Attitudes

How To Help Your Child Manage Their Introvert or Extrovert Tendencies

There are two main types of personalities, introverts and extroverts. It’s important that you know which one your child is so you can help them cope.

It was a few Christmases ago at our Progressive Dinner.

When my friend arrived she asked if there was a quiet place her 8 year old daughter could go to just relax and be alone.

The girl said she just couldn’t cope with the crowds and needed some rest time since her weekend had already been so busy. I let her have some calm down time in my bedroom where she wouldn’t be disturbed.

I thought about it for days afterwards.

How emotionally mature is an 8-year-old who realizes their need to be alone after a busy few days?

How many adults don’t even make that connection? My friend said she knew that her daughter was an introvert and needed that time to herself to recharge and recoop and that they had often talked about these things.

After that day I determined I’d do the same with my kids, no matter which way their personality leaned.

Is your child an Introvert or Extrovert?

Introvert: A person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

How to care for an introvert:

Respect their need for privacy
Never embarrass them in public
Let them observe first in new situations
Give them time to think before answering
Allow them Quiet Time each day
Allow them advanced notice of change
Give them 15 minute warning so they can finish what they’re working on
Reprimand them privately
Teach them new skills privately
Enable them to find one best friend, don’t push friendships
Don’t try to change them into extroverts

Extrovert: A person who is energized by being with other people.

How to care for an extrovert:

Respect their independence
Compliment them in the company of others
Accept and encourage their enthusiasm
Allow them to explore and talk things out
Thoughtfully surprise them
Understand when they are busy
Let them dive right in
Offer them options
Make physical and verbal gestures of affection
Let them shine

Here are some ways we can begin to help our children cope with the way they were made so they are always full of energy and life and able to prevent burnout:

1. Help them determine their introvert or tendencies.

This may be easier said than done…

When our children are super young it’ll be hard to tell. Of course later, when you know for sure their persuasion, you’ll probably be able to say that you could see those tendencies even from a young age.

As they get older you can ask them questions to help determine their introvert or extrovert tendencies.

This will be helpful because knowing about this part of them will help you understand their reactions, meltdowns and opinions on a great many things that come up in life.

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How to train your children to manage their introvert/extrovert tendencies

2. Teach them how this personality affects their mood.

Once your child has pinpointed if they are an introvert or an extrovert, help them understand what this means on a day-to-day basis.

If they understand that their reactions are normal, okay and just part of who they are they will feel more secure and confident.

For example. one sibling might feel wrong because they don’t love the spotlight like another of their siblings. This will put things in perspective.

I’m an only child so I’m used to being alone. Plus I like to be alone. I will never forget the week I truly realized just how introverted I am. You see, I was staying with my husband’s family of 5 (then my fiancée) at a cottage in Scotland.

I naturally kept moving to rooms no one was in so that I could be alone.

Then, one person would come in, then another, and after a while the room was full. I’d move to another room and it’d happen again. I laughed when I finally realized what was happening. It wasn’t that I was trying to get away from them, it was just my personality.

It wasn’t even that they were trying to be near me. They were just used to being around others without feeling the need to talk or engage. They were relaxed.

I was completely not relaxed because I felt that if someone was there, that I needed to talk. The introvert in me feels that being around others means that I’m “on” which is why its hard for me to relax.

This is why it’s so important that I process and recharge.

3. Force the time.

Let me explain. At first, enforce the time, whether alone or with others. This will illustrate the concept.

Knowing if your child is an introvert or extrovert is just the first step. Be sure to use this knowledge to help them navigate socially.

If your child is an extrovert and you spend most of your days at home, begin to branch out and give him or her opportunities to be with others. Or, if your child is an introvert and has been very busy of late, don’t feel bad letting them stay at home.

Read: Kids At Church Are Mean? Here’s How To Help Your Kids Cope!

I believe my 2-year-old is an introvert…

The other day I told her she seemed like she needed a break. She actually stopped her challenging behavior, asked to go into her room alone, and then sat there singing for ten minutes.

She wanted to be away from everyone and alone, the poor little thing. That is why Independent Play is so important for her.

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4. Communicate with them in a way that increases their self-awareness.

Maybe it’s because I’m an only child or maybe it’s because of my introverted tendencies, but I am extremely self-aware.

During my masters I had to take multiple personality tests (multiple tests not tests to see if I had multiple personality… although some days I think I do) and I absolutely loved them.

What a weirdo, I know. I loved getting the results and seeing that they fit me to a tee. If we learn to ask our children the right questions, we can help them know themselves better.

