, arrogant and perhaps aggressive to cover their painful feelings.

A present but absent parent rejects almost as much as an absent parent. In fact, it can feel worse for the child who is under constant rejection.

Effects of Long-Term Present but Absent Parenting

In a nutshell, if parents don’t give their children the necessary attention, love, and acceptance… they will look for it elsewhere.

As children mature, this can become a dangerous behavior.

There are many ways that the feeling of rejection from a present but absent parent can manifest itself...

Likely they look to members of the opposite sex to make them feel wanted and worthwhile.

Unfortunately, this can happen much earlier than you think!

In its extreme, this is why people join gangs or cults. Human beings are wired for connection and any sense of appreciation and belonging is better than none.

Those with low self-worth will develop habits that are self-fulfilling.

For example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices that lend her to situations of use and abuse. In turn, this confirms her suspicion she is not a person worthy of love.

It can be said that present but absent parenting can cause irreparable damage to the feelings, values, and lifestyle of children involved in homes where this is consistnat.

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Low Self-Worth also Engenders Fear

The atmosphere of a home affected by present but absent parents can cause a rise in the following fears:

the fear of failure…
a fear of standing out…
fear of being alone…

Because children of present but absent parents don’t believe in themselves, they’re scared to step out and try new things. Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-confidence and self-worth that continues until the cycle is stopped.

If parents consistently fail to meet their children’s needs, they’ll feel angry, betrayed and alone.

These emotions lead to truly dangerous behaviors like self-harming or drug abuse.

These are more common than we’d like to think…

What Parents Can Do About It

As parents, we want what is best for our children. We can do this by striving each day to give them the protection and attention that they need!

Remember these important things:

Be there with your whole body and your whole heart. Remember, your kids feel it when you’re disconnected.
Make eye contact and talk “to” your kids, not just “at” them.
Don’t forget the power of physical touch. Be sure to give hugs and allow contact as this is good for your kids!

You don’t have to be perfect. Your kid’s don’t need perfect, they just need you.

Present but absent parent is talking to girl on the counter.

You are allowed to have your days, moods or your own problems. The key is to be transparent, open, and present.

Balance is key

I am in no ways recommending that you spend every waking second giving- 100% of your attention to your children.

That would be near impossible and exhausting too!

Of course, sometimes parents need to zone out. I personally take some time every day to rest my mind and recharge my energy. When I don’t, I am grumpy and easily irritated.

It’s perfectly natural and “ok” to need need time alone to recharge and refresh. This just makes you normal!

With a healthy balance, your children will learn when its “mom’s time to be alone” and honor that.

We can’t and shouldn’t be afraid to say “no” or “not right now” to our kids.

Every time we make a mistake or tell our children “no” we are not going to scar our children for life.

We can maintain our own boundaries and still raise children who feel loved, connected, and supported by us.

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Warning signs that we’ve fallen into the trap of the present but absent parent:

Now that we agree that our kids need security and attention and have looked at balancing our time… let’s evaluate our own lives with these warning signs.

You may have fallen into present but absent parenting if you…

Have NO screen time limits. You or your kids watch screens during meals or when visiting with family/friends.
Can’t remember the last time you asked your children questions and actually listened to their responses.
Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors. You may say something like: “I can’t believe you’re acting that way” and then ignore them.
Feel like you are unworthy to be their mom and think of yourself less than able to parent them. Remember, they don’t need perfect- they just need you.
Are unable to look eye to eye or speak truthfully to your kids. Eye to eye contact and physical touch- It’s good for their brains!

It’s in the Day-to-Day

Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can give them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.

They need to know we care.

They need to know they belong.

And they need to know we’re available.

How can I find alone time to recharge so I can be present with my kids?

First, determine the kind of activities that actually recharge you. I like to think in general categories to help me diversify my self care: relationships, hobbies, physical health, mindfulness.

Have a plan for scheduling self care so it happens regularly, like during your kids’ independent play time, after work, after the kids go to bed. Find a self care routine that works for you and make it a priority!

How can I connect with my kids so they don’t feel rejected?

I love this question! Get in your kids’ world by doing what they love to do with them. Ask them questions, sing songs, dance, learn something new together, read books, get outside, and if you have multiple kids, find ways to get time with each of them individually even if only for a few minutes each week.

How can I be present for my kids while managing my other responsibilities?

Set boundaries and minimize distractions when you’re with your kids. Identify your essential responsibilities and prioritize them using daily, weekly, or monthly routines to manage your time effectively.

3 Simple Keys To Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Needs

Read on to learn the emotional needs of a child and how you can help them through their feelings.

I’ll never forget the habit I started that made the biggest difference in my kids feelings.

Actually… to tell you the truth, it was a habit that I stopped.

When my kids were crying and fussing and whining… I stopped trying to distract them.

When my kids were angry and outraged at injustice… I stopped trying to solve their problems.

And when my kids were unhappy about a rule or chore they needed to do… I stopped trying to convince them to be happy about it.

Basically, I started viewing their emotions as something they needed to work through, not something I needed to manage.

The Emotional Needs Of A Child

Let’s dig into what our children need emotionally to be able to make generous, compassionate, loving choices.

So without further ado…

Kids Need Permission To Feel What They Feel

If you try to make your child feel something they don’t feel, the end result will be that it does not work. They may even feel MORE of that negative emotion you were trying to get them to cover up.

Children simply cannot ignore what they feel in an effort to feel the way you want.

And you can’t do it either.

“The bad feelings need to be let out before the good feelings can be let in.” (slight paraphrase from Haim Ginott and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children)

Motherhood & Wellbeing

13-18, 6-12

Healthy Minds, Happy Homes

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We moved last weekend.

We’ve owned the house a few months, but were doing some renovation work and so we hadn’t moved. The days leading up to the move, my daughter had nightly crying sessions at bedtime because she didn’t want to move.

At first I was compassionate, then I was annoyed, then I got downright frustrated.

Here I was running myself ragged getting the house ready needing Ashwagandha to cope with the stress, not to mention the months (years!) we’d spent saving for the new house… and this child was going on and on about how she did not want me to be excited to move.

Well, I decided to put into practice some of my Language of Listening™ skills.

“Baby, of course you don’t want to move! You love it here, it’s your home. You don’t care about the new house because it’s not home yet.

You don’t have to pretend to be excited, it’s okay to feel how you feel. You need to get all those sad feelings out if you ever hope to enjoy the new house.”

