Personality

Tips for Type-A Wives Married to Type-B Men

Are you a Type A woman married to a Type B man? Here is some encouragement for your particular struggles. You are not alone!

Of all my Type A friends, I can’t think of one who married a Type A male. I think the reason is fairly simple. Type A women are attracted to the stable calm steadiness of a Type B male.

Here’s how it goes…

You get married.

And then you wonder why he couldn’t just be a little more Type A… or a lot more type A.

Then you try to make him Type A by nagging, threatening, withholding and being generally disagreeable. You try using phrase like “happy wife happy life” and “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.“

Finally, you realize that doesn’t work. You discover that it isn’t right and you must find a way forward embracing the less Type A aspects of your husband. All the while acknowledging that you probably have enough Type A for the both of you.

Here are my top tips for you other Type A wives out there. At least, I hope I’m not alone.

1. Admit the Truth

Admitting the truth about your personalty type differences is the first step in moving forward…

It’s hard for the husband and it’s hard for the wife. Impossible? Absolutely not. Full of lively debates and potentially high decibel conversations? I’d imagine so.

A woman cannot help but feel that a man should be in charge, wearing his knight in shining armor uniform, roaming the countryside looking for enemies to maim. We Type A women see ourselves as capable and strong female leaders going from hill to hill caring for those in need.

We don’t want to think we have a husband who is content to stay at home doing “nothing.” Of course, our husbands aren’t doing nothing.

However, compared to the hustle and bustle we constantly display… it can seem that way.

It’s hard, but maybe, just maybe, it’s God’s way of letting iron sharpen iron.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

Boundaries aren’t harsh or selfish. They protect your energy, peace, and sanity so you can show up as the mom you want to be. This workshop helps you figure out where you need them, set them with confidence, and stick to them without guilt or burnout. Because when you hold your limits, everyone benefits.

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2. Get to Know Their Personality Type

Getting to know your husbands personality type means that you can embrace their strengths!

Three out of my top 5 strengths are future focused, according to a recent test I took.

That was something I already know. I’m able to plan now in order to best benefit the future. However, I have been known to nag on my husband when it comes to planning the future.

I used to think that he didn’t care about our future or if we were well set up or happy.

Then… he did a personality test and I read his profile.

I quickly saw that his strengths are focused on living in the present and being fully there with what’s right in front of him. That shifted something inside me.

I am heavily focused on the future and he’s heavily focused on the present. Well, that sounds strangely as though we balance each other out.

Instead of constantly viewing this aspect of his personality as a failing, I was able to embrace the positives. I also realized that it’s okay if I’m the planner.

He always wants for us to follow plans we arrange together, but I can be the initiator in many respects and that is not out of order. It’s us both operating in our own strengths.

3. Leading Doesn’t Mean They Will Be Strong in Everything

Being a leader doesn’t mean that he will be the best at everything. It’s ok to have a balance and accept what works for your relationship.

There has been one perfect man and that was Jesus. Still, had us Type A women that knew Jesus we would most likely have looked for faults. It’s a struggle of our nature.

Not that our way is to spitefully criticize, but it’s to evaluate situations looking for problems and quickly throw out solutions.

In pre-marital counseling our pastor gave us some good advice. He said that if the wife was strong in a certain area, like administrating the finances, then she should do it. Though it may seem like the man’s job, if the man was not strong in this area it would ultimately be putting the family at a disadvantage to remain so just for gender sake.

We will be strong in certain areas where our husbands are weak, and they will be strong in certain areas where we are weak. It’s heathy to accept this balance and do what works for you.

4. Establish Weekly Family Meetings

One way we’ve severely cut down on nagging – and by we I mean I – is to have a weekly meeting. We don’t always remember, but it has been immensely helpful. You’ve all seen the quote floating around…

“Ladies if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him about it every six months.”

Well us Type A wives are list makers and doers. And when our husbands aren’t naturally oriented the same way then we begin nagging to get things checked off our list. This is because our list occupies our mental space.

We have a meeting on Sunday evenings where we discuss our schedules, obligations, thoughts about the week ahead, and we add things to our to do lists. There is built in accountability since the next week we’ll evaluate if we completed our list.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Parenting on the Same Page

You and your co-parent (spouse, ex, step, etc.) won’t always see eye to eye—but that doesn’t mean parenting has to feel like a constant battle. This workshop will help you communicate clearly, find common ground, and handle disagreements without drama, so you can focus on raising great kids instead of fighting over the details. Because parenting differences are normal, but constant conflict doesn’t have to be.

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What does a weekly list do?

A husband can procrastinate as long as he wishes, but will be busy on the last day of the week.
That’s okay, it’s his right. I don’t nag because I know that our accountability will speak for itself.
With a weekly list, a task is no longer an open ended “please fix the fence” but, becomes something with a deadline.

5. Remember that Life is a Video- Not a Picture

Understanding the psyche of a Type A personality may help…

It is my personal opinion that Type A women see life as a picture.

For example:

It’s as though, at 10:38 am, someone takes a shot of the house. In this shot we see toys on the floor, dishes in the sink, towels to be folded, and children with dirty faces.

These are all problems to us. Problems that need remedies. Once we’ve identified these problems they take residence in our minds until we solve them.

So how is that different from Type B personalty?

Type B men see life as a video. 10:38 am might see some mess, but in a few minutes the toys will be in the baskets, the children will take a bath this evening, the dishes will get done after dinner, and the towels will be folded and put away.

For them, these things aren’t problems to be solved, they are simply parts of daily life. They encourage us to sit down and relax, we tell them that we can’t because we’ve got our eyes on a problem. Who can rest when there is a problem?

To maintain sanity and actually enjoy being mothers, we’ve got to start seeing life more like a video. We’ve got to get some big picture thinking. A screenshot of our day will never look perfect nor is there an accurate definition of perfect anyway.

Instead of trying to make our husband over-achieving, ambitious, driven Type A men, we need to focus on the good. We probably weren’t attracted to men just like us.

If you think I’m wrong… look around. Do you have any Type A friends? Odds are, most of their husbands are Type B.

Paula Abdul was right, people, opposites attract.

My husband helps me clean up, not because he cares so much, but because he knows I do.

He’s learned to do things that he can see are causing me stress. Not because they bother him, but because he’d like to spend time with me when I’m not preoccupied.

When I stop mothering, nagging, or trying to fight his battles for him (that he never asked me to fight) I find I can appreciate his particular talents and strengths.

In fact, it’s a great strength to be able to sit in a messy house with bright-eyed beautiful children and not even care if it gets cleaned. It’s a gift to be able to play with children with endless patience without trying to check things off a to do list.

It’s a gift he has that I don’t. I might “get more done” but he certainly finds more peace in the present. I think we can learn from that.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Self-Care That Sticks

In this workshop, you’ll ditch the “I don’t have time” excuse and build a flexible, doable self-care plan that fits into your real life. Because taking care of yourself shouldn’t feel like another thing on your to-do list.

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If the above post resonated with you then I’d recommend the book Strong Women and the Men Who Love Them. I haven’t yet read it, but it comes highly recommended and seems exactly up our alley.

strong women and the me who love them by tom and jan lane

How can we compromise on our differing priorities and preferences?