Self-awareness is a sign of maturity and really makes life easier. If you don’t know what you want then you are not likely to get it.

Ask your children questions like:

“Do you prefer to be in large groups or with one or two friends?”
“When you are tired, do want to be alone to rest or do you want to play with your friends?”
Do you feel happy with a lot of people?
How do you feel when you are alone reading a book?

When your children express some sentiment you can begin to help them unravel it and explain to them what’s happening.

Ask lots of questions that begin with, “How does this or that make you feel?” Link together cause and effect for them. This works even at a young age.

There’s Power in Knowing…

To this day I am so impressed my friend’s daughter was actually willing to forego playing with all of the other kids to have some time to herself.

The other kids were screaming and yelling and playing and she sat happy as can be in my bedroom, alone, playing minesweeper.

She knew what she needed to feel together again and it gave her enough self-confidence and security to not worry about what others were doing.

She didn’t worry about missing out.

And you know what? At the next house on the progressive dinner she was able to play with the other kids. It wasn’t self-imposed grounding, she was just doing what she needed to do to feel at peace. We could all learn a lesson.

Why Discipline Is Harder for You Than It Is For Your Child

It’s true. It hurts you a lot worse than it hurts them. Inside you’ll read why discipline is harder on you than your child.

My son, even at 24-months-old, was a natural envelope pusher.

He knew he was not supposed to touch my phone so, instead, he’d go stand by it and hover. He’d put his hand over it, give a little laugh, then look me in the eyes and raise his eyebrows as if to ask, “Will you let me this time?”

In kind, I’ll raise my own eyebrows and then shake my head to say no. Because, see, I’ve learned my lesson with him.

We had a toilet he once fed a computer mouse, a baby monitor, and a cell phone. So, you see, I am never off duty with him.

The truth of the matter is this…

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Discipline with Dignity

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Disciplining our children is much harder for us than it is on them.

And I’m not talking about spanking. I’m talking about disciplining.

The term “discipline” comes from the Latin word “disciplinare” which means “to teach.“

Here’s why it’s harder on us than it is on them…

Because honestly… kids like rules.

1. It requires self-discipline from us.

I think being a mom is like being a professional athlete.

Except no Nike gear. No endorsements. And without tens of thousands of screaming fans. Wait, there is a lot of screaming so my comparison stands.

Athletes don’t train only when they feel like it. Can a coach who doesn’t hold practices, study the game or call any plays expect good things from their team?

Of course not…

Parenting is similar. Parents have to be consistent, use both their instincts and a good plan, and create an environment where children know what to expect.

When children know what to expect and what consequences will occur if they don’t, they rise to meet those expectations.

2. Discipline is unrelenting.

Let’s be honest here…

Consistency can be super annoying. Yes, I’m not afraid to say it.

It takes real effort to back up your word the 440th time that day your child is climbing up the bookcase. We teach children with our actions primarily and our words last.

We must rest assured of one thing. The mothering gig, particularly when children are small and still learning, is a 24/7 job.

If we ignore our children’s bad behavior 45 times, then correct the 46th time, we are teaching them to ignore us.

They don’t understand time. Kid’s aren’t in a hurry. They will settle in for the long haul if it gets them what they want.

Not that they think, “Go suck a lollipop, mom, I’m going to ignore you,” but they come to learn that nothing happens if they don’t respond.

So… the threat of nothing consistent happening is not enough to stop them from doing something they think is fun. (Like emptying your wallet and hiding your cards throughout the house.)

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3. It means you have to watch your mouth.

“If you don’t stop that, we’ll go home.” (except you’re three states away on vacation)

“If you don’t hurry up, I’ll leave you here.” (but that’s against the law)

“Fine, don’t eat dinner. Or breakfast. Or lunch. Just starve to death why don’t you!” (also against the law)

Here are some hard truths:

Empty threats and broken promises do a lot more damage than saying nothing.
It feels easier to throw out a big warning than engage in day to day consistent training.
It’s harder to enact a consequence at times because – really – you just want them to do what they’re told.
It’s easier to threaten and scare, but it’s short sighted. And anyway, it doesn’t work.

4. We gotta be more mature than our kids.

I’m an only child therefore an old soul…

According to birth order anyway. And yet, sometimes I react in immature ways. I don’t know how many times the kids have just sorta looked at me with their head sideways until one of them said, “Are you okay, mommy?“

Being a mom means we can’t just run away because we are in a bad mood. You know, we can’t take all our anger out on them. Also, we must rise above our desire to sleep until 11 and watch Netflix all day.