The evening of our move arrived. In the car, on the way to the new house to spend the night I hear my darling from the backseat… “Mom, I’m actually excited to spend the night at the new house! It’s gonna be great!”

We can’t expect our children to ignore bad feelings and just feel good ones.

It doesn’t work that way for you and it doesn’t work that way for them.

But, interestingly enough, if you help them feel understood in whatever way they are feeling, they’ll soon be freed up to make choices that align with your family values.

Kids Need To Feel A Level Of Power

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that I only just figured out, but that counselors and psychologists have known for decades.

Feelings of powerless lead to all types of undesirable and dysfunctional behaviors.

If you’ve ever been in a situation where you didn’t like what was going on, but felt completely powerless to change it… then you know what I’m talking about.

It makes you feel crazy, insane!, angry, vengeful, spiteful, and desperate.

Children who, day in and day out, are not given an appropriate level of power begin to get the Squirms. They talk rudely, yell, do things to get your attention, whine and cry to make sure they’re heard, become aggressive because they no longer have good impulse control, and on and on.

If your child will completely Flip Out and Lose It at the drop of a hat… they are very likely feeling powerless.

In fact, it’s often why kids are defiant.

You don’t need to relinquish inappropriate control over to your child, but you can help your child feel their own sense of personal power in a way that doesn’t infringe upon your own boundaries and limits as a parent.

Ask your children what they think about something. Listen to their opinions without judgment.

Give two or three choices (all of which you are okay with).

Let your child feel their feelings with intensity. If it’s too much inside the house, let them go outside and scream or stomp. And, if they’ve got a lot of anger, don’t ask them to stuff it down, give them a way to get it out that you are okay with.

Allow them to solve problems on their own. Even toddlers and preschoolers can find interesting solutions to their dilemmas. Don’t always rush in and change their methods. This tells them you don’t think they’re capable.

Let them like what they like and dislike what they dislike. Allowing your child to “not like” broccoli, for example, is extremely empowering to them. You may require them take a bite, fine, but acknowledging your child’s preferences helps them feel a stronger sense of their own identity.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

Boundaries & Behavior

Loving Authority

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Kids Need To Feel You Can Handle Their Emotions

We don’t need to be cyborg mothers, always happy, smiling, and baking cookies.

Of course, we need to be real and vulnerable and direct.

And we don’t need all the answers or to be the perfect mothers… but we do need to be able to handle their emotions without making it All About Us.

If kids sense that we always make their issues about us, they learn to react and act in a way they think we want. They’ll stuff their feelings, they’ll lie so they don’t have to disappoint us, or they’ll say the things they know we want to hear.

Some practical examples of how to “stay out” of our kids’ feelings:

Letting our children feel all the ugly feelings (so they’ll then be able to feel the positive ones) without trying to distract them. “Don’t cry, here have a popsicle!“

Not taking things personally. If our child throws a fit in Wal-Mart, we can calmly handle the underlying root of the fit, not completely lose it because we’re embarrassed about what others think of us.

Not doing everything we can to make their pain go away. Sometimes your child needs to talk. And they don’t need you to correct, fix, or offer solutions. They need to say they can’t stand their sibling or they wish the baby wasn’t born or they like daddy better than you. These things are words put towards a fleeting feeling and if you Freak Out or assume they are Sociopaths or Unloving then you won’t be able to handle it calmly. And you will have made their feelings about your feelings.

Basically… emotions are neutral, let’s not make them bad.

If your child says something that freaks you out (and they will), help them feel understood.

If your child does something that seems out of character (and they will), dig deeper and find the root.

And, if your child’s emotions seem out of control and mysterious to you (and they will), be encouraged… a listening ear is often the very best thing you can give them.

Why Cuddling Is Good For Kids’ Brains

Are you a cuddler? I am! But even if you are not a naturally physically affectionate person, you can learn to show the right amount of touch. Here’s how cuddling actually helps their brains. And yours too!

I cuddle my kids so tightly I’m surprised I’ve not broken one of their ribs.

No joke…

I pin them to the floor and roll around with them. We wrestle as I tickle their bellies and legs. Physical affection comes easy for us.

I give them bear hugs and cradle them, no matter their age, and just generally mess with them until they are begging me to let them go play without mom.

I even have an “I’m going to come get you and smother you with my love” look that makes them laugh hysterically and run away.

Now that I write about it that sounds creepy…

Anyway, I think it’s okay. It’s good. It’s right. And Even If They Pull Away, it’s good for them.

Cuddling Benefits Your Childs Brain

Cuddling is an important tool in our parenting toolbox, and one that fosters connection and feelings of safety and security.

And it does have benefits beyond a warm touch or the fuzzy feeling of a kiss on the cheek.

Here’s how:

1. Physical touch releases happy hormones.

Physical touch actually triggers a hormone to be released in our brains. The hormone is oxytocin (source). This is important for mothers because it helps form an emotional bond.

The same is true for children. Cuddling is good for kids because it helps form strong emotional bonds.

This hormone helps give mothers the “my child is irresistible” feeling and it’s why taking time hug your child can change your mood.

Interestingly enough, if children were deprived of physical touch for a very prolonged feeling – even in adulthood – a cuddle or hug can release oxytocin to a negative effect, giving them suspicious feelings instead of loving ones.

This is why it’s important that we make physical touch the norm in our home.

Connection & Culture

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Rooted in Family

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2. Cuddling is good for kids because it helps teach them who to trust.

One common behavior among children who did not receive loving physical touch in the early years is “indiscriminate friendliness” (source). As you can imagine… this is a dangerous trait.

Children who have indiscriminate friendliness are super friendly and trusting to most any adult without a wise understanding that not all adults are “their adults.”

By giving your child the physical affection they crave, They Don’t Need to Seek It Out Elsewhere.

Children feel more attached and bonded to their parents since there is another level of trust and familiarity there they do not have with other adults.

3. Physical touch reduces stress and increases resilience.

Cuddling is good for kids for another reason… it reduces stress and increases resilience.

It’s every mothers dream to have strong and resilient children. It’s an important life skill that can really benefit you as an adult.

“When you get a loving and firm hug, it stimulates pressure receptors under the skin, which in turn send a message to the vagus nerve in your brain.

The vagus nerve takes this cue to slow down your heart rate and your blood pressure, putting you in a relaxed state.