I think it’s important to agree on some priorities together and working towards those things as a team. This is why I love having weekly meetings – we agree on the priorities for the week (in tasks and scheduling) and we are free to complete those tasks how we want to individually. Although we have different personalities, we can be aligned on our priorities and acknowledge each other’s strengths.

How can I help my husband with time management without causing conflict?

Nagging and threatening don’t work. Try seeing time management from their perspective – are they busy living in the moment that deadlines don’t register with him? Appreciate his perspective and work together to determine when things are done. Another plug for weekly meetings that keep both parties accountable and on the same page.

How can we communicate effectively despite our personality differences?

Understanding both of your personalities – and the strengths and weaknesses of each – is key to learning your natural communication style according to your personality and how to communicate with your spouse so that they feel loved, heard, and supported. Be thankful for your spouse and how they complement you, letting that drive your communication.

Why Type A Women are Cold-Hearted

If you’re new here, you’ll want to read all my Type A wife and mom posts. We really gotta stick together.

“I’m going to go play ultimate frisbee with the guys today at 3,” said my husband.

“Sounds good,” I said, thinking it’d be good for him to get some outdoor exercise.

After church we ate lunch, put all the kids to bed, and I laid down.

Soon enough, he went to play frisbee.

After an hour or two of napping, I started to feel ill. Not horrible, just unwell. I was looking forward to my husband’s return so I could rest a bit longer before dinner without all 4 kids leeching on my leg.

And then he came home.

And I told him I wasn’t well.

And then he told me…

“I’ve got a migraine coming on.”

Many wives would have felt great pity at this remark. Laid their husband down with a warm towel, some drugs, and ushered the kids to the other side of the house.

But not me.

I got mad.

I got mad because I’m a Type A woman and we hate to be inconvenienced

Typical, I whispered to myself. I knew he’d be pitiful for a few hours so I rallied my too-swollen-to-be-only-27-weeks pregnant body and took a walk around our pond for fresh air. The kids played outside then we ate dinner together. I did not feel good, but it wasn’t all that bad.

I let the kids run around squealing in the house near my husband without giving it much thought, and sat in rocking chairs with my mother and grandmother.

My mother said, “What’s wrong with Matt?“

“He’s sick.”

“What happened?” she asked.

“I told him I didn’t feel good, so he got a migraine.”

My grandmother had a good laugh at this cause she was married to my grandfather for 50 years and, well, she knows what I’m talking about. I told them men don’t even let you get well before they announce they are afflicted with much worse.

I can be critical because I’m a Type A woman and we don’t like weakness

My mother, who’s a saint, helped with bedtime. We got all 4 kids got to bed without anything shattering or being throw into the toilet, and all the kids even got bedtime snuggles, kisses, and the songs I made up for them.

As I settled down to start reading a novel, my husband comes out of the room. His eyes are a tad red, but it’s clear he’s rallying.

“How convenient,” I thought, “the migraine is miraculously is cured when the bedtime routine is over.”

I didn’t say anything because, though I am opinionated, I’m not stupid. I went on about my business. But I was annoyed.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

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I am easily annoyed because I’m a Type A woman and we need things to go to plan

The next morning something fun happened. A video crew came over on behalf of Miracle-Gro to shoot a promotional video of the kids and I in the garden. I was prepared for mayhem and mania and was pleasantly surprised the kids were on their best behavior and actually enjoyed the whole thing.

Then it ran a bit long. The kids had fun, but were worn out. We were outside in the heat, then late for a rest which meant the kids were overtired and… well… they didn’t nap. And I couldn’t sleep. And then…

Lo and behold…

I got a migraine.

My first one ever. Nevermind that I had stuff to do and can’t take proper headache medicine since I’m With Child. I nearly had a panic attack in reaction to getting a migraine. Why?

I’m a Type A woman and we hate things derailing our productivity

A few minutes later my husband comes home. I tell him I have a migraine.

“He better not instantaneously develop scarlet fever,” I thought to myself. This throb was Serious Business.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he brought me the baby for a calm cuddle.

And he kept the big kids away from my room.

Then he cooked dinner so I didn’t have to get on my feet.

And he told me to go to bed in the dark room so I’d feel better.

He didn’t judge me because he’s Type B and he’s quick to give the benefit of the doubt

He put all the kids to bed with the help of my mom, who’s a saint, and let me lie in dark peaceful silence. He didn’t huff, puff, or give a guilt trip. He got annoyed with the kids because they’d been abducted by aliens and returned completely unruly, exhausted, and Past the Point. But even then, he didn’t come get me.

All the kids got to bed and the house grew quiet and there were no expectations on me and then, something miraculous happened.

My migraine went away.

It slows to a dull ache and I emerge from the dark bedroom ready for the dinner I’d missed. And what do I get from my husband?

He’s just happy I feel better.

But I don’t. I feel bad. I feel bad because I’m a cold-hearted Type A woman who needs the world to work her way or she loses the plot. Sure, I love deeply and affectionately and cry at the drop of a hat and would do anything for my family… but when it counts, I have a long way to go.

No, I still can’t abide Man Flu.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll start to give others the benefit of the doubt more. Maybe I won’t assume people purposefully do things to give me an eye twitch. I’ll try to do better.

And I probably will… because Type A women do what they set their mind to.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Parenting on the Same Page

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I hope you know I don’t think all Type A women are really heartless. But if you can’t admit you’ve got a stubborn fiery streak, you’re probably a blessed Type B :). But did you know there are four main temperaments?

Loosely speaking, two different Type A’s and two different Type B’s? Each has their own strengths and struggles, and each are a blessing to their families.

I’ve created a short e-course for moms to help you learn your own personality, see why it’s a good thing, how it blesses your family, and give you some tools to help you overcome your struggles. Click here or on the image below and sign up for free :).

How the Type A Woman Can Better Manage Her Frustrations

As part of my Type A Mom Series, today we’re talking about how to better manage our emotions. These are emotions related to type A frustrations. My post Type A Wives Married to Type B Men is still hugely popular. The struggle is real, ladies.

It ain’t easy being a woman.

Or a mom.

Okay fine, life is hard for everyone.

But if you’re Type A, life is That Much harder. It just is…

It is harder because, for Type A people, every problem should be fixed, every process should be efficient, and every person should be competent.

Ha ha ha ha ha

That’s right. That’s why life is hard. Because we think life should be easy and it isn’t and that gives us a migraine and an eye twitch. What can I say? We were born like this.

Where does the term Type A come from?

Originally coined by a cardiologist, the Type A label was given to people who were more likely to suffer a cardiac event. Namely, those who were more driven, prone to stress, highly competitive, and impatient (source).

Later in the 70’s a bestselling book was released called Type A Behavior and Your Heart, and it became a commonly used term.

This was a tad bit shocking to me – although not really – because it was the first time I’d heard personality type (not just our choices) linked to health.

Certain personalities are more likely to have the problems associated with stress because certain personalities are more prone to stress.

Confident + Take Charge and Strong + Deliberate moms, I’m looking at you.

How we can manage our neuroses Type A frustrations?

There are several things a Type A mother can do to manage her type A frustrations. It’s possible ladies… although it does take some foresight and practice.

#1. Learn to think first, talk later

This is nearly impossible for me. I think as I talk.

