Chore Barriers... These 6 Things Make Kids Resist Chores

Kids don’t want to do chores and resist chore time when these habits are going on in the home. Let’s get those kids to cooperate!

If you’ve got little ones making messes, then you need little ones picking those messes up.

Sure, you may have some kids who:

escape to the bathroom during chores
whine and fuss and avoid the work
start serious power struggles

But the good news is this: if you eliminate a lot of the barriers I mention in this video and in this post, your kids will get on their way to being chore machines.

You don’t ask your kids to do chores OFTEN enough

If it’s only random or occasional requests to do chores, they won’t get used to them.

When kids feel it’s Out Of The Blue and not that often, it feels like a big imposition. Kids will feel like chores are YOUR job and that you’re “asking them for help.”

ask regularly (daily, weekly at a minimum).
don’t phrase it like a question, it’s not a choice.
let them get to the point of Chore Saturation so they just get on with it.

Nothing happens if kids refuse to do chores.

If nothing happens when kids refuse… they’ll continue to refuse.

Chores are non-negotiable and the kids don’t get to choose. Now, they may choose when or how, but if you are requiring them to help out then that’s that.

Bake a consequence into the rule.

It may be something like “chores and then screen time.” Which also means “no chores = no screen time.”

Think through what will be the consequence and attach it to the rule. This will prevent you from trying to think of a lot of random consequences any time you meet resistance.

Not having the right tools.

If you want chores to be painless for the kids, make sure you have everything you need within reach.

nontoxic cleaning products
mops, brooms, stools, etc.
cleaning caddies
things put where kids can reach

Organizing your cleaning supplies and making sure kids feel empowered and knowledgeable about how to use them go a long way. Kids will get familiar with the tools. They’ll know which products do what.

And this will help them take ownership.

There’s no carrot to doing the chores.

Our kids’ days need to be organized for cooperation.

This means you don’t let them do Super Fun things they don’t want to stop BEFORE their jobs.

For example.

You wouldn’t let a child play on a device before they’ve done their chores. Screens should always be given AFTER responsibilities are taken care of.

order work before play
choose a time to do chores before something fun (like snacks or meals)
having a regular time of tidy routines or doing a sweep before going somewhere fun so they are motivated.

Read These While You’re At It

4 Reasons It’s Hard for Moms To Teach Their Kids To Clean

A Doable Weekly Cleaning Schedule For Busy Moms

Big List of Chores 2 & 3 Year-Olds Can Do On Their Own Daily Chores for Kids that Help Prepare Them for Life

How Moms Can Work Themselves Out of Their Chores (a Step-by-Step Guide)

It’s gotten too overwhelming and it’s too much.

If your child’s room is too messy to even start, that will make it seem insurmountable to your child.

Avoid overwhelm by staying on top of things regularly.

do daily tidying routines along with your child
institute an evening sweep
have kids clean up after independent play daily
do one thing before another (aka clean up before fun stuff)

Chores should be routine.

Chores should be a routine part of family life for your kids. The more often you do it, the less resistance they will have.

You can do this, mama!

How do I know which kinds of chores are age-appropriate for my child?

You know you child best, so you can determine things around the house that they can help with since each child is different. Check out this blog post and this one to use as a guide for this.

How do I know if my child actually can’t do a chore or if they just don’t want to do it?

Kids need to be taught, in-depth, how to do chores. I like the gradual release of responsibility approach where the parent starts by modeling how to do the chore, then the child does guided practice where they’re doing the chore with support from their parent, and then they can do it independently when the parent is confident that they can do so. Using this approach ensures that they can do the chore confidently and by themselves.

How do I teach my child to do chores correctly without doing it for them?

The first few times do the chore alongside them, then let them try while you offer gentle guidance. Overall, encourage effort over perfection and offer regular check ins to praise their work and offer feedback so they know how to do the chores well.

