I’ve had a hard time of it recently. Not in a pity party way, but in a grieving-what-I-thought-my-life-would-look-like-but-what-it-is-not kind of way. I don’t regret decisions that I’ve made to be a stay-at-home-mom, simply that there is a transition that inevitably happens, and it is perfectly good and right to grieve the freedoms lost. Being real and honest about where we’re at emotionally helps us move forward in a healthy way. I realized what was going on, basically, was I found myself in a stay at home mom identity crisis.
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Taking a snapshot this day in time, my life has not quite turned out like I thought it would. From childhood I had certain expectations and things I took for granted about myself that have not (yet?) happened. Some things I have now in life are better than I ever could have hoped for, but there are still things that I expected I’d have, which I don’t, and this brings feelings of disappointment and loss. Where these expectations came from, who knows, but the fact is our expectations play a huge part in our mental health. What we expect, no matter how ridiculous or out there, has power over us because with unfulfilled expectations comes disappointment, heartache and sadness.
I had these hard thoughts the other day.
I am in charge of no one.
I am bossy and I guess I thought I’d have a job and be a boss. Nope. I boss around my two babies and attempt to boss around my husband, but that’s it. Luckily for my ego my babies mostly do what I say.
Loving Authority
I rarely have occasion to dress nice.
I always imagined myself in navy pencil skirts with pinstripes and high heels. Literally, I remember dressing up in my moms’ clothes and answering phones and bossing imaginary secretaries around. Now, I wear running shorts (that I don’t run in), khaki shorts, or knit sundresses most of the time. I see women in “work attire” around and about and feel like a slob. I was in Sydney the other day on a “Rachel Day” and passed by woman after woman in those nice peplum sheath dresses holding cool leather briefcase things and there I was with my hair in a knot in my navy polo dress (was it L.L. Bean or Land’s End….it’s hard to say me being oh so fashionable and all) and thongs. Oh yeah, thongs = flip flops in Australia. In comparison I just felt… unsuccessful and immature. Like they had real jobs and I never grew up.
Read: 5 Things Emotionally Exhausted Mothers Need to Remember
Self-Care Routine Tracker
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
I don’t yet own a house.
We’ve been in Australia now less than two years and, because my husband is studying Engineering at “uni” (as they say here) full-time and we both only work part-time (me from home), owning a home would be a burden too heavy to bear. Our rental is nice, relatively new and nothing to complain about. I just never thought I wouldn’t be able to put up a plank ceiling, wallpaper or knock out a wall. I never thought I’d reach 31 and not own anything worth more than $10 or 15 thousand dollars. It is humbling. This is better than the living arrangements of much of the world, I know, but I am measuring my expectations based on a life in my society with my reality.
I am not “important.”
Obviously, you can gather I had grand designs in my youth. I thought I’d do something important or be someone important. Being an only child gives you a over-inflated sense of your importance anyway, I guess. I imagined myself fighting for a cause or winning a case. Instead, I have little influence, and aside from the occasional friend seeking some wisdom, I do not have an important status on paper or anywhere else.
I am not a leader.
Maybe because I’m bossy and I talk a lot and I’m smart (not like insanely smart, but straight A smart) and I have lots of ideas, I just thought I’d be a leader. Alas, I am not. Aside from my two perfect munchkins and a Sunday evening women’s meeting at my church (where I’m using a curriculum which means I basically only show up and press play) I do not lead. I thought I’d be in charge of something by now. Although I am busy building my resume for a stay at home mom.
I tend towards anxiety.
After a recent hormone surge and a subsequent severe anxiety spell I realized, though that episode was extreme, I always feel anxious. I am supposed to be full of peace and never worry. Instead, I’ve probably had anxiety for a very long time, and now I’m going to see an anxiety counsellor. I thought I’d be able to do it all and have it all, not that I would fall terribly short of my perhaps unrealistic expectations and give myself anxiety in the process.
After having this epiphany about the relatively humble status of my life compared to what I thought I would have, I felt God show me these truths.