The hug even curbs stress hormones such as cortisol, facilitates food absorption and the digestion process, and stimulates the release of serotonin, which counteracts pain.” ~ The Connected Child

It’s why your child runs to you for comfort when they fall down, get a boo boo, or have hurt feelings. That hug actually releases stress emotions and helps calm the nerves. Good stuff!

Read: Practical, Emotional, and Natural Tips To Help A Stressed Mom Cope

Connection & Culture

Setting Your Family Pace

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a daughter hugging her mother in a loving embrace

4. Cuddling communicates love.

A hug says, “Come to me, I care for you.”

We hug after we’ve had tense feelings and that says, “Even when we get frustrated, we still love each other.”

A Cuddle at Bedtime says, “Right now there is nothing more important than to be with you.”

A hug in a crowded room or busy place says, “Of all these people, you are mine.“

Read: 5 Reasons Bedtime Stories are More Important Than You Think

5. Hugs communicate safety.

When a child feels loved and taken care of, they feel safe. If your child is feeling nervous or scared, go in for physical touch. Your words are so important and coupled with physical touch they will calm your child’s nerves and help them feel safe.

If your child feels in danger, pull them close to you. Your presence has a calming effect on them. Safety is hugely important to children who crave security and stability from their parents.

Don’t underestimate the importance of touch.

A hug when they wake up to say “good morning.”

A cuddle when they’re in your lap reading a book.

A touch on the arm, shoulder or head as you walk past.

It’s not grand gestures, but the consistent display of affection that signals to your children… “My Mom is For Me.”

Empathy in Parenting… What It Does and Doesn’t Look Like

Empathy in a nutshell, is a valuable parenting skill that allows a mom to put themselves in the position of their child- to see it from their perspective There are, however, some things empathy is not. Let’s unpack this topic and see how it relates to parenting…

We want out children to be loved, understood, and validated in who they are…

In order to do this effectively, we must practice empathy.

“Firm and forceful in their approach to problems. They believe in ‘tough love’ and try to ‘help’ others by challenging them to prove themselves, as they themselves would.” (source)

This is the accurate and humbling description of The Type A Personality. Or should I say my Type A personality.

But… I read my email and know many of you are with me! As part of our natural temperament, the term “empathy” seems both appealing and scary.

And that’s because we tend to group the word empathy in parenting with other words such as permissive, lax, and “excuses.”

On the other hand, Type B personalities find empathy more natural. They don’t have to practice it like we do. Instead, they have to practice other characteristics such as discipline, consistency, and follow-through.

But no matter what your personality or temperament is… empathy is an important skill (yes, skill) to learn. It’s one of the most important tools a parent has, so let’s not misunderstand it.

Read These While You’re At It

“The 5 Love Languages of Children” book review

3 Simple Keys To Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Needs

10 Parenting Habits That Make You Feel Guilty – But Shouldn’t

3 Natural Ways To Connect With Your Child’s Heart

So what exactly is empathy?

Empathy (n): the capacity to understand or feel what another is experiencing within a frame of reference, the capcity to place one’s self in another’s position.

**Empathy in parenting does recognize your child’s emotions**.

Children, particularly toddlers and preschoolers, are big balls of emotions.

Everything is Very Big and The End of the World!

In our adultness, we see their feelings are exaggerated, so we may tend to downplay them. We might inadvertently Encourage Our Children to Stuff Their Emotions. This tells them we don’t care how they feel.

Empathy says, “I understand how you are feeling, this is tough for you, huh?“

Read: 5 Handy Things Mothers of Preschoolers Should Know

**Empathy does not condone bad behavior**.

We can empathize with what our children are going through in nearly every situation.

This is good. And yet, it does not let bad behavior (purposeful and harmful behavior) go unchecked.

You can empathize with your children’s frustrations and feelings while still using appropriate consequences to help reinforce your own family rules.

Empathy says, “I know you were feeling frustrated, but hitting your brother is never okay.”

Boundaries & Behavior

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Discipline with Dignity

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**Empathy does help your children feel understood**.

A major cause for children to disconnect from you is the lack of understanding and connection.

In fact, understanding and empathizing with your child is a major connection point. It’s a bridge builder. Often, children are not trying to refuse a request or direction, they just want to get their point across first.

Empathy says, “I know you don’t want to go to bed right now, you still want to play, don’t you? Mommy feels that way too sometimes, but we all have to sleep!“

**Empathy does not host a pity party**.

There can be a fine line between validating and recognizing your child’s emotions then hosting a pity party…

Some children tend to wallow in self-pity more than others. Ask me how I know. This is why it’s important to validate emotions positively and then go forward.

Too much navel gazing for children prone to wallow will not necessarily help.

Empathy says, “I see you feel very frustrated and angry right now. Let’s get that anger out and then do something fun.”

**Empathy does make certain things easier for your child**.

Transition, change, and big scary things are hard for kids.

They don’t want to leave the park, go to bed, or do chores. Adults can relate to these feelings.

When you know things will be hard for the kids, prepare them. Give them warnings. Be honest about what’s to come. Share the facts and help cushion the blow. This isn’t “giving” in, it’s helping your children deal.

Empathy says, “In 20 minutes we are going to put away the toys then do our chores. Have fun because in a few minutes we’re going to wrap it up.“

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Bye, Bye Backtalk

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**Empathy does not deprive them of hard work**.

Life is rough…

Things get hard. People get sick, jobs are lost, feelings are shattered.

Nothing you do as a parent can shield your children from life. Hard work (whether this is physical, mental, or emotional) is one way to build responsibility, character, and perseverance.

Empathy recognizes that hard work stinks and no one wants to do it, but also recognizing that “wanting to do it” has nothing to do with anything.

Empathy says, “I know you don’t want to work outside all day, it doesn’t seem fun to me either. But we all live at this house and we’re all going to help maintain it.”

**Empathy does mean being a human and a mother in front of your children**.

We are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.

We will yell, punish harshly, and say things we shouldn’t. So will our children. It is okay to let our kids in on our humanity.

We Can and Should Say Sorry. We don’t need to Pretend to Have It All Together. A much greater lesson is learned when our children see us mess up, admit we are wrong, and make things right.

Empathy says, “Mommy messes up too, and I am very sorry. I understand how you feel.”

Boundaries & Behavior

Loving Authority

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**Empathy does not abdicate authority**.

Parents know what’s best for their children. At least in theory.