Ideas come as my mouth opens and I do my best thinking on my feet. However, in times of conflict or tension, the worst thing I can do is “let ‘er rip”.

What comes out is rarely gracious or kind, much less helpful to resolving a problem. We will experience a lot of regret and hurt others if we don’t learn to curb our tongues.

After 6 years of marriage, I’ve only now developed the self-control to go away, think, then speak my mind.

It caused me a lot of troubles early on (I’m married to a Type B man), but conversations are always more fruitful if you’ve thought a bit first. Your opinion might not change, but your delivery will.

#2. Let the intensity pass before acting

Only another Type A person can understand the intensity of emotion that comes upon us when things don’t go our way.

Traffic jams, betrayals. Responsibilities, or things that waste our time.

I could go on, but I’m really making us look bad here. Instead of flying high on your rage (letting Type A frustrations rule you) and whipping yourself into action, calm down first.

Pray, take a breather, and get some perspective.

The intense feelings – when they’re upon us – feel like they will never fizzle out. They seem like an outboard motor pushing the boat faster and faster.

And yet, they do fizzle. And if you haven’t waited before you’ve sprung into action you might find people wounded in your wake.

Read: 5 Reasons You’re An Angry Mom – And How To Manage

Type A mom dealing with type a frustrations.

#3. Realize you’re “unbalanced” just as others are “unbalanced”

Type A people notoriously believe they are always right.

Even if they know it’s impossible to be right all the time, it’s hard for them to actually pinpoint a time when they were wrong. In their mind, it happens so infrequently.

It was good for me to realize that I am not balanced. I’m too prone to stress, overwhelm, and anxiety.

My standards and expectations are too high and that can prevent me from being a reasonable person.

Those around us who are Type B can often be viewed by Type A as lazy or unmotivated. It’s not their goal to always be the best, finish first, and win the prize so we can view them as lacking drive.

Watching others leads to quick and pointless type A frustrations….

It’s important we remember, however, that we are “too much” as we perhaps see them (in our minds) as “too little.”

#4. Exercise more

Some of the happiest times of my life were when I exercised every day. I didn’t put two and two together until doing the Dressing Your Truth course.

I was happier and more relaxed and I believe exercise was key.

Extroverted and high-strung personalities have an excess amount of internal energy and, without exercise, this can lead to pint up energy.

Sometimes they can even be found running around the house like a chicken with their head cut off finding things to do that don’t even need doing.

#5. Release your emotions often, preferably alone

One of the best things I’ve learned in the past few years is to get out my frustrations without taking them out on another person.

Whether it’s praying, screaming into a pillow, or crying, I find that by releasing my emotions alone I am less likely to railroad another person.

If I let my emotions build up they will explode on whoever happened to be near me at a bad time. I have learned that I can…

be more patient
learn to wait
give grace to others

It ain’t easy, but it is possible.

A recent book I’ve read is The Temperament God Gave You. It talks about the four temperaments and how they work.

Both in marriage and parenting, which I found very valuable. I believe many of my edges have softened after having read the book, and that’s saying a lot.

How to Motivate Your Strong + Deliberate Child

If you have a strong, deliberate, and melancholic child motivation can be a difficult thing. Getting them to jump in a project and get started is the hardest part, I hope these tips will help you.

Related personality posts:

This is the last post in our series about motivating our kids. We’ve already discussed the many reasons throughout their childhood we’ll want to motivate them.

To do chores, to do homework, to make plans for their future, to go to church or join a club or be nice. Or pretty much anything.

Before we talk about how to motivate your idealistic little one, let’s review some characteristics of the melancholic serious child.

How to motivate your reluctant perfectionist melancholic child

Characteristics of the Serious + Deliberate Melancholic Child:

introverted
logical
analytical
suspicious
self-sacrificing
serious
hates risk
fears being wrong
attentive to detail
reserved
cautious and indirect
private
negative attitude towards change
idealistic
sensitive to injustice
needs a lot of information and reassurance
optimizer
gifted

The biggest problem you’ll have with motivating your Strong + Deliberate child is probably getting them to start something. They are such great researchers, thinkers, and analyzers, they often freeze before action.

Perfectionism can be a real struggle with this type of personality, so here are some ways to help motivate them.

Read: How to help your child overcome perfectionism

Help them see the most important

Because Strong + Deliberate children are detailed oriented, they will often see so many things they aren’t sure where to focus. They can “major in the minors” very easily and get so bogged down they find it hard to start.

With small children, this might manifest with something as simple as cleaning their room. They might not know where to begin or where to start and it can seem overwhelming.

From a young age, in age appropriate ways, help them learn to not just see the trees, but see the forest. Learn to help them major on the majors and minor on the minors. This will be a lifelong challenge, but you can set them off on the right foot.

Break it into small tasks

If your child already borders on being a “paralyzed perfectionist” the best thing you can do is to help them break larger tasks or project down into small tasks. A big school project can be broken down into steps.

Getting a job, for example, can be broken down into thinking about skills, writing a resume, making a list of potential jobs, and submitting applications.

Help teach your child to think in small steps as opposed to larger steps. While they will want and gather a ton of information, that in itself can make something become even more overwhelming since it’ll feel So Big.

Assure them of their capability

The melancholic personality is not a naturally confident one. While they are often very intelligent, gifted even, since they are so idealistic even they fall short of their ideals. They may be the top of their class but consider themselves a failure since they did this or that that wasn’t Just Right.

When encouraging them they are capable, be sure give them sincere and specific praise for their achievements. Since they are like self-critical, be sure you are praising them for something authentic, but use any opportunity you can to show them they are capable and can do things well.

My son responds really well when I say, “This is really hard, isn’t it? Lucky for you, you can do hard things.” If I don’t acknowledge it’s hard, he’ll just use all his effort attempting to convince me he can’t do it.

Do not say “don’t worry” or “it’s nothing to be scared of”

This will not work out in your favor. If they are already worried or fearful, telling them there’s nothing to worry about will just make them think you don’t understand. Then they will tell you that you’re wrong and just don’t get it and they’ll work harder to make you think it’s bad.

Then you’ll work even harder to convince them they’re overreacting. So they’ll go even further to show you that you just don’t get it. See how this works?

If you don’t want your child to shut down – and you don’t – acknowledge their feelings without joining in their pity party. Don’t let them over empathize the fear.

Calmly and kindly let them know you get it, but spur them on towards the positive aspects of accomplishment or trying hard.

Brainstorm with, not for them

When your child is reluctant to act, or is feeling overwhelmed, try to help them brainstorm. Ask them questions to draw out their fears, worries, or concerns. If they are feeling overwhelmed or are paralyzed with the desire to do something perfect, help them to break it down.

Ask questions like….

What is the first thing you should do?

What is the worst that could happen?

Why am I feeling anxious right now?

What more information should I gather?

What would make this work even better?

You might find this child digs their heels in and is quite resistant to move. Luckily, they are idealistic, passionate, and have high goals.

With a little help, encouragement, and motivation from you, they’re set up to become adults with high standards who fight for what they believe in.

Related reads:

How to motivate your Confident + Take Charge Child
How to motivate your Calm + Steady Child
How to motivate your Fun + Energetic Child
How to motivate your Strong + Deliberate Child

How to Motivate Your Fun + Energetic Child

While your fun and energetic sanguine child might be quick to start, she’s likely slow to finish. If you need to motivate your extroverted sanguine child, I hope these tips help.