Rooted in Family
(1) There are seasons
In the dead of winter with frost on the ground, no leaves on the trees, and shivering through the night, there are no indications that a spring will arrive. In the dead of summer when you’re sweating in the shade, unable to finish your ice cream cone before it melts everywhere and you’re looking decidedly unladylike with sweat stains under your arms, it’s hard to imagine a cold winter’s night.
Yet, as the sun rises and it sets, so the seasons change. Winter, spring, summer, fall. Or, here Down Under, summer, autumn, winter, spring. Every single year. I am in a particular season. A demanding, exhausting and stretching season. But, even this season won’t last forever. My kids will go to school then go off to college or get married (someone please email me a sedative). I may even have occasion to wear a pencil skirt and heels or even – gasp – a suit. I might even have an employee or two. Or maybe I won’t. But, either way, things won’t stay this way forever.
(2) I am the most important person in the world (along with my husband) to two people
Of course being important is relative and it’s a weird expectation to have regardless. Maybe it was a hope, a hope to be someone who others could look at and say “wow, she’s done something.” But you know what? My two babies do think I’m important. I am one person they value highest. No other face or voice is the same as mine. Some very successful beautiful billionaire who never wears Nike shorts but who wears high heels every day can’t get the reaction from my babies that I can. And if I’m honest, that does make me feel important. It makes me feel the most important.
(3) Do not despise small beginnings
From the beginning of our immigration to Australia journey I have felt God tell me this. That if He can trust me with a little, He can trust me with a lot (Luke 16:10). If I can be content with just enough then I’m content. If and when I get more later, fine, I’m still content. If I don’t get more later, fine, I’m still content. I must not look at others in huge homes driving Mercedes with perfect makeup and hair (I wish I could make myself do anything with my hair except stick it in a bun) with children wearing $50 leggings and $80 rain boots and despise my small beginnings.
Our small house, small budget, small car, and small status. God doesn’t care about my status and my children don’t know what status is, so why waste contentment and peace worrying and wishing for things I can’t take with me anyway?
(4) It is easy to misplace your identity when you are focused on others all day
I used to be self-assured and self-aware and very clear (at least in my own mind) about who I was. I knew my tastes and likes and dislikes. I even know myself so well I can find things I lose by saying “if I had it right now, where would I put it?” I’m right 95% of the time, no matter how obscure the location. That’s cause I’m predictable and if it ain’t broke, I don’t fix it. However, after months and months of focusing on babies 12 hours a day, and sometimes on into the night, I started to lose touch with myself. I remember sitting on the couch thinking “oh my goodness, who am I? What do I like? What would I do right now if I could?”
I felt so far removed from the Rachel I once knew that I felt like a stranger in my own body. I believe this is not uncommon. For someone like me, an only child from the country, relaxing to me means being alone in a quiet atmosphere. A loudish suburb with loud kids and barely a few hours alone – and those pretty much always at home – had not refreshed me.
My husband and I decided I could take a full day/night out to regenerate. I did. I watched a movie, read a whole book, took a nap, took two baths even though I wasn’t dirty, ate a dang good dinner, and stayed at a nice hotel. I came home the next day and had more patience with my children than I’d had in months. Being alone, for me, helps get me back to myself. And I may not be perfect, but I want to give my kids the best I absolutely can and wandering around on autopilot is not it.
I chose to stay home. I choose it again today. I will choose it next year and the year after. It is my desire. But just because it is my desire doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.
I was in the kitchen a few weeks ago and saw how messy it was, how many dishes were in the sink, and how the floor needed a good sweep and mop. I teared up thinking how I do the same things over and over each day and yet there is always more to do. I felt empty, drained and weak. Then I felt God say into my spirit that despite the difficulties, I will look back at this time as the best years of my life. I knew in that moment it was the truth. My babies’ small faces, their innocent laughter, reading a million word books, colouring together, playing peekaboo and chasing my babies up and down the hall.
Mom Problem Solving Worksheet
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Later, I won’t remember all the laundry and dishes and diapers. I will remember the love and joy of new life and how I was blessed – no, privileged – to be able to take some time out for a few years and just be with my children. To get up, love them, serve them, and go to bed exhausted knowing that they know they are loved. Before they have to hit the real world, before they are bombarded with their own share of challenges and pain. Before they leave me (oh God help me) to go make their place in the world. I am blessed to have a baby girl who wakes up every morning calling my name and a baby boy who has the hugest smile he saves just for me, and a bun baking in the oven. All the rest is just extra.