Children are not “immature,” just not yet mature. They are incapable of making long-term and wise decisions.

This is why they need parents who are willing to make the hard decisions for their own good, even if it makes them momentarily unhappy.

A strong parent knows Fuzzy Feelings are not always the goal.

Empathy says, “I know you don’t understand right now, but this is for your own good.”

**Empathy does gives your child time and space**.

We mothers know that obedience is a goal in parenting.

Not to create robots, but because children who regularly obey Their Reasonable Parents are more well-adjusted and content.

However, sometimes we need to let things sit. Give children time.

If you are asking something great of your child, let them have some time. Walk away for a moment. Let them come to their own choice with dignity.

Empathy says, “I know you how you feel about this, I will give you some time.”

Empathy is a parenting tool.

Far from being permissive and lax, empathy is a great tool in the parenting toolbox.

It helps children feel understood and connected with you (even when they have to do things they don’t want) and helps them know you have their best interests at heart, even if they feel unhappy.

lastly, empathy says that even though things feel hard, I love you very much.

Related Reads:

What Unconditional Love Is and What It Isn’t

Many mothers wonder just exactly what unconditional love is for a child, well, let’s start with what it is NOT and go from there.

Somewhere over the rainbow someone started an unhelpful rumor that led to mothers everywhere believing…

That warm, fuzzy, super affectionate feelings everyday (all day towards their children) is unconditional love.

Mothers everywhere began and continue to feel guilty when they have any negative feelings towards their children.

To combat this they began spoiling them…or trying to make them happy at all costs. They let feelings of guilt (or the idea that they were somehow inadequate) govern their parenting decisions.

What is Unconditional Love?

Love is so much more than making your kids happy…

Unconditional love is so much more than giving gifts or hugs…It is an attitude, a way of life, and something that is long-term and far reaching.

I love my kids because they are my kids. Nothing they do will change that. I’d love them no matter what. This does NOT mean that I always let them do what they want. That would be to their detriment.

In fact, it I totally made them happy at all costs… it would undermine the love I was trying to show them!

Let’s dispel some common myths of unconditional love together.

1) Unconditional Love is Not Dictated by Feelings

Feelings can be unhelpful, untrue and unproductive… They, therefore, cannot be the deciding factor of our unconditional love.

An anorexic woman’s feelings may say she is fat though she weighs 85 lbs. A gambler’s feelings may say the next hand will be the big win.

Someone going through a bad breakup’s feelings may say they’ll never love again. Feelings, though very true to us, should not dictate our actions and do not always accurately tell us what is going on.

If you are exhausted you may feel resentful to your children. Quite frankly, you are not working at full capacity when you’re exhausted. It’s normal to feel resentful or unloving when you are in this state…

Do these feelings tell you that you aren’t capable of unconditional love and that you are a bad mother because of it?

No. Absolutely not...

If we let feelings govern our actions and decisions we’ll end up in a world of hurt because our feelings change like shifting shadows. Feelings do not change the truth. Love is not [only] a feeling.

Mom is showing unconditional love even when she doesn't feel like it.

2) Unconditional Love Does Not Mean Warm & Fuzzy All the Time

There will be times when your decisions, and the decisions of your children, make everyone downright ticked off.

They are ticked off they have to eat vegetables. Children put little pouty faces on and act like the world is coming to an end when they have to go to bed “before they want to.”

Mommy, that’s ok! It’s ok for kids to not be happy with you. Pouty faces are not then end of the world, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t love them.

Children, because they are learning stage by stage to exercise their independence, will constantly defy and try and mystify us.

It’s ok to be angry…

Just because we get angry doesn’t mean we don’t love them…

Being angry simply means we are humans and our emotions flare up in reaction to our environment. This happens because they can make us angry.

This is especially true if you have fairly disobedient children, you may feel these negative emotions often.

Remember, just because you don’t look at your children and feel overcome with happiness at every moment of the day does not mean you don’t love them unconditionally.

Oh wait, yes it does mean something though. It means that you are human!

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

Mom is angry, but still has unconditional love.

3) Unconditional Love is Long Term…Not Short Sighted

There are some decisions we make as parents that will make our children unhappy for a while.

Grounding for a month, say, for a severe house rule infraction will likely tick them off for a while. But, just like long-term financial planning, investments, and pursuing an education, sometimes you have to put in the hard work first, make tough decisions, and know that it is for the benefit of your child.

Making these hard decisions are acts of unconditional love when you are thinking about your family and children’s best interests!

When you make a hard decision and feel like a bad parent, the bad cop, the one who ruined your child’s life (temporarily) just remember…

Selling everyone short in the long run to instantly gratify your children is not actually an act of love. It’s an act of laziness, and sometimes, even cowardice.

Unconditional love works for the ultimate, not temporal, good!

4) Unconditional Love Protects

Parenting is much like marriage in this respect…

This day in age, people think that if you fall “out of love” with someone that is a good enough reason to move on. What if as a parent we did that? What if God did that to us?

Let’s take addiction, for example. If a husband is an addict (gambling, alcohol, pornography) then sticking by him and letting him continue self-destructing is not an act of love. That is called enabling.

Unconditional love says, you make me angry and you are ruining our family and I am going to do something about it. It puts rules in place, it helps find remedies, help, intervention, etc.

Children are the same…

Discipline and boundaries have wonderful effects on children long term. That does not mean, in their childlike minds, that they appreciate them.

Love is much more profound than simply making someone happy.

It looks out for a person’s best interests and seeks to help them flourish in the long run.

Mom and daughter have unconditional love.

Remember these Truths about Unconditional Love

Letting a child continue in a self-destructive pattern is not love at all, it is hate…

If we let our children sow seeds of destruction, rebellion, and chaos then they will later reap it. Think of the principle “you reap what you sow.” Playing the “bad cop” for a while to protect your child’s future is an act of unconditional love.

Make those hard decisions NOT with emotions, but with foresight and knowledge. Then…stick to it! That is a mother’s unconditional love.

A mother’s love is a strong thing. There will be many many many moments of affectionate, warm and happy feelings. But… there will also be feelings of anger, frustration, and loss of patience. These feelings are not indicators that you are a bad mom.

Persevere, loving mother, and you’ll see that your children reap the benefits for the rest of their lives!

Sources:

Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

These are excellent questions to ask kids to help them open up, learn more about each other, and really build the parent child relationship.

We are huge fans of talking around here.

I, in fact, hardly ever shut up.