Related personality posts:

This week we’re tackling how to motivate our kids. We’ve already discussed the many reasons throughout their childhood we’ll want to motivate them.

To do chores, to do homework, to make plans for their future, to go to church or join a club or be nice. Or pretty much anything.

Before we talk about how to motivate your fun-loving always-ready-for-an-adventure-child, let’s review some characteristics of the sanguine fun loving child.

Characteristics of the Fun + Energetic Sanguine Child:

extroverted
activity prone
fun-loving
optimistic
impulsive
bored easily
people pleaser
charismatic
live in the moment
forgives and forgets easily
enjoys attention
bubbly and chatty
short attention span
changes focus in an instant

This is just a snapshot of the Fun + Energetic personality, but it’s enough to know that it can be tricky to motivate your fun-loving child to do something that doesn’t seem like a good time.

This personality has a hard time sticking with longer term projects, goals, or tasks since they lose focus so quickly, but you can do it!

Help set a schedule for follow through

Fun loving children are quick to start a project or task, but loathe to finish it. For larger projects, help them set up a schedule or accountability system. If they are older and agree, use rewards and consequences for failing to meet goals.

While this may not mimic the real world, it will help them learn and internalize the importance of follow through.

While they may never be completely natural at following through, they can learn how to pace themselves and commit if taught from a younger age the tools they need to keep themselves accountable.

Reward well for finishing

Because Fun + Energetic children love a good time, rewards work very well for them. Of course, rewards should be appropriate and to scale, but whether it’s homework or chores or something they consider “boring” having a fun reward will help.

Choose goals that are exciting to your child, like having friends over, a dance party, dress up, or trip to the ice cream shop. Of course, these will change as they become teenagers, but remember they are driven by the need to be out and about and enjoying life, so let your rewards speak to that.

Help make things fun

Even basic mundane things can be made more fun which will help energize your sanguine child. Clean to music, set a pretty homework table (they love pretty things), or even let younger ones wear beautiful dress up clothes to do other chores.

Think out of the box (particularly if you are not this personality) and ask your child what would make a certain activity more fun.

This does not mean don’t require them to do boring things, life is full of boring things, but to get them used to doing things by making things more fun. Once they learn to think this way, they can also make things more fun for themselves as they get older.

Ask them what things they love (a nicely decorated room, a nice wardrobe, etc.) and help them learn to make those a reality.

Develop observation and detail

Fun + Energetic children are great observers of people since they are eager to please and be liked by others, but they don’t have much attention to detail. Play memory games with your younger ones, ask questions that require thought as they age, and make a habit of drawing their attention to the necessary though “unfun” things of life.

This might be to how things are made, how things are organized, how much work it takes to make dinner, or even how to discipline one’s self. These things will change as your child ages, but be aware that your fun loving child will not naturally notice the small but important details, so try to direct their attention there when possible.

Give a lot of positive feedback and encouragement

Similar to fun rewards, Fun + Energetic children respond well to praise. They love being the center of attention so when you are able, sincerely praise them for their efforts.

This is particularly effective if you praise them for things that are not naturally in their giftings. Praise them for follow through, persevering in a task, handling something “boring” without complaining, or just sitting still.

Related reads:

How to Motivate Your Calm + Steady Child

If you have a hard time motivating your phlegmatic child this is for you. It is harder for some temperaments to be internally motivated than others and the phlegmatic easy going child is one. I hope these tips will help.

Related personality posts:

This week we’re tackling how to motivate our kids. There are many reasons throughout their childhood we’ll want to motivate them. To do chores, to do homework, to make plans for their future, to go to church or join a club or be nice.

First, let’s discuss some characteristics of your Calm + Steady phlegmatic child. This child is, to be honest, the hardest to motivate over the longer term.

They aren’t terribly self-motivated nor are there easily moved or swayed by outer influences and they tend to dig their heels in.

Characteristics of the Calm + Steady Phlegmatic Personality:

introverted
calm
easy going
slow to anger
resists change
quiet
people pleaser
takes the path of least resistance
stubborn
shuts down when nagged
tolerant and supportive
patient to the point of paralysis
excellent listener
hates conflict

This is just a snapshot of some of the qualities a laid back phlegmatic child has. Here are some ways that you can help motivate your Calm + Steady child to do things out of their comfort zone.

Break it down

Your easy going child will get easily discouraged or overwhelmed if a task or project has too many facets. Instead of seeing step by step, they view it as one big obstacle. If your child doesn’t want to start something because it is Just Too Big, help them learn to break it down.

To view something step by step.

My 3-year-old (I can already tell) has this personality. Cleaning his room after a big play time can seem daunting. “Clean your room!” elicits a meltdown, but a “Put your books back, your toys in the basket, and the pillows on the bed,” is much easier for him to digest.

Encourage but don’t enable

This personality, more than any other, will allow you to take stress off their shoulders. A common situation is mom nags nags nags, child digs heels in with no movement, mom goes crazy and does it for him, child lets her. Your Calm + Steady child needs a lot of encouragement, but you must be careful not to take over their duties for them.

Encourage them they are able and up to the task, but step back. If they do not complete it (and it’s a rule in your home) then have clear consequences they will notice.

Encourage – always end talks on a positive note as they are easily discouraged – and then step back and let the chips fall where they may.

Help with goal setting

Calm + Steady children don’t think much into the future. The laid back personality focuses on pleasure in the present, and will need help thinking about the future. Whether it involves school, planning for something like college, or even getting their first job.

Help them break down a goal into small steps, and set goals they are accountable to meet.

Don’t nag or threaten

Even though you Calm + Steady child will bring out every single instinct you have to nag, threaten, and bribe, it will have the opposite effect. They are slow to action, but heavily resist when someone pushes them towards action because it makes them feel out of control and, therefore, unprepared.

Since they are extremely afraid of failure or looking stupid, they will dig their heels in and be very stubborn when faced with nagging or threats.

Review past successes and recognize strengths

Because they tend towards lack of confidence in new things and are easily discouraged, it’s important you encourage them with their past successes. If you falsely flatter or try to puff them up, it will not help because they’ll only feel more inadequate if they don’t believe you.

“Remember the first time you tried riding a bike? It took you a few times, but you got it quickly. You can do hard things!“

By reminding them of past successes and strengths they possess (give a lot of evidence) they will feel more able to take that risk and believe in themselves.

Show the big picture

This can be tricky. If you make something seem too big, they will feel overwhelmed and incapable. However, they have difficulty seeing past the present so it will often take a vision of the end goal to get them to start something.

By showing the clear path, the steps needed, and a timeline you can help them get started with a larger project or goal.

For something like homework or housework, you’ll need to give a reason why and show the end goal. Also, this type of personality really loves to serve those they love. When you need them to do something that helps you, remind them how helpful and good it will feel to you to have their cooperation.

What is your best tip to motivate your easy going child?

Related Reads:

How to Motivate Your Confident + Take Charge Child

Do you wonder how to motivate your choleric child? Though he or she is confident and easily takes on tasks, it can be hard to get them to do what you need (or want) them to do. These tips will help.