We have to make sure they eat every day even if we’re not hungry and don’t feel like cooking.

We have to be grown-ups, plain and simple.

“Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials.” M.S.

It’s hard to spend the extra time teaching our children why,
follow through on our word,
and put their needs above our wants.

But it gets easier when we see them look to us for approval. They look to us to know what to do.

Truthfully, They want to please us. They want to do the right thing (ahem, mostly).

Also…they want to know that we are trustworthy, consistent, and fairly predictable. Why? Because discipline brings them security.

Discipline is a hard thing to invest in. But pretty soon, it starts paying for itself.

Got A Disobedient Child? Start With These 4 Things…

This is some encouraging information to help you if you’ve decided you have a disobedient child you’re struggling with. Post contains affiliate links.

A few months ago I started to finally admit to myself something that had been happening in our home…

One of my sons seemed like a bully.

He was frequently mean and angry. He lashed out when he got upset. Which, with 4 siblings, was quite often.

As a mother who wants to raise kids who love each other, I was internally freaking out. I did the following things that – spoiler alert – didn’t change anything.

I got more strict with the behaviors
And, I corrected more frequently
Then, I got angrier and angrier every time a new infraction occurred
I started seeing him as the Bully and the other kids as Victims

Then I took a step back…

The best prayer I’ve prayed as a mother has been this…

“God, please send the right help and resources at the right time for each of my children and myself.”

As it happened, my parenting mentor had some new – effective – strategies for me to work on.

They worked.

And now, this child hasn’t displayed a “bully” behavior in a long time. Instead of being antagonistic, he’s friendly and helpful. In the place of crying and whining a lot, he’s calm and peaceful.

Instead of worrying myself to sleep at night, I’m seeing his bright face that is smiling more than it has in a good long while.

So, if you feel like you’ve got a Disobedient Child… and you’re stressed and he’s stressed… I hope these strategies work for you.

Read: Siblings Fighting? 6 Simple Ways To Stop The Drama

Start Here If You Think You’ve Got A Disobedient Child

If your child doesn’t listen well occasionally then you are probably not too concerned. That’s normal, right?

But if you feel your child is chronically “disobedient” and going against your wishes or family rules, then the following will go a long way in helping pave the way for change.

Read: A No-Drama Approach To Your Child’s Behavior Problems

Get On Your Child’s Team

If you’ve gotten to the point where you feel your child is disobedient, naughty, or whatever else you call it in your home… then you’ve probably (without knowing it) left their side.

Instead of being on your child’s side to help him become who God made him, it has become you against your child’s behavior. Which, to your child, translates into you against him.

Is this ringing a bell?

The first and most important thing you can do is to get on their side. Really get on their side. This means deciding that your relationship is more important than one of their choices. It means seeing this parent/child relationship as something alive and tender that will last throughout both of your lives.

It means protecting the relationship, dropping unnecessary parenting rules, and getting into your child’s mind to see what’s going on.

Children want to please their parents. They want love and affection and attention from parents. If your child is consistently acting in a way that is causing friction between you two then there’s something deeper going on.

Now’s not the time to get more strict, it’s time to do the following…

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

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Start Investigating, Stop Assuming

If your little one – who wants nothing more in the world than to be pleasing to you – stops trying to please you, then there’s an underlying issue.

And if you’ve gotten to the point where you think your child is Disobedient, The End… you get into a cycle. The child feels labeled and knows his every move is being watched.

Then every move and every mistake is magnified until the pressure is overwhelming to your child. They feel ashamed, hopeless, and angry that they can’t please you. And this turns into anger at you.

The solution?

Become a detective.

If your child repeatedly ignores your instruction then something else is going on. I’ve learned from my parenting coach at Language of Listening® that children will continue to communicate until they are heard. Your child’s repetitive behavior (particularly if it’s against the family rules) is a communication. Are they trying to tell you something?

Here are some things your child could be communicating:

It’s possible that they are feeling powerless (This may help)
They feel disconnected from you, miss you, or want more time with you (here’s how to find more time)
Maybe they are struggling with a particular area they aren’t able to articulate (e.g. making friends at school, dealing with sibling issues, jealous of new baby, anxious that daddy’s gone a lot, etc.)
They can’t actually live up to your standards (maybe your rules are dumb or they’re not developmentally able to comply with all your expectations)
Or they are tired and not getting enough sleep (all you need to know about sleep)

There are many things, but the good news is this… your child wants you to understand them.

Start Special Playtimes Stat

One of the first things I would initiate (and have myself initiated) with a child who is struggling emotionally or with chronic refusal to comply with your rules is Special Playtime.