It’s no surprise that my children – all 5 of them – also talk a lot. With 7 people in a home it can be hard to get a word in. So one thing we like to do to make sure each child gets to share… is take turns with questions.

At the dinner table, we will go around with fun questions or trivia and let each child talk.

They love it and we feel we get to know them more and more!

Parents are sitting at the table with kids asking them questions to ask kids.

Remember… these are relationship building questions when you are trying to have a conversation.

If you are trying to get information from your kids because they’re clammed up… I recommend statements, not questions.

Questions to ask children who are shy

No matter how talkative kids can be when playing and goofing off, some will be shy when asked questions directly.

Believe it or not, I was like this as a kid. I had to be “pushed” a bit to open up.

It’s important to give your shy kids opportunities to share out. Be sure to include them in your family discussion time. Here are some questions that can help:

What is your favorite outside toy or game?
Do you have a favorite inside toy/game? Why?
If you could be any animal, what would you be?
What is your favorite day of the week? Why?
Tell me about your favorite food.
If you could only see in two colors, what colors would you choose? Why
What was the most fun thing that you did today?
What do you love about your life?
Can you tell me about time that you were really happy?
If you could have any superpower what would you choose and why?
If you could visit any place in the world, where would you go? How would you get there?

Silly questions that will get everyone giggling

I absolutely love rolling with laughter at the table with the family. How cool is it going to be for my kids to look back on this time and remember how much they giggled and laughed!

Here are some questions to get everyone enjoying their family time together:

Turn the numbers of your age around. How would you talk if you were that age?
If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?
If you could eat one thing every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Would you rather swim with a shark or a crocodile?
Pretend that you have a pet parrot. What would you teach it to say?
If you could switch places with me for a day, what would you do?
What do you think animals say?
What is your favorite method of laughing?
If you were a teacher, what would you teach your students?
What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?

Dinner table questions… choose this or that

My kids love This or That questions! They often ask for these questions before any of the others. In fact, they love hearing what their siblings and we have to choose for an answer.

You’ll be surprised how good of a listener they become and how much they begin to love hearing about each other.

Would you rather be incredibly smart or hysterically funny?
Would you rather live in the city or on a farm?
If you could choose, would you rather be 5 years older or 5 years younger?
Would you rather be an astronaut or an ocean scuba diver?
Is it better to be too hot or too cold?
Would you rather have a tall neck like a giraffe or a long nose like an elephant?
If you could choose, would you rather be a captain of a ship or pilot of an airplane?
Would you rather be able to understand what animals are saying or have them understand you?
For a trip, would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?
For a treat, would you rather eat cake or ice cream?
Would you rather be able to breath underwater or fly?

Questions to ask your kids about their life away from you

Remember, this isn’t prying… but simple parenting skills. Not every kid is the same, some need to be asked to share experiences before they will open up about a time they were away from you.

One of my younger boy’s specialty is to share something about a trip he went on with a family member years ago. I’m not sure why he chooses to share these memories years later or even how he remembers them… but I’m always glad when he remembers and shares.

It’s like if I never would have asked, he would never have shared…

What types of snacks and foods did you eat?
Did you feel completely safe and comfortable?
Was anyone there that you didn’t know?
How much time did you spend indoors/outdoors?
What is your favorite thing to do with your friends?
Was there any arguing with your friend/cousin going on?
Tell me what you love most about being there?
Is there anything that you don’t like about being there?
Was there ever a time where you wanted me to come get you?
Was the adult available and around all of the time?

Q’s about kids’ dreams and the future

Don’t spend all of your time on questions to ask your kids that are just for fun. Use this time to grow with them.

Not only is this a great opportunity to share, but it’s also a great opportunity to teach listening appreciation and acceptance of different viewpoints.

We all want out kids to be supportive and appreciative when hearing others dreams. Guess what?

This doesn’t always come natural… the discussion that comes with the following questions will lead itself to opportunities to teach and model.

What is your biggest dream?
Can you tell me is something that you’re really good at?
What is the best part of your day?
Tell me something that you’re really looking forward to.
Can you think of something that you really want to learn how to do?
Is it more important to be rich or kind?
When do you feel the most proud to be you?
What do you think is the best part about getting older?
What would yo most like to be? Why?
What do you think your lie will be like ten years form now?

It’s ok if you bounce around these questions and not have lengthy discussions each night at the dinner table.

However, you’ll find that gearing your family’s conversation in directions that cause you to get to know them and teach values will be rewarding.

Easy Ways To Find Individual Time With Your Kids (& Why)

It can be hard to find individual time with your kids, but it’s possible. Here are some easy ways to find that time to help your children flourish.

Do you have a friend who really stands out and commands attention in a group?

What about a friend who fades into the background and is almost forgotten in a group?

Or are you that person?

Have you ever thought that within your family there is also a group dynamic that is very different from a one-on-one dynamic?

This is the reason that individual time is so important. Honestly, some children only come alive when you get them alone and give them time.

Spending time with your children individually is so very important, and when done regularly will reap many benefits for them, you, and your relationship together.

We all know… life happens

Spending time with each child may be difficult when you have quite a few children and you are a busy and tired mom.

The more kids you have, the more difficult this is and you don’t need to feel like all you’re doing is trying to find big portions of time to spend with each child.

Without further ado, scroll down and find easy ways to give your children individual attention without having to go on dates every other day to fit it all in.

Use this individual child time tracker to make sure you’re getting time in with each child.

What One-On-One Time With You Does For Your Kids

Truly, it doesn’t have to be as hard as you think, and here are some reasons it really helps kids.

1. Individual time will strengthen your bond

Have you ever had a great friend you never spent time alone with?

Of course not.

Why? Well, because you get to be best friends with someone by spending a lot of time together, and much of that time will be alone. It will be the same with your children.

Group dynamics are different from one-on-one dynamics, and when you are alone with one child they will have your undivided attention.

They’ll also share things with you they wouldn’t share in a group.

Read: 9 Reasons Why Cuddling Your Kids Makes Life Better

Motherhood & Wellbeing

13-18, 6-12

Healthy Minds, Happy Homes

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2. It may cut back on attention-getting behavior

Children often act out in an attempt to get attention. Even my 3-year-old will try to get a compliment if I give one to his baby brother. “Wow, what a good clapper you are, little man!”