Thanks for sharing and for being so honest 🙂
Thank you, Franziska! I hoped I wasn’t the only one who felt this way 🙂
Thank you so much for this post and for being honest and brave enough to write about your feelings.
Thank you for the encouragement, Julianne. If it helps anyone else feel less alone in their own feelings then it is worth it!
Wow! I came to your blog through Chronicles of a Babywise Mom and wow… if this doesn’t sum me up in several paragraphs, I don’t know what does! My husband is also in school full-time, pursuing a PhD in American History. While I have a degree in education, a surprise pregnancy wrecked those plans (I was due in the middle of what would have been my first year teaching). I work a basic desk job where I often feel very unfulfilled, but it pays our bills and affords us health insurance as well as grants us 1/2 off my husband’s tuition. I have been having a huge identity crisis lately, especially as we discuss having a second (which will mean more sacrifices). But, you are so right – “do not despise small beginnings”. I pray Proverbs 30:7-9 all the time and God is faithful to answer. 🙂
We had a surprise pregnancy too which wrecked our plans of me working full-time with my husband studying. The best laid plans… And that is a great passage. Thank you for linking it up because I feel the need to write it on a notecard now. Ha!
I really appreciate what you said the one thing that stuck out that i do as well is..I teared up thinking how I do the same things over and over each day and yet there is always more to do. I felt empty, drained and weak. I feel weak alot and depressed and anxiety to the high power. I pray alot and go crazy alot and lose it alot. I have a 3 year old who is hyper 24/7 and is super clingy to me her father works nights and sleeps all day so its pretty much me and her plus im battling my health sometimes nap is just the closest thing to a break that i have IF i get to have one. It is like the things and people (kids) we love the most be the one thing that breaks us in the end!!! But it is a beautiful experience it requires the right people to do it and it is not for everyone thank you for your story and your truth about motherhood the good, the bad, and the ugly but we continue to strive and make it each and every day and that is truely a blessing!
Swandra, thanks for sharing your heart. It is so true that the things that are the most important are often the very hardest and most challenging. Do keep praying because God hears it! And I’m going to read the articles you linked right now! Thanks so much for that, I love a good read!
On top of all this i have to schedule my schooling around her naps so my breaks are non existant! ( yes i am in school online though)
What wonderful thoughts. I too had three children in less than three years – and suffered from anxiety post-partum after my third. I felt in flight-or-fight mode nearly all of the time. Not fun. I was blessed with a Dr who seeks natural methods of healing and gave me a good dose of progesterone that really snapped me out of it. It sure helps to meet others who can relate – to both the struggle – and also the big picture vision with eyes of faith. Many blessings
Thanks Ann. It is so nice to hear I am not alone because it can sure feel that way! Love your blog by the way.
Oh my, I can’t believe how much I relate to all of this. Except you’ve thought it through and expressed it so well. Thanks for saying what I feel and have felt. I so often feel “lost” as a SAHM and am still struggling to find my place.
Me too! It is so different to other stages of life it is hard to settle in isn’t it?
This was the exact article I needed today. I’ve been feeling like this for months and it helps so much that it’s NOT only me who feels like this. Thank you for your tips and for this article!
You are not alone, Heather!
I know this is an older story but I have been feeling the same for awhile. I recently had a talk with my husband about me getting alone time. I also bought a dish washer, I couldn’t keep up with them! I have three little’s 5 to 1.
Yes, the post is older but it’s still the same story over here 🙂 And I totally agree, sometimes you just need to get things that make life easier!
Thank you and thank GOD for you sharing this with us all. I have two below the age of 4 and I too was wondering if I was doing the right thing. GOD bless you.
Wanjiru, oh you are not alone, friend.
Thank you for being so honest. I really appreciated it. Its very encouraging because I have felt overwhelmed so much lately…and also the identity crisis..so me. I see an anxiety counsler and try to exercise outdoors to relieve stress. Also, once a week I try to ensure someone will give me an hour or two to myself.