Here are the characteristics of the choleric Confident + Take Charge child.

extroverted
quick thinking
active
easily annoyed
forceful
can’t relax
prone to anger
self-sufficient
independent
opinionated
wants to be the best
competitive
always “right”
pragmatic
intelligent
confident
“go-getter”

Not every Confident + Take Charge child will fit the whole mold, but your choleric child is often bossy and in control from a young age. In fact, many firstborn children are Confident + Take Charge according to birth order.

This personality will be more apparent in your child if you are the opposite type personality, if you are a Calm + Steady mom.

You may wonder why you need to motivate this type of child, they seem so motivated already! However, your confident child may get motivated about what they care about, and completely uninterested in what you need them to do.

Whether it’s day to day chores or some type of service project, there are certain things you can do to help motivate your Confident + Take Charge child, even if they seem resolute.

Don’t say “do less” or “rest”

It is the temperament and nature of your Confident + Take Charge child to do and do a lot. Faster, more, and better. They are the personality type most likely to “burn the candle at both ends.”

And while this is not a good thing at its extreme, telling them to “just relax” or to “rest more” will not work. In fact, it may make things worse because if there are things to be done, relaxing is impossible.

If they are older in age, they are likely to turn it around on you and say something like, “Only lazy people rest or relax.” Instead of telling them to relax, help them find a way to fit relaxation and rest in.

By saying something like, “If can do this more quickly, then there’s more time to rest, and you now rest will help you perform better when you need it.”

Challenge them

If you need a task complete or want their homework done, set them a challenge.

“If you can do all your homework in this timeslot, you can do this.”

“Why don’t you see how neat you can fold all these clothes in a pile.” (for smaller kids)

Instead of simply asking them to do something, make it exciting and challenging for them. Instead of balking at a challenge or buckling under the pressure, they actually thrive when challenged.

Don’t pit one sibling against another in comparison, but compare your child’s performance with past performances in a positive light.

“I know you can cook pasta well, remember the last time you made dinner, it was awesome!“

Help them choose the right thing, not the first thing

Confident + Take Charge children (and adults) will rush quickly into a project. While this is good and can be productive, they often spend their energy on things that are not the best.

Because they don’t put much effort into research beforehand – they just make a decision and run with it – they often choose projects or tasks that are not best suited to them or that don’t matter as much in the grand scheme.

Instead of trying to stop them from action, help them go slowly at first. Help them learn to deliberate, calculate, and consider as these are not their strong suits.

Read: Quiet time (Rest time) for Toddlers: All You Need to Know

Give them a reason and make it make sense

More than any other temperament, Confident + Take Charge children need a reason. They are rational, pragmatic, and prudent. They are quick to see things as “pointless” or “stupid” so giving a reason will help you get cooperation quicker than any other motivation method.

This is not to say you can’t require your children to do things without a reason, you can, but continued requests given without reason will be met with extreme resistance.

Even short, simple, and clear reasons for 3 or 4-year-olds can be enough. My 4-year-old daughter will do nearly anything I ask if I give her a reason.

“We need to shower so we wash away the dirt.” “We need to have alone time so we can be refreshed.” It isn’t that you must convince them, but in your authoritative voice just give them a reason.

Compliment them sincerely

Because this choleric child is already confident and self-assured, they enjoy sincere compliments. If flattery is perceived as insincere they will likely notice, as they are a quick judge.

When you can praise them for an effort, do so. They will thrive and come alive under appreciation for their unique skills. When you need them to do something specific for you (or the family or school, etc.) try this approach.

Compliment on their skills + Challenge for the task at hand

Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom

We’ve talked about the positives of the phlegmatic Calm + Steady mom, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles. If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours.

A few people said they had a hard time deciding which personality they had between two choices, so I think this week will help. I’m going to give specific and actionable tips on overcoming the struggles of each of the temperaments as they relate specifically to mothers.

This week I’ve written on:

Are you a phlegmatic mother? Here are some ways to overcome your struggles with temperament and be a happier mom.

You are introverted, calm, steady, and easy going. Easy to get along with, loyal, and a person genuinely interested in others you are fairly resistant to stress and anxiety. The Calm + Steady mom is quick to apologize, empathetic, and diplomatic.

You’re an excellent listener, supportive, and nearly immune to anger.

You struggle with passivity.

Because you are go with the flow and rarely amped up, passivity can be a struggle for you. This will become obvious as you have more responsibilities and duties to perform, but find motivation hard.

Find an accountability partner. If you have things you struggle to start/continue/finish, find a friend who does not struggle with that, and ask her to help keep you accountable.
Do the big things first. When you start your day, practice doing something undesirable before relaxing. Instead of play first, work later, find a better play/work balance.
Choose restrictive entertainment times. Instead of allowing yourself unlimited leisure time, choose blocks during the day or week and relax fully during those times. At other times, get things done.
Make some commitments. The Calm + Steady mom struggles with activity, but by committing to one (or a few, but not a lot) of causes you truly believe in, you will be motivated to follow through.

You struggle with disciplining your kids.

It isn’t that you don’t want to. I know. Phlegmatic Calm + Steady moms struggle with discipline because they don’t like confrontation or uncomfortable situations.

They’d rather admit they are wrong – even if they aren’t – to avoid fights or negative feelings.

Establish some house rules and explicit consequences for breaking them. Explain these thoroughly to your children and, when they don’t follow through, enact your consequence. If this goes on autopilot for you, it’ll be less of a struggle.
Stay connected to your children. Talk about their emotions and attitudes. If you are in tune with them it’ll be easier for you to discipline them instead of avoiding the issue.
Don’t rely on your spouse to do it all. Read the 7 words you should never tell your child.

You struggle with people pleasing.

Whereas other people struggle with people pleasing because they want everyone to like them, you struggle with it because you hate conflict.

You’ll fairly well do anything to avoid a fight. Sometimes this means giving people what they want even if it isn’t right or goes against your wishes.

Read The Best Yes. This will help you break out of people pleasing and get in tune with what’s wise for your own life.
Instead of avoiding all thoughts of conflict, play out likely scenarios in your head. The more you rehearse and prepare, the calmer you will be. The more you engage in proper and mature conflict resolution (even with kids!) the easier it’ll be.
Create boundaries for yourself. Whether it’s “taking a minute” from your kids or just learning to say “no.” Write down where you struggle to please others and create a clear plan of action for the next time you know it’ll happen.
Stop saying what you think others want to hear. It is hard, but you can start this by being silent. Instead of agreeing with what you don’t agree with, say nothing. When you’ve mastered that, go one step further and share your own opinion, even if you know they won’t love it.

You struggle with finding hobbies and interests.

Because you tend to go where life takes you, there are probably few interests that you are passionate about and call your own. This doesn’t matter much in youth, but as you have become a mom and already have limited time to yourself, it’s important to find things you love.

You will naturally default to entertainment or relaxing, but that isn’t always fulfilling.

Find a hobby that fits well with your motherhood lifestyle. Here are more for non-crafty moms.
Join a class where you learn something new or meet new people. Whether it’s a MOPS group, an art class, or even a running club, get out of your comfort zone.
Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to know more about or do, and one by one, begin to explore something new. Find value in learning something else, not necessarily mastering it.

You struggle with confrontation.