Then he’ll start to clap or dance and say “mommy, clapping, good job?“

It is built in our children to desire admiration and love from their parents. Spending time alone with each child will help to fill up their love tanks and there will be less of a need to fight for your attention.

Read: 3 Simple Keys To Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Needs

3. It will build self-esteem and worth in shyer, less outgoing children

If you are a more shy and quiet person, particularly in a crowd, you will relate to this. If people only knew you as “one of the crowd” would they know the real you?

Absolutely not.

Quiet or shy children may just blend in and be content to go unnoticed beside their more outgoing and flamboyant siblings.

By singling out your quiet child (and each child in the family in their own turn) you’ll show them that you are willing to take the time to draw them out of their shell.

Read: 35 Simple Ways To Love Your Child In Everyday Life

Use this individual child time tracker to plan time with your kids.

4. It communicates directly to your child that you value their needs and desires

If you spend a Saturday with one child every month (or at whatever frequency works for your family) this is a great time to go and do whatever is on their heart.

Does your son love all things space? Why not take him to a museum, exhibit or park specifically oriented to his current phase? This will particularly be special for him because you two being alone means no one else (another sibling trying to complain about something) is there to say his idea is stupid, no fun, or uncool.

Each child is different and this can be a time to embrace their individual differences and really help them to feel at home with you when they are in their element.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

5. It may be the only way to really get to know your child

At the dinner table you may have one or two who steer the conversation. They always have a funny story, joke or topic of conversation ready.

That is not bad in itself, of course, but it may often leave some younger or quieter siblings in silence or unable to compete with the interesting talk. One child may never volunteer their story, sad moment, triumph or rejection with the whole family.

They may not think it something that everyone should hear. If you’ve consistently carved out time with them and communicated that you are always there for them (and are willing to take some time away from everyone else) then they’ll be more apt to come to you with what is important to their heart.

If they are hurt or really agonizing over something (as all kids do from time to time) you want there to be a clear open place for talk. And, you want them to know that their siblings don’t need to know about it.

Connection & Culture

13-18, 6-12

Rooted in Family

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Easy ways to spend one-on-one time with kids

Have one child per night help you cook dinner.
When possible, run errands with one child at a time.
Take walks around your neighborhood (it’s free and exercise, win win).
Join them alone for one of their interests (sports, dance, library, etc.).
Do your individual chores together.
Read books together.
Do home projects together. They must be done, so why not together?
Play their favorite game.

Remember, trying to treat everyone equally will never work. In fact, it will communicate a wrong message.

Why? Because everyone is not equal.

Some are taller, some are shorter, some are funnier, some are smarter, some are more ambitious, and some are more artistic.

You love them individually and for who they are as a person. Spending time alone with them on a consistent basis will help solidify their place in the family (in their minds) and will bring you both memories that will last a lifetime.

Want to be sure you get quality time in?

That said, if you want to make sure each of your children get special time with you, but struggle to make it happen in the day to day it probably comes down to one thing: planning.

Time flying past us really is a mother’s arch nemesis. This pack will help you take control of your time and priorities and make what’s most important happen. Click here to get instant access.

individual time with child tracking sheets

The Key To Being A Calm Mom, No Matter How You Feel

Motherhood has a way of bringing out the spectrum of emotions. Here are some tips to be a calm mom when you feel anything but. Also, here’s some encouragement for the emotionally exhausted mom.

Imagine you love hiking.

You make a habit of finding new trails and woods because you enjoy the thrill of exertion and exploring new terrain.

Early Saturday morning you pack a bag with water, an anorak, lunch, and a camera. You put on thick socks with your best hiking books and drive out to your destination.

As you park the car and begin to set off, you wonder whether you need your compass or a map. Quickly you decide they aren’t necessary.

You’ve got good instincts, after all.

An hour into the hike you come to a fork, then another, then quite a few more. By lunchtime you are feeling that good tired. The satisfied physical kind. You sit down for a nice lunch, take a quick power nap, and decide to head back.

Soon you realize the way back isn’t all that clear.

Your instincts say…

Your instinct tells you right, then left, then right again. But quickly you wander into unfamiliar territory and now you wonder… did I err at the first fork or the second?

Should I retrace my steps all the way back to where I ate lunch, or try the other direction at the last fork?

Too often we do this in life.

We rely on our feelings and instincts to guide us instead of just advise us.

If feelings are your compass, you will wander in circles.

if feelings are your compass....you will wader in circles- a mother far from home

The same is true in parenting.

Because love for our children wells up instinctively, we feel the rest of parent is likely to do the same. The feelings of nurture, protection, and love overflow easily, and often it feels they’re all we need.

While a foundation of love is the best thing you can do for your child, you cannot rely on your feelings alone to guide you in parenting decisions.

Why?

Because feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters.

If our choices depend upon our moods, and our moods depend upon our children’s actions there will be no lasting peace, there will only be confusion.

We can’t go into the parenting woods relying on our best guess.

We need to let our values and principles guide us, particularly in those moments when we’re tempted to lose it. It’s the only way to remain a calm mom under pressure.

Read: The Ultimate Guide To Having A Mother’s Helper You’ll Love

Can we master our reactions and not take it personally?

A major anger trigger for moms is taking our children’s actions personally. Of course parenting is personal, but our children’s behavior will be very difficult to manage if we feel personally offended at their misbehavior or misconduct.

No one is saying to stuff your emotions or pretend nothing happened, but that we can’t make our discipline, punishment, or long term parenting decisions while riding a wave of strong emotion.

Know this. Young child will test boundaries. They will do things that aren’t good things to do. They will yell, scream, wake you up in the middle of the night, refuse to sleep, and refuse to eat.

Sometimes all at once. This is normal. This is what happens. We cannot take it personally.

Read: Why You Can’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Weary To Well

This 10-day reset will help you uncover what’s wearing you down (spoiler: it’s not just lack of sleep), set boundaries without guilt, and finally create space to breathe again. Because burnout isn’t your personality—it’s a signal things need to change.

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Zoom Out

One of the quickest ways to dispel your anger, frustration, or near to the surface outburst is to “zoom out.” Yes, it’s extremely exhausting, frustrating, and trying to take care of multiple small children day in and day out.

Their physical needs are all consuming. You must be hyper-vigilant and cannot let them out of your sight. They will break things, hurt each other, and defy you and it’s hard. But they are learning and growing and it will soon pass.

Elsewhere in the world families are being displaced, murdered, and go to bed hungry. Mothers worldwide are dying of diseases with no cure, or none available to them anyway.