Yes, be encouraged, Audra. You are not alone!
Let me tell you…your last two paragraphs are perfect in foresight. I have been a SAHM for 7 years, my oldest is 9, youngest 7. I have been where you ladies are with the little ones all day every day and now they are in school. It is just a season and though it seems long and laborious, the season does change. You are part of a history of mothers who have been through it and felt the same way throughout all of modern times. You will forget the hardness of it all and begin to only remember all the greatness. You will never regret the intimacy that comes from being with them all the time. Through the bad times, the hard times your children get to know you better than anyone ever could and they will admire you for sharing the real you with them and they will feel safe to trust you in a very unique, wonderfully rewarding way. I think about the 1000s of little ordinary moments we shared every day over the years and feel so good knowing I was there. We were together. We shared our lives in a way what no one who is not a SAHM could understand and I am so grateful. It was the most beautiful season after all. Now I have two wonderful school children and I can enjoy them more and life is smoother but sometime I find myself wishing for the days they needed me in that intensive, tear-your-hair-out care taking way and I can see how my days of care taking at all are quickly fading, (as it should be) but season change. I’m not going to say “enjoy it” because all sahm’s do that already to the extent that it is possible. I’m just compelled to share a glimpse into the future and a shared experience to offer hope for those moments when it feel like it will never end.
Mary, thank you so much for this. Your sentiments were so powerful and encouraging and exactly how I imagined I’d feel.
Wow! Thank you for the honesty. I felt like every line describes how I feel. You made me laugh and cry. Made my day. My girls are napping now almost 3 year old and a 7 month old. I will be a better mom after they wake up because your article made me feel so much better, not alone. Thank you!
Hi. my english is not very good but i´ll try to do my best. The feelings that you describe is exactly what i´m going trough since 4 years ago. I was a very independent, working, studying young woman, and suddenly i´m 24/7/365 locked in inside the house with a baby that cries and needs constant attention, alone, with no one else to talk to, having to clean up the house, cook, wash clothes and everything else and i thought i was going insane!!! i always hated all that kind of home-tasks. So it was prison to me. I tried to explain my husband, but he never understood me, he thought i didnt want to do my part, i suppose it was hard to him too, so i had to go trough it my way and the best i´d could, but i lose it frequently, (now my baby is almost 4 and i´m a little more calm down) and the worst is the guilt. I feel the worst mom ever in the world most of the time. No other work has made feel as frustrated as i feel as mother. I try to forgive myself, try to get better and go on. We want to have a second baby now but i´m sooooooooooo afraid…!!! Thanks for make me feel that it doesnt happen just to me.
Thank you so much for putting into words what so many SAHM’s feel. I’m in one of those moments where I feel like I’ve achieved nothing of myself yet and have met my potential of being a nanny/maid to my husband and daughter.
However reading your post reminded me how it won’t be like this forever and God has Infact blessed us with this opportunity that many working mothers which they could afford.
Yes, it too will pass!
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences. I’ve read a few other blog posts about the difficulties of losing yourself as a stay-at-home-mom, but I’ve never been able to relate to an article like I could with yours. My husband is also in school and we just recently went from house hunting in an area I know and love, have social contacts, hobbies, etc.. to now living in an apartment in a new city where I know no one. We have a student budget and it’s winter. There is so little I can do to get out and recharge. I feel like Im the only one around me who cares about MY dreams and MY goals. My brain has turned to mush and sometimes I feel resentful to my husband for persuing his educational and career goals. Yet, I found much comfort in the last few paragraphs of your post, so thank you!
Courtney, I am SO GLAD it resonated with you and I hope you find a good circle soon.