Jo says

I’ve been along for the ride with you Rachel for a number of years now, and I can say with hindsight to you and everyone reading that listed in this article are the most helpful strategies for getting my kids to help. Phrasing demands like invitations to work with me rather than just checking off a box on their too-long to-do list was powerful for getting them on the routine. Setting the expectation that once we learn this we don’t go backward or we lose a privilege gained from being responsible until we cooperate, kept them moving when the motivators weren’t enough to teach the habit. Staying calm and loving and sympathetic but not budging without special circumstances when they expressed their fatigue or distaste for the chores, protected our relationships and made them feel understood and seen. They were able to understand the difference between voluntarily following a loving leader with something to give you versus following a tyrant with no interest in seeing them or a common goal succeed.
Once I involved my oldest in the carrot-making process, (bc old carrots didn’t keep their motivating power, and new ones kept having to escalate in impact to be helpful), he was actually able to start gaining real speed with independent tasks, which made him feel proud about the value that I pointed out he was adding to the house. As an ADHD lid, having a tangible thing he could point to that proved he helped his family make forward progress was huge! Nothing motivates like hard-won success. The right tools took away stalling, excuses, and fussing, and gave them a feeling of independence and control over their situation. Letting them help pick out their tools was even more motivating. Explaining why we help with chores as children when our friends might not have to got their buy-in, made them proud of themselves, and reduced some of the reflex-rebellion.
I had to offer scaffolding for longer than I wanted to, an uncountable number of explanations, and had to accept a different mentality about obedience, but they grew into boys with character, and it worked! The more consistent I stayed with the boundaries and expectations around helping out with chores,(long pauses or loose boundaries created a need for retraining
and starting all over) and the more I communicated gratefully about how it helped us as a family, the easier it became to get ready compliance. We went from a war at home to feeling pretty relaxed, and my kids know they have a way to contribute and add value to our family that made them feel like important pieces of something bigger than themselves.
More importantly, I know they won’t get to a point down the line where they don’t know how to manage their life and space bc they don’t have the self control to make themselves to something they don’t want to do. These are real gems!

Comments

Jo says

I’ve been along for the ride with you Rachel for a number of years now, and I can say with hindsight to you and everyone reading that listed in this article are the most helpful strategies for getting my kids to help. Phrasing demands like invitations to work with me rather than just checking off a box on their too-long to-do list was powerful for getting them on the routine. Setting the expectation that once we learn this we don’t go backward or we lose a privilege gained from being responsible until we cooperate, kept them moving when the motivators weren’t enough to teach the habit. Staying calm and loving and sympathetic but not budging without special circumstances when they expressed their fatigue or distaste for the chores, protected our relationships and made them feel understood and seen. They were able to understand the difference between voluntarily following a loving leader with something to give you versus following a tyrant with no interest in seeing them or a common goal succeed.
Once I involved my oldest in the carrot-making process, (bc old carrots didn’t keep their motivating power, and new ones kept having to escalate in impact to be helpful), he was actually able to start gaining real speed with independent tasks, which made him feel proud about the value that I pointed out he was adding to the house. As an ADHD lid, having a tangible thing he could point to that proved he helped his family make forward progress was huge! Nothing motivates like hard-won success. The right tools took away stalling, excuses, and fussing, and gave them a feeling of independence and control over their situation. Letting them help pick out their tools was even more motivating. Explaining why we help with chores as children when our friends might not have to got their buy-in, made them proud of themselves, and reduced some of the reflex-rebellion.
I had to offer scaffolding for longer than I wanted to, an uncountable number of explanations, and had to accept a different mentality about obedience, but they grew into boys with character, and it worked! The more consistent I stayed with the boundaries and expectations around helping out with chores,(long pauses or loose boundaries created a need for retraining
and starting all over) and the more I communicated gratefully about how it helped us as a family, the easier it became to get ready compliance. We went from a war at home to feeling pretty relaxed, and my kids know they have a way to contribute and add value to our family that made them feel like important pieces of something bigger than themselves.
More importantly, I know they won’t get to a point down the line where they don’t know how to manage their life and space bc they don’t have the self control to make themselves to something they don’t want to do. These are real gems!

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