This is something like play therapy, also called filial therapy.

I learned about this in the book The Parent Survival Guide: From Chaos To Harmony In 10 Weeks Or Less.

Essentially, you are going to have a 30 minute session once a week (and once a week only) with your child for 8 or so weeks at a time. You’ll have certain toys in a box only brought out at Special Playtime. You’ll let them take charge during that time, noting patterns in their play. You will be flabbergasted at what you see.

Why does this work?

Because children will communicate what’s going on inside them through their play.

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Loving Authority

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Evaluate Your Fears

What we are fearful of starts to control our every move.

This is true in life and in parenting.

If you’re worried your child is disobedient and has weak character then you’ll notice every single thing that seems to confirm that fact.

Pretty soon you’re getting them in trouble left and right trying to make sure they understand they can’t be naughty and that life will go badly for them. You don’t want them to end up in jail and, well, you’re basically convinced they have no hope for the future.

THAT is how fear takes hold, niggles into our brains, and changes the way we parent.

The solution?

Figure out what you’re scared of and follow that train of thought.

Example #1

My child complains about chores and cleaning up. I am worried he’s going to grow up lazy, but I really want him to know the value of hard work. Because I’m scared he’s got a lazy streak, I point out any time I notice a behavior I think is lazy. And I can tell this causes a rupture in our relationship, but it’s really hard for me to stop.

Instead, I can notice when he takes responsibility, encourage the positive behaviors, and structure the day’s activities so he must first do the chores/work before he can do the fun stuff. This will motivate him without me having to lecture.

Example #2

My child hits his brother when they get riled up. I am worried they’ll never get along and that he’s just a mean kind of kid. Because I’m concerned he’s becoming a bully, I put him in time out every time I see him being mean. At the same time , doing this makes me nervous because I can’t always tell who started it, him or his brother.

Instead, I can point out when he displays kind behaviors (these cards will help you do that systematically) and teach him how to express his emotions without hitting. Then I can listen to his concerns and feelings about his brother without freaking out.

I can do Special Playtimes with him to let him work through his feelings. And I can stop treating him like the bully I’m worried he’s becoming. This will help him see that these feelings are normal, that I do not think he is a “bad kid” and that he can control himself.

To Sum It Up…

If you are generally a consistent parent who has reasonable rules and shows love and attention to your child, yet they are on a disobedient streak… relationship is the first place to look.

→ Sometimes children are struggling with a thought or feeling, and they need your help to process it.

→ It’s possible that the child is struggling to communicate something, and they need you to dig deep.

→ And sometimes children are discouraged because of constant correction, and they need you to fill their love tank up.

Sources:

The Biggest Problem With Yelling Isn’t How It Makes Your Child Feel

Inside you’ll learn one of the biggest reasons that the yelling problem doesn’t make your children more obedient. If you struggle with yelling at your kids, you won’t want to miss this.

“You are so mean!!!!” my 5 year old screamed running down the hall to the bedroom and slamming the door.

I stood there shocked for a few moments, then decided I needed to have a chat with this child. I walked to the bedroom and tried to open the door.

It was locked.

My own blood was boiling at this point because this whole incident got started when this child broke a rule. A rule they’d been reminded about multiple times only an hour before.

“Let me in, baby, we need to talk.” I said as calmly as I could.

“NO! I don’t want to talk!” this child screamed. Now, we may have a yelling problem…

At this point all my alarm bells were ringing because physiologically mothers can’t stand screaming. I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and with an even voice asked to come in.

My child let me in and the power struggle began.

How it All Started

“It’s not fair! I want to go swimming with everyone else,” this child said.

I answered, “But you repeatedly did the exact thing I told you not to do so you lose your swimming privileges.”

girl looking out her window in the rain because of a yelling problem

My offspring responded in a voice that was half-cry and half-yell, “That is mean. You hate me. You don’t love me as much as you love everyone else. This isn’t fair.”

By this point I was annoyed. It was nearing dinner time and I needed to prepare dinner while supervising the other children who were in the pool and this attitude and defiance was getting on my last nerve.

Flipping out…

I sort of flipped and said – in a voice that was more yelling than talking… I knew I shouldn’t be yelling, but it happened…

“You acted naughty and now you have to live with the consequences. You better stop yelling at me right now and start thinking about what you did since THAT’S the reason you are in your room, child.”