This post was soon timely and relevant to how I’m feeling at the moment! I don’t want to regret this time but i feel useless to the world knowing i didn’t use my gifts as much when i didn’t have a baby is playing on my mind. Now that i feel free (from my old church that was very controlling) I want to do everything but can’t because I’m a mom who has most of the responsibility. But this helped a lot!. God bless you
Helena, we all want to have “done better” because we want to be great moms, but we are not perfect! Bless you, sister
Thank you for writing such a loving and honest reflection of how you feel. I too suffer with anxiety, a sense of loss of self, tears when looking at the state of the kitchen and the need to be alone. My little boy is two and a half nearly and the first two years have been hard with sleep deprivation, postnatal anxiety, moving house away from family and I think early menopause. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone as I often see so many women making it look so easy and I wonder what’s wrong with me. I am a people pleaser and sometimes it’s hard to know how your are doing with toddlers as they are so changable! But it’s getting easier now we can play actual games and have conversations. Anyway, the next time I feel overwhelmed by the dishes, the floor and the temper tantrums I will think of you and everyone else who left a comment. Xx
Rachel, you are certainly not alone even though it can feel that way. When the kids are young life is SO MUCH. Thinking of you today!
I am a Christ-loving, SAHM of two girls ages 3 and 14 months and I have been going through my own “identity crisis” as of late. I too feel weary of doing the same things day after day, and feeling like I have no time to even think straight, let alone pursue hobbies or keep my house clean. I really enjoyed this: “I chose to stay home. I choose it again today. I will choose it next year and the year after. It is my desire. But just because it is my desire doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.” I wouldn’t change the reality of being home because I treasure this gift of time with my girls, but the days are still hard and long most of the time.
Kathy, bless you friend you are not alone. Something can be what we want and still hard to go through. This is life, isn’t it? Bless you!
This is exactly how I feel. I have 4 kids in 4 years no multiples also and I feel like I’m always busy and just don’t feel like me. I had dreams as a kid. Being a stay at home mom has and always will be one of them. Something else that has helped me a bit with my identity crisis. Yes you can decided maybe you should go back and work or something but no one can take care of your kids like you can. I don’t think I’m perfect but I always remind myself no one can be me and my kids need me. Thank you this post does help a lot as well. I’m sure I will still struggle a lot but this helps
Tara, yes I agree no one can take care of them like I want to. Glad you can resonate 🙂
Hallelujah! I’m not alone! I’m so pleased to have stumbled across your blog after typing in “stay at home mum feeling lost”…you summed up how I feel quite well. I’m a New Zealander now living in the USA and have two baby boys at home with me….thank you for being so raw and real to depict how we can feel as mums. It’s a journey! I look forward to more of your blogs. Thanks again Rachael!
Joanna, YOU ARE NOT ALONE 🙂
I came across this post and it made me tear up bc of your ability to say what is so constantly in my head.
I had terrible postpartum anxiety after I had my daughter and had to stop working. I “planned” on being the career woman and super Mom, but I feel so lost and useless some days.
I know they say “the days are long but the years are short”, but it’s hard to realize that when you’re in the thick of it sometimes.
Thanks for your words and validating my feelings.
Bless you, Lora!
Hi! Thank you so much for your articles! I came across your website because I’m pregnant with my third child and finding that my husband is seemingly clueless of the demands of my job as a SAHM. He helps when he can, but maybe more because he wants to be a hero than that he actually sees it as a necessity or even a deserved break for me. Anyway, I appreciate the insight you provide and will be bookmarking your page!
I also could specifically sympathize with your piece about wanting to be a leader and a boss of more than just your children. I have actually found fulfillment in that area of my life recently with a microfranchise of a skincare company. Since our company recently launched in Australia, I would be happy to share some info on it to see if it could be a benefit to you as well. It’s been an answer to a prayer I hadn’t even vocalized and such a blessing to my family.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
I could have written this almost word for word. I have one young toddler, and I can’t believe how it’s so much NOT what I expected as he’s growing as a toddler. I’m so overwhelmed but also somehow so beyond BORED. Leaves me feeling so empty and, yes, in an identity crisis for sure. I’ve been feeling this way for about 3 months now as Boy is at an age where he’s too big or too small for just about everything.
THANK YOU! This was encouraging, especially to know I’m not alone.