Confrontation is your worst enemy and you’ll do almost anything to avoid it. Unfortunately (but really fortunately) you can’t avoid conflict in marriage or parenting.

Even though it makes you uncomfortable and want to run for the hills, you have to meet it head on.

Instead of thinking about conflict as a “fight” think about it as a meeting of hearts. With children you’ll need to do things they don’t like. Same in marriage. Knowing you have the best in mind for your family will help you not to escape.
Reward yourself for initiating a confrontational conversation. After you’ve sat down your husband or child and had a hard talk, do something nice for yourself. Incentive works well.
Understand that being assertive in certain areas doesn’t mean you’re domineering and controlling. You are not used to standing up for yourself, so accept you’ll feel uncomfortable at first.
Don’t brush things under the rug. It doesn’t work.

You struggle with decision making.

You’d rather others make decisions for you than have to do the muddy work of deciding for yourself because, hey, what if it doesn’t turn out well?

The burden of responsibility is a large one for the Calm + Steady mom, and it doesn’t come naturally.

You’ll feel more free and in control of your own life by adopting a few simple principles.

Decide to decide. If there are issues that must be decided, write them down and give them a date. If the date comes and you don’t know, just choose. Though you don’t “feel” very stressed, unmade decisions weigh heavy and create stress that will find an outlet.
Ask for advice from others. The Bible says that without wise counsel, plans fail. Ask your pro-active go-getter friends for their opinion and, once facts are gathered, just make the best choice.
Fight perfectionism. Often the calm person will feel that it’s better not to start than to get in there and not be sure how to finish. Fear of failure is huge. Know that most things can be fixed, and just start.
Ask your spouse for help. If there are some decisions you feel are not yours to make, put them on your spouse’s plate and ask that he take them. If he disagrees, work together to find a solution.
Institute a family planning night where you discuss what’s happening within the family. This will help show you where decisions must be made, and you can navigate it together.

If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!

Overcoming the Struggles of the Strong + Deliberate Mom

We’ve talked about the positives of the melancholic Strong + Deliberate mom, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles. If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours. Post contains affiliate links.

This week I’m going to write on:

Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Strong + Deliberate Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom

Are you a melancholic mother? There are certain struggles common to this strong and deliberate mom. Here are some tips and strategies to help overcome the melancholic weaknesses.

You are introverted, logical, analytical, and reserved. Many melancholic Strong + Deliberate moms are gifted in various areas, self-sacrificing, well organized, and great at gathering information and research.

You are creative, capable, and a great thinker and planner.

You struggle with perfectionism.

Because you have such strong ideals and standards, you struggle with wanting things to be perfect. Because of this, you often fail to act since you are worried it won’t be quite good enough.

This can be tough for you, and particularly for those around you who worry you don’t think they measure up.

While you will always be a person who shoots for excellence, you can learn to stop the paralysis that often comes with the desire for things to be “perfect.”

Adopt the motto, “Excellent is better than perfect.“
Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if this wasn’t perfect?” If the answer is you feel embarrassed or inadequate, this could be pride speaking.
Give yourself time limits. If you are ruminating on a project or idea, set a deadline and do it. Do not let perfectionism become procrastination because the freeze is even colder.
Get a second (or third or fourth) opinion. Ask others if it’s “good enough.” You’ll be surprised at their answers.

You struggle with relaxing.

Because you are idealistic, stubborn, and tenacious (great qualities when applied toward the right things) you find downtime hard.

There is a lot to do and it won’t get done well if you don’t step in so you can easily become frustrated. Relaxing and learning to develop a positive outlook will improve your day to day by leaps and bounds.

My post on Type A women married to Type B men will help you learn to relax more in your marriage.
Take up some hobbies (for crafty moms and non crafty moms) that require your focus and attention. Don’t let them become pursuits of perfection, but simply to release steam.
Exercise. Your temperament is prone to illness and lethargy, so be sure to get in some type of exercise a few times a week.
Find new practical and natural ways to relieve stress.

You struggle with being too sensitive.

This is a tough one for you. You truly care what others think and how they perceive you. Because you are naturally suspicious and try to find hidden words and meanings (even if there aren’t any) you can often feel rejected.

Additionally, since many Strong + Deliberate moms are more reserved and withdrawn, this can come across as aloof and snobbish which means others may react in ways that further hurt you. You know the truth!

Read the bestselling book “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t!)“
Learn to share your feelings well. When you are able to ask someone for clarification, dig deeper into why you’re hurting, and communicate with others about this you’ll often find people did not mean offense.
Get out of your comfort zone more. By removing yourself from “comfortable” situations you’ll broaden your horizons, experience, and increase your capacity for feeling uncomfortable.
Learn to stop taking offense. It’s so hard, but so worth it. This book, The Bait of Satan, will help.

You struggle with unrealistic standards.

If you are only imposing standards on yourself, you may be okay for a time. But as a mother, you quickly realize your standards aren’t that realistic.

It makes you perpetually disappointed and frustrated that your children can’t quite live up to what you want or need them to do. This hurts you and them.

Learn to evaluate and better manage your expectations. Expectations should be realistic.
Read books, talk to others, and find out commonly agreed upon norms. This may help you to see that your children or husband are not “behind” but on target. They do not have to perform like Olympians to be doing very well.
Think about how you feel when you don’t meet your own standards. Imagine your child standing in front of you feeling that way. Oh no! Work hard to not communicate your feelings inappropriately to your children.
Learn to praise your kids well. This will help immensely with your feelings toward their behavior and their feelings towards you.

You struggle with negativity.

Negativity, cynicism, and pessimism can be lifelong struggles for the melancholic Strong + Deliberate mom. It’s hard for you to master these emotions, and you surely don’t want them to permeate your home.

While you may always be a tad “glass half empty” you can learn to cultivate a more positive outlook.

Start a gratitude journal. Here is a good one. This will help you to focus on the positives.
Look at the bright side. When you start to feel down or negative about a situation, think of 3 positives that go with it. If you do this consistently in the moment, you will naturally begin seeing more positives.
Learn to release your anger better so that it doesn’t bottle up and explode.

You struggle with disappointment.

Disappointment is a heart breaker. Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Because of your natural idealism and hope for excellence in yourself, you extend it to others and situations far outside of your control.

Therefore, you’re often left feeling less than. Disappointment will sour and turn quickly into bitterness and resentment if it isn’t dealt with.

Count your blessings. Using the gratitude journal or just in conversation, appreciate the positives.
If you feel a huge sense of disappointment, write down the individual things that have disappointed you or cause you strife. Then, one by one, do what you can to change that situation. Things that are out of your control, you must let go.
Find some bible verses that speak to your heart about hope and life. Here are some great ones.
Develop perseverance. Instead of stewing in your hurts, choose to embrace the path you are on (or a new one) and actively find its positives.

If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!

Overcoming the Struggles of the Confident + Take Charge Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Strong + Deliberate Mom
Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom

Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom

We’ve talked about the positives of the sanguine Fun + Energetic mom, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles. If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours. Post contains affiliate links.

This week I’m going to write on:

Are you a sanguine mom? There are certain struggles consistent with this fun and energetic personality, here's how to cope better in your motherhood role.

Mama, you are extroverted, fun, energetic, optimistic, people oriented, and cheery. You genuinely enjoy being around others and people feel comfortable around you. You are quite popular, charismatic, and passionate. You may get mad quickly, but you forgive just as fast and don’t tend to hold grudges.