As I walked back down the hall I heard a door slam. Then some kicking. And some yelling. And a few “it’s not fairs” and one or two “nobody loves me’s.“

Boundaries & Behavior

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Discipline with Dignity

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boy sitting at table is sad because of a yelling problem

The Reason We Yell

This is a scenario that is often played out.

Child does something they shouldn’t (possibly many many times) < Parent gets mad and yells < Child reacts strongly to being yelled at < Parent feels guilt for yelling and apologizes < Child continues to do that thing they shouldn’t.

We know we shouldn’t yell.

It’s not a healthy reaction.

We know we don’t want to fracture the parent/child relationship.

Yet sometimes… we’re at the end of our rope. Our child can continue to display negative, dangerous, or outright rude behavior and it causes us stress.

Our blood pressure and heart rate rise and it’s hard not to slip into angry mom mode.

We just want our children to do the things they are supposed to do and not do the things they aren’t supposed to do.

Here’s What Yelling Really Does

It’s not just that yelling isn’t nice…. we know it isn’t. And, it’s not that kids feel bad when we yell.. we know they do.

The issue is this… yelling turns the focus on us instead of on our children’s choices.

When we yell at our children for their misbehavior, we’re putting the spotlight on us instead of on the behavior that made us yell in the first place.

Then, because parental anger is threatening to children, they further act out in insecurity.

“When we feel threatened or in danger, our brains tell us, ‘This is unsafe! Get ready to fight, or get ready to run away!’

When we deliver consequences with anger, children’s brains go into ‘survival’ mode rather than ‘learning’ mode. They think more about escaping, or possibly getting revenge, than about how to make smarter choices in the future. In survival mode, we cannot learn.” Love and Logic®

A yelling problem causes a shift…

When children act disobedient they usually feel kinda bad. Then if mom comes storming in and yells, guess what?

They mood altar by turning their frustration on us.

They don’t think about what got them in trouble in the first place, they think about how we are mean, uncaring, and insensitive. And, if we’re a big barrel of screams, they are right!

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If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

Boundaries aren’t harsh or selfish. They protect your energy, peace, and sanity so you can show up as the mom you want to be. This workshop helps you figure out where you need them, set them with confidence, and stick to them without guilt or burnout. Because when you hold your limits, everyone benefits.

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What Causes Children To Think About Their Choices?

We know yelling won’t help children think about their choices. So what does?

Empathy with kind yet firm limits.

We can still be empathetic when our child breaks a family rule and must endure the consequence. In fact, this is pretty easy.

We know what it’s like to live with our choices, even the bad ones. It’s okay to give your child a consequence while still saying, “I know this is hard, honey, it’s not fun to miss out on something.”

In fact, the best way to get your child to focus on their own choices is to express sincere empathy then let them feel their feelings.

The reality is this: kids don’t always need us to make them feel better.

“Every time we use empathy, our kids’ reasoning brains turn on. Every time we deliver threats or anger, their reasoning brains turn off. Empathy opens the mind to learning.” Love and Logic®

How do we show empathy without a yelling probem?

If your child misbehaves, don’t immediately jump in to give a consequence. Take a minute to think before reacting. We are allowed to be angry, but we shouldn’t discipline in anger.
Approach your child with empathy, knowing the consequence you are going to give. “I’m so sorry you chose to hit your brother with that truck, now you can’t play with it. That’s sad isn’t it, buddy?” then you remove the truck. (Or insert your consequence here, acknowledging their genuine emotions as you do so).
Do not engage in a power battle. Maybe your child must stay in their room until they calm down or you stay in yours as well. If you were there arguing and yelling, they would not be thinking about their choice they would be thinking about you. If you are calm and collected they have nothing to think about except why they are in this situation and how to avoid it next time.

frustrated mom in baby's room because of a yelling problem

The next time this happened…

After learning this helpful tidbit about why yelling actually backfires on us, (and understanding a yelling problem). I felt a surge of empowerment.

I felt equipped to hold my temper for two reasons:

Scaring the kids doesn’t work.
I want them to make good choices, not blame me for their bad ones.

Luckily, I was able to test this out nearly immediately.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Weary To Well

This 10-day reset will help you uncover what’s wearing you down (spoiler: it’s not just lack of sleep), set boundaries without guilt, and finally create space to breathe again. Because burnout isn’t your personality—it’s a signal things need to change.

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My child – the one who lost swimming privileges – did the exact same thing that was forbidden. Twice. This child did it two times even with reminders from yours truly. But on this occasion I decided to show empathy, not lose my temper.

“Oh honey, I am so sorry. This means you won’t get to swim this afternoon. I know you love swimming so this will be really hard for you.”