My feelings exactly. We are currently in Melbourne (kind of on holiday, my husband is here for 3 months training so we’re visiting) and there is a lot to do here, but a lot my daughter can’t, who’s 2.5. She is too big or too small for most things. And she’s grown like a weed, emotionally and physically. So when she has a screaming fit in a hotel room, it’s embarrassing and you feel the world judging you. I am a trained secondary teacher and I often feel bored being a stay at home mom. It’s like being in a boat in the open water during a storm, trying to stay afloat, bailing water and knowing the weather will subside, but it will come back again, and sometimes worse.
I came across this after googling “im a stay at home mom who feels unappreciated”. And your blog popped up….almost everything you said has put into words how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been feeling especially down because my 2.5 yo is going through some crazy tantrum phase (trouble with authority) and it’s hard to handle…I can’t console her and it’s as if she’s angry with me all the time and I never do anything right. Also making her and me crazy is that we’re also in transition. My husband is in a 3 month sim & ground school course for an airline he started with and we will be based in Auckland (he is Kiwi and he is currently in Melbourne completing his training). So my daughter and I are staying with his dad in NZ because Auckland is crazy expensive and my husband doesn’t get paid for his training time (which is ridiculous, also the company gives no compensation for moving to Auckland, most airlines are like this nowadays). So financially it’s also a strain because we don’t want to eat up all of our savings, and we’ll be close to it by the time we get to Auckland. I had always known I would be a teacher, I actually got pregnant during my post grad studies and have since not actually commenced work in the field I am trained in. This is in part because I chose to stay home, but also we have moved 7 times (in 4 different states two different countries) since she was born, pursuing my husband’s flying career. So like you I imagined myself in a career role, dropping my child off at daycare and going to work doing important things with my day. Instead I am doing battle with a child whose tantrums are becoming increasingly difficult on me because I feel like I have little control over our situation at present. She has been moved around several times, from comfort zone to comfort zone and now we are living apart from her father due to his training and with his father (who has an ego that needs fluffing on a regular basis…he exasperates my emotional state in fact). So at the end of it all…I feel that I am constantly undervalued. I feel like I can’t talk to my husband, I do but don’t bring it up frequently how emotionally exhausted I am because he needs to focus on his work and not be stressed. I’ve also suffered a miscarriage recently and lost a very dear friend to cancer. On top of it all I am an American expat, so far away from my parents and relatives and although staying with my parents would be most ideal, it is expensive to fly two of us to them, plus buy travel insurance (you know the whole medical thing in the US). I will need to move up to Auckland practically on my own because I know my husband will not have time…we live in the Deep South…so it’s two full days of driving plus an inter island fairy crossing….with a two year old. On top of this having no support from his father who feels we need to do everything on our own (I’m not speaking financially either). So as I write this it is clear my stresses manifest through my daughters emotions too…which brings out more maternal guilt…which is impossible to escape. No one ever told me how difficult it is being a mother, I mean they did, but I didn’t actually listen. Anyways I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am not religious and don’t really get into scriptures, but have read the Bible ( I am a History teacher) and appreciate and understand it’s meaning and impact on people it’s had both present and past…so I don’t choose to attend churches or join church groups to find support. I guess I am like you and apparently so are a lot of other women who struggle with identity crisis that is exacerbated by their surroundings. I find myself in a single mothers shoes while still being married. I find myself struggling financially while I have a professional education, and am married to an airline pilot (a profession everyone thinks makes loads of money, but lack to understand that the initial investment is huge financially and emotionally and takes a while to recover from). I find myself feeling guilty because I have not earned a paycheck for three years. I feel guilty because I know this is ok with my husband…he prefers I stay at home when our children are young, but also respects and encourages that I want to pursue my career. So I feel guilty for feeling guilty. What are you gonna do?
This article moved me to tears. I have a 21 month old and 4 year old and been sahm for 4 years. I feel exactly the same! Some days are amazing, other days i am completely lost. I know that i am lucky to have kids and be married when so many women would beg to be in my position but it’s really tough too. I have no career or sense of identity outside the house. I find myself dreaming of the day i can go to work, but at the same time i chose this and also wouldn’t change it for anything just yet. It is definitely my calling to take care of my kids while they are little but I too was highly ambitious and academic etc. before kids so it’s hard as well. I hope like you all say, it is just a season and once the kids are in school things will feel different all around.
This was just what I needed. Thank you!