Miscarriages, abortions, and child abuse abounds. These tragedies do not minimize your difficult emotions, no they do not. But they can help you put things in perspective in the moment.

Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane

Have a plan in place so you don’t lose your cool

It’s a good idea to have certain basic consequences in place for various behaviors. If you know what you’ll do when your kids don’t do their homework, defy your instructions, or lie, kick and scream then you won’t have to rely on your emotions or feelings to determine a course of action.

Instead of feeling angry or frustrated then finding a course of action from thin air, autopilot to your chosen consequence or loss of privilege without riding the wave of rage.

This also works when you are feeling overwhelmed and angry, even when the kids aren’t doing anything wrong. If you have certain stress triggers, choose intentional habits you can default to.

This way you won’t give in to emotions that make you feel more and more out of control.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Self-Care That Sticks

In this workshop, you’ll ditch the “I don’t have time” excuse and build a flexible, doable self-care plan that fits into your real life. Because taking care of yourself shouldn’t feel like another thing on your to-do list.

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Avoid punishment in anger

“I am so mad, I’m not going to pray for you for two years!” This is what I told my mom as a child after she did something I didn’t like. It didn’t stick, of course, but that was the best I had.

Even from a young age my Confident + Take Charge temperament tended to lash out. My temperament has to be controlled for the stability of those around me.

I have a rule now. If I am flaming mad and my eyes are watering and woe betide the next person who crosses my path… I walk out of the room before saying or doing anything.

After I’ve calmed down I will think of a proper consequence if one is in order. Walking away immediately helps calm me. It usually calms the kids as well because it gives them time to think about what’s happened.

Read: 32+ Consequences For Kids

Effective calm down methods

What works for one person might not work for another, but here are some tricks to keep in your arsenal to help you calm down. Remember a few and make a habit of using them when you are about to Flip Your Lid so you can develop a practice of calming.

Tell your kids you “need a minute” and go to another room
Stop what you’re doing, turn around, and take a deep breath
Pray
Lay down and relax your muscles
Put your child (or children) in their rooms or beds so you can take some time
Go for a walk/run, even if you have to put the kids in a stroller
Scream into a pillow
Jump up and down or run in place
Clean maniacally
Call a friend
Go for a drive
Stay well rested (take a power nap or get more sleep in general)

Read: 5 Instant Ways To Get Hyper Kids To Settle Down

Don’t be afraid to give yourself space

If you’re a stay at home mom like me, you can be tempted to feel every minute of the day should focus on your kids. If you are On The Verge and have lost all your calm you need some time to yourself.

Put your kids in independent play, put them all to nap at the same time, or just send them out in the backyard to play.

If you know you’re in a weary place, orient your day around giving yourself more alone time. You can find alone time even with small kids underfoot.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

Boundaries aren’t harsh or selfish. They protect your energy, peace, and sanity so you can show up as the mom you want to be. This workshop helps you figure out where you need them, set them with confidence, and stick to them without guilt or burnout. Because when you hold your limits, everyone benefits.

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one cool judgement is worth a thousand hast counsels. the thing to do is to supply light and not heat.

Whatever you do

Whatever you do remember, feelings will reveal what’s going on under the surface, but they cannot be trusted when they are on high alert and decisions must be made.

Yelling, screaming, hitting, and the silent treatment are all poor responses to overwhelming emotions. And I’m talking about mothers here.

You have the ability to remain calm even if you are a passionate and emotive person. High emotions are signals of pent up frustrations and stress so working to manage the triggers and your reactions will help you become the calm parent you want to be.

Trust me I know.

Read: How To Stop Taking Your Child’s Choices Personally

5 Simple Ways to Win Back Your Child’s Heart

During stressful, busy, or overwhelming seasons we can tend to disconnect from our kids unintentionally. Survival mode is a real thing! Here are 5 simple ways to get your kid’s heart back when you feel the distance.

We were sitting on the couch the other day. Myself, my 5-year-old daughter, and my 1-year-old son.

He did something a bit silly and I kissed his head. Then, all of a sudden, my daughter started crying. Sort of a whimper. Surprised, I looked at her sweet face and said, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“When you kissed him I felt sad. I don’t feel good about you right now, mom.”

Talk about a blow to a mama’s heart. She didn’t need to elaborate. I already knew. We had a one week old baby in the house and, before that, weeks and weeks of Miserable Pregnant Mama (because This Is What Pregnancy Feels Like).

Daddy had been on duty more than normal. So had Nana, our mother’s helper, and aunts and uncles. Mama wasn’t MIA, but it wasn’t far off.

She felt disconnected.

She felt left out.

She wanted to be mama’s girl again.

And the truth was… I was ready for that too. Not only with my daughter, but with all my kids. Even one week postpartum I felt closer to my normal self and was ready to get back to normal.

I was ready to win back my children’s hearts.

Simple Ways to Win Back Your Child’s Heart

Moms cannot do it all.

There will be times and seasons where we aren’t able to be as connected or focused on our children as we’d like. When being a “present parent” is a lot harder than normal. Even though we prioritize our kids above nearly all else. That’s okay. That’s life.

However, when we’ve made the shift and desire to reconnect with our kids – and assure them we are fully present – it’s not as hard as you think. Children are born desiring connection with their parents, so the good news is… even if you feel disconnected, you can get back on track.

Do Something Spontaneous

This is my go to when I want to be Fun Mom again. It doesn’t have to be grand, just unexpected. Friday night I was really feeling the distance between myself and the kids. During bedtime it occurred to me… we should have Saturday morning breakfast with ice cream!

So we woke up, got dressed, and went to town (yes, we have to go to town because we don’t live in town) for ice cream.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Parenting in Hard Times

Parenting through a crisis feels heavy—but you don’t have to do it alone. This workshop gives you a clear plan to bring stability, emotional safety, and strength to your family when life gets shaky. Because in hard times, your kids need a steady, loving guide.

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Doing something unexpected or silly might be as simple as:

a dance party
taking a walk in a new place
getting dessert as a family
doing a craft or activity together
going for a Sunday drive and getting out to explore along the way

Stop, Watch, and Really Listen

My daughter starts Kindergarten in two and a half weeks. I die. We were sitting on the couch talking and lounging, and I started staring at her face. Really staring. Watching how she talked, her expressions, and what she was saying.