There was some crying, some begging, and then – surprisingly – it evaporated. Instead of yelling at me or calling me a bad mom… the child acknowledged the wrong behavior. The child approached me in tears for a hug. We cuddled and acknowledged it’s hard when things don’t go our way.

“I think I’ll make better choices tomorrow,” my baby said.

Our children don’t learn to make good decisions because we yell.

They’ll learn to make good decisions because they want to avoid negative consequences and experience positive ones.

How To Get Your Kids To Mind Without Lectures & Yelling

If you are struggling with disobedience, defiance, or children who don’t listen to what you say, here’s how to get your kids to mind without the fuss.

Do you find yourself talking… and lecturing… and repeating yourself over and over?

Then ordering, getting ticked off, and finally yelling?

And still…your precious angels stare at you in confusion, disobedience, or even defiance?

All in all, you want to get your kids to mind without lecturing, cajoling, or threatening.

While this seems like it should be easy, it’s often a challenge that requires our consistency and attention.

mother showing child how to fold clothes and do laundry

Getting Your Kids to Mind by Setting Them Up to Suceed

There’s a difference between telling a child a rule and setting them up for success to follow it.

photo about teaching childrent o follow rules

There will be times when you must explain or discuss a situation, but one must think of “lecturing or yelling” as a sign you are desperate to convince our kids to do what we want.

The truth is, lecturing and yelling at our kids doesn’t fix the problem… we just end up frustrated.

This is especially true when the time comes that our children understand rules, but disobey just the same!

With smaller children we should err on the side of more instruction and less discipline.

Let them wiggle out of chores? No way!

But avoid lecturing and losing your temper before you know they fully understand the rules. 1-year-olds will throw temper tantrums, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong.

mother at table showing daughters how to dry without lecturing

Steps to Getting Your Kids to Mind

1. Explain instructions, concepts and principles in times of non-conflict

If you begin to see opportunities throughout your day to explain why you do what you do, you can call upon it during times of potential conflict.

The best time to train your child to do something is when it’s not needed. Or when you’re not in a hurry. The time to practice what they’ve learned is when it’s needed.

2. Demonstrate your instructions repeatedly

It takes a while to master a concept. People learn visually, verbally, and hands-on. For whatever skill or behavior you are training it’s important to demonstrate what you are after multiple times.

Give children a chance to become exposed to the skill or rule, comfortable with the process, and finally confident in their ability.

Expect for it to take a while for your children to pick up a skill. Don’t expect your children to easily understand a concept upon first hearing it.

I often gauge when my children are ready to do things on their own completely – when I’ve shown them enough times – by how soon they start saying “let me do it!”

Read: What to do over and over again to get your kids to mind

preschooler vacuuming in the living room

3. Help your kids start the task if they are hesitant

As adults we prefer to give instructions and watch them being carried out. Just. Like. That.

However, this is not often the case with small children, nor is it the case when we are introducing a more complex skill to older kids.

Tips to help kids start tasks…

Walk them to the area and point at what needs to be done
Direct them to the area and provide the necessary tools to complete the job
Demonstrate the skill again
Show your confidence in their abilities
Praise them for their work well done or efforts made
Give your instructions and help them get started

Read: How moms can “work themselves out of a job”

4. Say what you mean & mean what you say

One of the most underrated tools of parenting (in my humble opinion) is simply this: keep your word.

This won’t be possible 100% of the time, naturally, but if we are people who mean what we say and do what we promise children are far more likely to obey our requests and heed our warnings.

If your consequence is a loss of privilege, don’t be too afraid to make your children angry. If you’ve established house rules, keep them.

The more you get used to doing this the less willpower it will take. It’ll simply become a natural rhythm in your family.

Read: 30+ consequences for undesirable behavior

preschooler playing with a dinosaur on the table

5. Refer to your rules or instructions, don’t lecture

One definition of lecturing is “a long serious speech, especially one given as a scolding or reprimand.”

We tend to sit down after an incident when our children didn’t follow the rules and talk… talk… talk. This doesn’t really work.

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

The trouble with lecturing our kids is this: if you’re to the lecturing phase they’ve probably already shut down and stopped listening. Young children probably don’t even understand you.

There’s an easier way.

When a behavior arises that is not good, or the opportunity for them to learn something comes up, recall your teaching time. By asking your kids to recall information you’ve already shared you will help transfer that information from short-term to long-term memory.

6. Use statements instead of accusing

If you’ve tried to get your kids to mind, but they aren’t…try using statements instead.