You struggle with loneliness.

As the “life of the party” you find energy in groups and socialization. Being at home with small children can feel extremely isolating for you, particularly if your children aren’t behaving as you’d like.

There is not much worse for you than feeling dull, bored, or disappointed. Here are some ways to be sure you get the company you crave.

Host playdates at your home or even a public playground or park.
Go to weekly events like library readings, Bible studies, or MOPS groups.
Consider hiring a nanny for a certain block of time so you can catch up with old friends.
Regularly invite couples and friends over for dinner. Foster a sense of community in your home.
Read For the Love. It will feel like a huge breathe of fresh air to you.

You struggle with the mundane.

Again, part of the reason you can find home isolating and monotonous is that you come alive with excitement. Nothing is less exciting than laundry, chores, and organization.

It’s great for you to have it in order so it doesn’t drain you further, but the self-discipline and routine can be a struggle.

You may even feel very burdened by it all.

Prioritize the most important. You won’t have the bandwidth to do many banal tasks, but along with your spouse, determine your priorities and try to do those first everyday.
Consider hiring help. If your budget allows, hire someone to deep clean.
Start basic tidy routines with your kids. Once they get the hang of them, you need only enforce.

You struggle with consistency and routine.

You are likely not a huge lover of routine. Not that you don’t enjoy pretty checklists and getting things done, but you don’t enjoy doing the same thing every day.

This likely results in some struggles with small children since they thrive on consistency.

So instead of trying to become super strict in your routine (which probably won’t happen) you can try these things.

Find a good rhythm for your family and stick with it. My book Rhythms, Routines & Schedules break down how a rhythm might be better suited for you than a strict schedule. Kids do need rhythm so sticking with one will be invaluable.
Use blocks. Instead of planning down to the minute, think of your day in blocks. In each block you must do “x” but within that block, there is flexibility.
Find an accountability partner. Choose another friend who will help keep you accountable to doing the things you need throughout the day. Whether by text, email or social media, stay in contact.
Work on self-control. Take baby steps to build new habits of consistency that – though not super fun to start – will serve your energetic personality for years to come.

You struggle with people pleasing.

Because you love people and fun and happy environments, you try to avoid disappointing others. This may mean you over promise or make choices you don’t really believe in simply to keep the peace.

Whether to your spouse, children, or extended family, this can get you into some issues.

Plus, you aren’t being genuine to the person God made you if you change to please others.

Read The Best Yes. It’s all about wisdom with who we choose to please.
Change your default to “let me think about it.” Given some time and space you can learn to think before acting or committing.
Think about what boundaries are often crossed in your life that make you uncomfortable and work on those first. Whether it’s someone speaking too critically of you or a co-worker who consistently requires you to go above and beyond, choose two boundaries you know are being crossed and stand firm with those.
Realize you can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be all mom to all your babies. It is a short season and you don’t want to “miss it.”

You struggle with your emotions.

With a tendency towards people pleasing and a love for the fun, you wear your emotions on your sleeve. Though you do forgive and forget easily, you are swayed greatly by how you are feeling in the moment.

This can be good when the feelings are good, and bad when the feelings are not.

Make steps towards being a calm mom.
Learn how to manage your anger and discover your anger triggers so you are less likely to explode.
Create some basic consequences, expectations, and rules for your home. Concrete them in your mind and stick with them no matter how you are feeling. This will create security for your children.
Learn to “give yourself a minute” if you are feeling On The Verge. Your kids and spouse will thank you.

You struggle with long-term thinking.

As a person who loves to live in the moment you don’t linger in the past nor give too much thought to the future. It’s the here and now for you.

While this definitely has its benefits, it can be a struggle and a weakness with respect to goal setting and even child rearing.

So many of our parenting decisions are made now based on what we hope for the future. We must have an eye on both for success.

Don’t value spontaneity above consistency. Yes, have fun with the kids and enjoy this season, but realize that they need consistency. Fun is like icing on the cake.
Learn to zoom out. We often get so caught up in the moment we can’t see the forest for the trees. By learning to use big picture thinking we’ll get a better balance.
Practice goal setting for your family. Whether it’s goals for next year or the next 5 years, find a good goal setting system. Once you get started you’ll even feel the fun of it. This book might help.

If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!

Overcoming the Struggles of the Confident + Take Charge Mom

We’ve talked about the positives of the choleric Confident + Take Charge, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles.

If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours.

This week I’m going to write on:

Are you a choleric mom? Certain aspects of motherhood are difficult for the confident and take charge mom and here are some ways to overcome those struggles.

Mama, you are extroverted, quick thinking, practical, self-confident, and self-sufficient. There’s not a problem you can’t solve, nor a situation that can’t be managed. You are busy, fast, and quick to see what needs to be done. You are an opinionated visionary with lots of energy.

You are a good decision maker, leader, and you just want to get it done.

You struggle to relax.

“How can you relax when there is so much to be done?” I asked my husband, apparently oblivious to the dishes and toys strewn everywhere. “Because they’ll get done,” he said. “Yeah, by me at night midnight tonight if you make me watch this stupid movie. I’ll be tired all day tomorrow! Can’t you just help me now?“

The problems of a Type A wife married to a Type B man. Good news. You can learn to relax.

The way for a Confident + Take Charge mom to relax is to have the other “urgent” elements of the day organized and planned out. If you know things will get done, you can relax.

Have tidy up routines so the house is always a few steps away from clean.
Schedule in time for yourself in the everyday.
Get exercise. Our personality more than any other needs exercise to release pent up energy.
Delegate chores and tasks to the kids (with clear consequences if they go undone) and spend time throughout the day getting things done.

Choleric moms find it difficult to relax. Try these tips for the confident and take charge mom.

You struggle to leave things “undone.”

This is incredibly difficult for our personality because our entire temperament is bent towards “finishing.” It’s why we rush through, leave some details at half quality, or rush into projects before proper research.

Because we’re confident we can figure it out and, by golly, it needs to just get done.

By learning to leave some things undone, or mid-process, we can ratchet down our speed from full out to steady. Here’s how to manage the constant stress of Finishing Everything.

Learn not to start projects until you have all the materials and a clear plan. We are starter finishers and if it’s started, it’ll consume our minds until we check it off the list.
Create realistic time frames based on real life expectations. You can’t sew a quilt in a day, write a book in a week, or make handmade Christmas presents on Tuesday. Stretch out time frames because the one in your head is, almost certainly, unrealistic.
Create an “out of sight” work space. If you pass by your project or task 56 times a day, the desire to finish will eat at you. By using space away from the central hub of your home you can utilize the out of sight, out of mind principle. And if you can’t move it, cover it up.
Don’t leave your pile of “things to do” right there on the kitchen counter all day. It’ll eat at you that you can’t focus on the list and finish it. Pull it out when it’s time to tackle it.

You struggle to manage your expectations.

Unrealistic expectations are the bane of the Confident + Take Charge mom’s existence. We have high expectations of ourselves and others and end up disappointed a great majority of the time.

Mostly with other people who don’t have our same drive to finish, get it done, excel, and win at everything All the Time.

Since we don’t want to raise downtrodden children with a fear of disappointing us, we must learn to form healthy and appropriate expectations.