It occurred to me it’d been some since I’d truly paid close attention to her. After just a few moments my heart swelled with joy and we had a great talk.

For the rest of the day, I purposely did that with each child. We know spending one on one time with kids is important, but even just turning a one minute diaper change into a 3 minute bonding session can start to reforge (or strengthen) your connection.

Listening to what our kids say, praising them (especially if we’ve stopped that for whatever reason), and responding in the moment makes a huge difference in connection.

Spend 1-on-1 Time For Current Interests

My daughter is starting Kindergarten soon. Because this means she’ll be gone during the day, we are spending a lot of time focusing on that. This means we’ve shopped together. Picked out her clothes, uniforms, and shoes together.

We’ve been practicing using ABCmouse (click here to get your first month free) so she learns mouse skills and can take basic assessments on the computer. We’ve been scrolling Pinterest looking for cute girl hairstyles. We are bonding over her upcoming life change.

Connection & Culture

13-18, 6-12

Rooted in Family

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4-year-old – He loves dinosaurs and airplanes. I’ve been reading a lot of dinosaur books with him specifically because his eyes light up. Today we have a date to watch some dinosaur videos online. A big deal for us because my kids never get online.

3-year-old – He loves dirt and trucks. I can try to do any number of things with him, but he runs away quickly laughing like a maniac. However, if I join him in his truck games or sit near him while he plays in the dirt we can spend a lot more time together since I’m joining him where he is. This son truly knows the difference between playing and being entertained.

1-year-old – My third son is just getting into books. He will sit back on the couch and snuggle up. His attention span is short, but board books and pop-up books will keep his attention for quite a while as long as there are minimal distractions. We’re working to increase his reading stamina as we speak.

Connecting is easier when we join our kids in their own interests instead of trying to bring them into our own.

Make the Bedtime Routine Longer

Hands down, this is the easiest way to carve our more time during the day with the kids. When you’re busy doing your wind down routine at bedtime, add another 5 or 10 minutes. This may be reading just one more chapter. Talking about one more thing.

Snugging just a while longer.

At bedtime they’re a captive audience and, clearly, they don’t want you to leave anyway! Take advantage of their delaying and stalling tactics and focus on being a present parent in the time you do have.

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 6-12

Goodnight Bedtime Battles

This workshop will give you a simple, sanity-saving bedtime system that actually works—one that helps your kids wind down, fall asleep without endless stalling, and stay asleep (so you can finally get some rest).

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Press Pause on As Much As Possible

Some seasons of life are busier than others. Occasionally, our life is so full we’re pulled away from the things we prioritize most. This may happen during an illness, pregnancy, or when one parent has big work-related projects.

During these times I’ve found it’s important to pull away from as much else as possible.

This may mean pulling back from weekly groups, removing yourself from committees, and scaling back socially so you won’t be pulled in tons of directions. Kids need stability and regularity at home.

Studies show kids who are always being schlepped in the car to and fro with little downtime have increased risk of becoming depressed and anxious. Even little kids!

If life has been hectic and you need to reconnect…

Focus on the small things.

Pull back from the things that are keeping you from your kids.

Pay close attention and meet them where they’re at.

Nurture

What is Rejection?

Examples of rejection in childhood within a family include:

Perception is reality

A child’s truth…

Rejection in childhood has lasting results

50+ Connection Questions

Keep short accounts to prevent rejection in childhood

Learn how your family handles things…

50+ Connection Questions

Watch sibling relationships

True acceptance

To make a child feel accepted…

50+ Connection Questions

35 simple ways to love your child in the every day

More ways to love your child without grand gestures

These things show your child love as well

50+ Connection Questions

50+ Connection Questions

So in that vein, here are 9 reasons you should cuddle your kids

1. Kids are precious and squishy

2. Hugging may make kids smarter

3. Cuddling and hugging releases good chemicals (happy hormones)

50+ Connection Questions

4. Your children’s physical affection cup will be filled

50+ Connection Questions

5. Physical contact and roughhousing is good exercise

6. Cuddling communicates love

7. It keeps the parent / child connection strong

8. Most kids crave hugs, cuddles, and kisses

50+ Connection Questions

9. We need physical affection, too

Cuddling in a nutshell…

What Present but Absent Means

50+ Connection Questions

Examples of present but absent might be a parent who:

What Absent Parenting Does

Children crave attention and affirmation.

50+ Connection Questions

Effects of Long-Term Present but Absent Parenting

Those with low self-worth will develop habits that are self-fulfilling.

Low Self-Worth also Engenders Fear

50+ Connection Questions

What Parents Can Do About It

Balance is key

Warning signs that we’ve fallen into the trap of the present but absent parent:

50+ Connection Questions

It’s in the Day-to-Day

The Emotional Needs Of A Child

Kids Need Permission To Feel What They Feel

We can’t expect our children to ignore bad feelings and just feel good ones.

Kids Need To Feel A Level Of Power

In fact, it’s often why kids are defiant.

Kids Need To Feel You Can Handle Their Emotions

Some practical examples of how to “stay out” of our kids’ feelings:

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Basically… emotions are neutral, let’s not make them bad.

Cuddling Benefits Your Childs Brain

1. Physical touch releases happy hormones.

2. Cuddling is good for kids because it helps teach them who to trust.

3. Physical touch reduces stress and increases resilience.

4. Cuddling communicates love.

50+ Connection Questions

5. Hugs communicate safety.

So what exactly is empathy?

Empathy in parenting does recognize your child’s emotions.

Empathy does not condone bad behavior.

Empathy does help your children feel understood.

Empathy does not host a pity party.

Empathy does make certain things easier for your child.

Empathy does not deprive them of hard work.

Empathy does mean being a human and a mother in front of your children.

Empathy does not abdicate authority.

Empathy does gives your child time and space.

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Empathy is a parenting tool.

What is Unconditional Love?

Self-Care Routine Tracker

1) Unconditional Love is Not Dictated by Feelings

2) Unconditional Love Does Not Mean Warm & Fuzzy All the Time

**Empathy in parenting does recognize your child’s emotions**.

**Empathy does not condone bad behavior**.

**Empathy does help your children feel understood**.

**Empathy does not host a pity party**.

**Empathy does make certain things easier for your child**.

**Empathy does not deprive them of hard work**.

**Empathy does mean being a human and a mother in front of your children**.

**Empathy does not abdicate authority**.

**Empathy does gives your child time and space**.