Examples of good statements…

This toy usually goes…
Doing this is a no no because…
The last time I did that, I…
Our rule about hitting is…
You’re not allowed to do this because…
Another way to handle this would have been to…

Instead of spoon-feeding them everything you’ve already spent time teaching them, you can simply use statements to help bring home the point.

Toddlers know they shouldn’t hit their siblings. Kids know they shouldn’t lie. Teenagers know they shouldn’t sneak out of the house. Lecturing ad nauseam will not help them internalize the things they already know.

By getting them to participate in the discussion, you aren’t allowing them to close up, shut down and ignore you.

Read: Got a disobedient child? Start here

7. Learn to discern insecurity with stalling tactics.

I’ve gotten pretty good at discerning when my kids are stalling, and when they are simply hesitating due to uncertainty. When they are hesitating they usually remain by me (are not attempting to escape the situation) and seem a tad confused.

I’ve noticed that 75% of the time when my children balk, it’s hesitation not defiance. They want to be helpful and do things that need to be done. Most of the time they are too engrossed in what they’re doing to have properly heard me, or they simply need to be pushed in the right direction.

They will often get distracted, but this is simply another opportunity for us to teach them to get back on track.When you find yourself starting to lecture, stop.

Read: Bedtime Battles: Stalling, Resisting & Requests

Learn to Balance, Stay Consistent, and Give Consequences

You can either yell, lecture them for an hour and ground them… or simply give them a chance to comply, give them a consequence and move on with your day.

We’ve established that lecturing and nagging will not get your kids to mind.

Try to articulate your thoughts in one or two meaningful sentences, and then be sure to begin explaining that concept in times of non-conflict.

Follow through and keep your family rules.

And if your desire to lecture is in response to misbehavior, go write it in your journal.

That’ll get it out of your head!

5 Surefire Ways to Survive the “Tough Phases” With Little Kids

If you’re like me, the kids behavior can come and go and sometimes you get discouraged. Here are some ways to get through the tough phases until you’re in greener pastures.

Two weeks ago I just knew it.

I knew all 4 kids had been abducted by aliens and replaced with mean, irritable, fractious aliens.

They were screaming, fussing, whining, not sleeping well, and the home environment was a complete and utter nightmare. This went on for a few days until we decided to take them to the doctor.

There were no clear physical signs they weren’t well, but we were at the end of our ropes. Turns out…

One had a sinus infection.

Two had ear infections.

The other had a very sore throat and an ear infection.

So… there was that.

5 surefire ways to survive tough phases with preschoolers and toddlers

We haven’t beat the above problems, unfortunately, and we’re in a hard slog. The kids are irritable, disobedient, and unhappy because they are unwell.

The truth is, tough phases happen.

It makes sense.

However, those exact behaviors also make parenting a nightmare and pretty soon, I start becoming an angry mom. It’s sort of a bad cycle.

These phases come and go and the only thing about predictable about them is they usually pass as quickly as they come.

Maybe they are in a developmental stage where they’re seeking more independence. The difficult phase could be physical due to teething, illness or seasonal allergies.

Perhaps they are sorting through new emotions that come with starting preschool or dealing with changes in routine.

Often times, though, tough phases will come and go with little explanation. Often it’s just a mystery. I’ve learned to embrace the mystery, but I have to say, these hard times are not pleasant and I try to get out of them as fast as I can.

1. Speak to the deeper need

With most things in life, there are two things going on. What’s happening on the surface and what’s happening inside.

When something happens inside (emotions, physical pain, etc.) we manifest that on the outside. If we have a bad day, we get in a bad mood. If we hear great news, we start smiling and humming.

Children are no different.

When they begin to act fussy, disobedient, defiant or fractious, know it’s not likely a surface issue. We should try our best to deal with the surface behavior calmly, but speak to their heart.

Discipline negative behavior consistently, but pour extra love, time, and attention into their little spirits so that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are loved.

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Discipline with Dignity

Start Now

2. Be consistent

I had a friend tell me recently that when her daughter turned 3 she became very strong-willed and difficult. She said that entire year felt like a nightmare, but they were resolute in their consistency.

By the end of that year their daughter came out happy and well-behaved and less fractious.

When in doubt, stick it out.

Of course, there may come a time to determine if your methods of dealing with the situation are not effective. If so, you can try something new. But if you feel your consequences are appropriate and your kids are simply pushing the envelope, just keep going.

Note: You don’t need to be 100% consistent or perfect, but work towards consistency instead of irregularity.