Learn to praise and encourage effort, not performance.
Create and discuss clear expectations for children and spouse. Before cementing these in your mind (as we do) take feedback as to whether they are too ambitious.
Lower your standards. This is bad advice for some but for the choleric Confident + Take Charge mom, it’s good. Your standards are too high for toddlers, preschoolers, and mere humans to attain.
We must learn to find joy in eternal things, not the temporal ever-changing whims of small children.

You struggle to be empathetic.

Empathy and sympathy are not our natural gifts. But our no-nonsense tell-it-like-it-is personalities can hurt others and make them feel both ashamed and disappointed they can’t be as “strong” as they perceive us to be.

Practice saying, “I know you must feel sad right now, I can understand!”
Get on your knees and speak eye level to the kids.
Learn to hug and comfort without offering “you should do this” or “you should have done that.“
Establish on your heart that your gift is the ability to separate feelings from the situation, but others cannot.

You struggle with impulsiveness.

Because we are passionate go-getters, we’ll often jump knee deep into situations, activities, or commitments that aren’t thought through properly.

With small children this can be a serious burden as our family schedule becomes full and there isn’t downtime. It also comes out in the day to day hodrumness of routine.

Keep a good routine, but know change is as good as a vacation.
When feeling the urge to shop and buy, stand back and determine if you’re being influenced by a “today only” sale. If so, abandon the shopping cart and walk away. You’ll likely forget about it and if not, you can buy tomorrow.
Think about the costs of an action you find yourself maniacally drawn to. Just yesterday I packed up 4 kids to drive 45 minutes for a 5 minute errand during lunchtime. Am I stupid? Yes. Sometimes. We should avoid this.

You struggle with humility.

Pride, arrogance, and vain conceit are weaknesses of the Confident + Take Charge mom. In addition to the Bible labeling these sins of the heart, they prevent us from being wise parents who make good decisions.

In order to be wise, knowledgeable, in touch mothers we need hearts that can say, “I was wrong. I don’t know all the answers. I value your opinion.” Again, I am this personality so this is not me preaching to you, but me preaching to us.

Continue reading books of all kinds. They remind us we don’t know everything.
Practice saying “I am sorry” daily.
When others try to correct us or give their opinion, first repeat what they’ve said and help them prove their point before you try to prove yours.

If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!

Strengths of the Calm + Steady Mom

Your phlegmatic temperament has much to offer your children and family and here’s why. This is installment 4 of 4 of the four temperaments and how each of them bring life to their family.

If you’ve been waiting all week to get into why you, the calm steady mom, are a great mom then wait no longer.

You are calm and steady.

As an introvert, you are content at home with the kids and able to take things in stride. Even when things get chaotic, stressful, or the kids get out of control you remain easygoing.

As a Calm + Steady mom you’re nearly immune to anger. Your fuse is very long and it takes a lot of pressure over an extended period of time before you blow up. Ever patient and long suffering, you can remain cool under pressure.

You can get down to the kids’ level and just be with them. They feel that you truly pay attention and that’s because you do.

You are able to focus intently on what you are doing, and the kids will often look to you to play a game or watch their new trick because they know you’ll focus on them.

Are you calm, steady, easy going and a peacemaker? Phlegmatic moms are blessings on their children and here's why!

The Calm + Steady mom is a peacekeeper by nature. You don’t function well when situations are full of turmoil and drama, and seek to keep your home a place of rest and relaxation. You’ll be quick to diffuse high tempers and to reconcile everyone to a place of relational harmony.

Whereas other temperaments tend towards anxiety and worry, you live fully in the present and avoid situations that are likely to cause you stress. You like to think before speaking or jumping into something and will often take a long time before starting something new.

You will be predictable in certain areas of motherhood and your children will find security in that.

The Calm + Steady mom will likely teach her children empathy and kindness. Instead of focusing on punishment, you will be quick to explain to your children why a certain behavior is preferable to another. You truly care about the feelings and well-being of others and want your kids to feel welcome and safe in your home.

“Nice” is a word often used to describe you. It’s not for lack of more descriptive words, but because you truly personify the adjective. You are kind, thoughtful, respectful, and caring. As your children age they will find you an excellent listener.

You won’t jump in to offer help when unasked, but offer positive supportive feedback when you know it’s desired. Children of the Calm + Steady mom will use your shoulder often and know you care about what they are going through.

You are easygoing.

People feel at peace around you.

You create an environment of harmony and rest.

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
Her children arise and call her blessed.”
Proverbs 31:11-12, 20, 28

The Calm + Steady mom’s family are blessed by her steady, kind, and calm demeanor. She brings peace and harmony to her loved ones.

Personality

1. Admit the Truth

2. Get to Know Their Personality Type

Self-Care Routine Tracker

3. Leading Doesn’t Mean They Will Be Strong in Everything

Self-Care Routine Tracker

4. Establish Weekly Family Meetings

What does a weekly list do?

5. Remember that Life is a Video- Not a Picture

Self-Care Routine Tracker

For example:

Paula Abdul was right, people, opposites attract.

I got mad because I’m a Type A woman and we hate to be inconvenienced

Self-Care Routine Tracker

I can be critical because I’m a Type A woman and we don’t like weakness

I am easily annoyed because I’m a Type A woman and we need things to go to plan

I’m a Type A woman and we hate things derailing our productivity

He didn’t judge me because he’s Type B and he’s quick to give the benefit of the doubt

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

Where does the term Type A come from?

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How we can manage our neuroses Type A frustrations?

#1. Learn to think first, talk later

Self-Care Routine Tracker

#2. Let the intensity pass before acting

#3. Realize you’re “unbalanced” just as others are “unbalanced”

#4. Exercise more

#5. Release your emotions often, preferably alone

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

Characteristics of the Serious + Deliberate Melancholic Child:

Help them see the most important

Break it into small tasks

Assure them of their capability

Do not say “don’t worry” or “it’s nothing to be scared of”

Brainstorm with, not for them

Characteristics of the Fun + Energetic Sanguine Child:

Help set a schedule for follow through

Reward well for finishing

Help make things fun

Develop observation and detail

Give a lot of positive feedback and encouragement

Characteristics of the Calm + Steady Phlegmatic Personality:

Break it down

Encourage but don’t enable

Help with goal setting

Don’t nag or threaten

Review past successes and recognize strengths

Show the big picture

What is your best tip to motivate your easy going child?

Here are the characteristics of the choleric Confident + Take Charge child.

Don’t say “do less” or “rest”

Challenge them

Help them choose the right thing, not the first thing

Give them a reason and make it make sense

Compliment them sincerely

Self-Care Routine Tracker

You struggle with passivity.

You struggle with disciplining your kids.

You struggle with people pleasing.

You struggle with finding hobbies and interests.

You struggle with confrontation.

You struggle with decision making.

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

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You struggle with perfectionism.

You struggle with relaxing.

You struggle with being too sensitive.

You struggle with unrealistic standards.

You struggle with negativity.

You struggle with disappointment.

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

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You struggle with loneliness.

You struggle with the mundane.

You struggle with consistency and routine.

You struggle with people pleasing.

You struggle with your emotions.

You struggle with long-term thinking.

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

Self-Care Routine Tracker