3. Stay refreshed

This is the hardest one for overwhelmed moms, but it’s very effective. When times are tough at home and you have a perpetual teether or a strong-willed child, the days can feel very long. In fact, the longer these phases go on the less patient, understanding, and kind we can become.

Patience is a finite commodity, and the more it is tried the more it is used up.

Each of us must find a way to recharge and refresh consistently so we can remain in a good position to be the mothers we want to be.

This might be a day away, begging family to watch the kids, going away for the weekend alone, or just having a long bath as a nighttime routine. You’ll know what works for you, but you must learn to unwind well.

Read: 48 hour mommy vacay

4. Avoid excess change or busyness

If the kids are starting to act berserk and they are becoming less obedient and more fussy, I’d pare down your schedule. Children pick up on our stress and busyness and may become anxious and stressed if they are being carted from place to place endlessly.

My children often become all over the place when we have full weeks. Let’s face it, we can’t and shouldn’t stay home each and every day, but at the same time we may have to sacrifice some activities to give our children a more calm environment when they’re small.

Remember, even adults don’t like change. Imagine what it’s like for small children who are rarely the ones to initiate these changes.

Also, be sure you don’t sacrifice independent play time during these tough phases. Quiet/Rest Time is an excellent way to reset moods for small children, and helps them to find peace and quiet amidst a busy home with other siblings.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Parenting on the Same Page

You and your co-parent (spouse, ex, step, etc.) won’t always see eye to eye—but that doesn’t mean parenting has to feel like a constant battle. This workshop will help you communicate clearly, find common ground, and handle disagreements without drama, so you can focus on raising great kids instead of fighting over the details. Because parenting differences are normal, but constant conflict doesn’t have to be.

Start Now

Printable Routine Cards for Morning, Evening, and Bedtime Routines

5. Know it too will pass

We read it all the time, “this too shall pass.” It’s a bit cliché, and though I’m not one to find any encouragement in those “everything happens for a reason” phrases, I love this thought.

It will pass.

Night wakings will pass.

Teething will pass.

Tantrums will pass.

Potty training will pass.

If you’re kind, firm, consistent, and doing the best you can, then you’re doing the best you can.

Sometimes parenting is so easy you think you want 5 more children. Hey, having children close together really isn’t as hard as you think.

Sometimes it’s just Over The Top and you need a live-in nanny. I’ve come to think that most good things in life are not terribly easy. There will be great phases and we should savor them when they come.

Then hard times will come that make us appreciate the good times, and we need to learn from them and keep moving.

If you’re going through hell… keep going.

Attitudes

Is your child an Introvert or Extrovert?

How to care for an introvert:

How to care for an extrovert:

1. Help them determine their introvert or tendencies.

2. Teach them how this personality affects their mood.

3. Force the time.

I believe my 2-year-old is an introvert…

4. Communicate with them in a way that increases their self-awareness.

Ask your children questions like:

50+ Connection Questions

There’s Power in Knowing…

Family Rules Brainstorm SHEETS

Here’s why it’s harder on us than it is on them…

1. It requires self-discipline from us.

Family Rules Brainstorm SHEETS

2. Discipline is unrelenting.

3. It means you have to watch your mouth.

Here are some hard truths:

4. We gotta be more mature than our kids.

50+ Connection Questions

Then I took a step back…

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Start Here If You Think You’ve Got A Disobedient Child

Get On Your Child’s Team

Start Investigating, Stop Assuming

Here are some things your child could be communicating:

Start Special Playtimes Stat

Evaluate Your Fears

Figure out what you’re scared of and follow that train of thought.

To Sum It Up…

Family Rules Brainstorm SHEETS

How it All Started

Angry Mom CHECKLIST

Flipping out…

The Reason We Yell

Here’s What Yelling Really Does

A yelling problem causes a shift…

What Causes Children To Think About Their Choices?

How do we show empathy without a yelling probem?

The next time this happened…

Getting Your Kids to Mind by Setting Them Up to Suceed

Steps to Getting Your Kids to Mind

1. Explain instructions, concepts and principles in times of non-conflict

2. Demonstrate your instructions repeatedly

3. Help your kids start the task if they are hesitant

Tips to help kids start tasks…

101+ 15 Minute Projects

4. Say what you mean & mean what you say

5. Refer to your rules or instructions, don’t lecture

6. Use statements instead of accusing

Examples of good statements…

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

7. Learn to discern insecurity with stalling tactics.

Learn to Balance, Stay Consistent, and Give Consequences

It makes sense.

1. Speak to the deeper need

2. Be consistent

3. Stay refreshed

4. Avoid excess change or busyness

5. Know it too will pass