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Attitudes

Child Behavior Problems: A No-Drama Approach That Works

If you have some child behavior problems happening in your home this post will help you get on the road to having a more harmonious home.

A while ago, on a vacation in the Bahamas, I had a revelation…

Maybe it was the time away from my daily grind, maybe it was the sun and the sand, but whatever it was really got me thinking!

It became clear to me, like a ton of bricks… that one of my kids was having some serious behavior problems.

I’m (loosely) defining child behavior problems as:

  • Habitually refusing requests.
  • Resisting instructions.
  • Invitations to attend power battles regularly.

All in all, I was feeling as though one of my kids and I just weren’t meeting eye to eye.

The following is the no-drama approach that worked for me!

my daughter and I on the beach smiling about no drama steps to behavior problems

It is distressing when we have struggles!

I can’t begin sharing this list of things that worked without explaining this first…

I had to recognize and accept that my child had his own likes, dislikes, desires, wants, and emotions.

Total and immediate obedience was not on the table, and shouldn’t be, at this time.

Furthermore, striving to understand my child gave me the power to sit back and complete these 5 no-drama steps that worked! I hope you find them useful!

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

Step 1: Check the Connection, but Don’t Obsess

Connection is a need within families and healthy connections make for happy family members.

Your child desires to feel safe and nurtured and connected with you. This stands true for babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and on up.

Ways to Connect

  • Validate your child where they’re at.
  • Call out their strengths in a real and natural way.
  • Make eye contact.
  • Get down on their level.
  • Touch, hug, and cuddle (it’s good for their brains!).
  • Spend 1:1 time with them.
  • Pay attention to their likes and dislikes and wants.

Connection & Culture

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Rooted in Family

Family life shouldn’t feel like a blur of to-do lists that leave you wondering if the memories are even sticking. This workshop helps you define your family’s core values and create simple, meaningful traditions that bring everyone closer without adding pressure.
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mom and girl snuggle with no drama

Kids will be their own people, and we want them to be. They will have their own free wills, and we want them to!

The problem arrises when they don’t always want what we want. So, connection is key for peaceful and safe family relationships.

Read: A Simple Way To Connect With Your Toddler

Step 2: Understand the difference in power and authority

Child behavior problems often lie right here, mama….

Power (n): The ability to do something or act in a particular way

Authority (n): The power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience

Children have a need to feel power. As a mom, one of our main jobs is to teach them to access their God-given free will in a way that is appropriate and respectful.

And the truth is… this is good and fine and doesn’t mean they’re going to be hellions who ignore you.

The key is helping your child exercise their own power in ways that fit within your rules, family values, and boundaries. This means handing over decision-making power to them when you don’t need it, but still maintaining your own authority.

Here’s a good phrase you can use when your child offers you an alternative to your direction. If you are okay with their own idea, but still want to maintain your own authority, then use this phrase or one like it…

“That works for me.”

Give your child choices you are okay with, but maintain your authority. Language of Listening® calls this “permission-giving.“

Read: Why Your Child Is Really Acting Defiant

Step 3: Evaluate if your child is strong-willed or self-directed?

This may be a hard pill to swallow.

I know it was for me.

My fourth child was supposed to be our baby and then I got Surprise Pregnant when he was 9 months. For another 9 months I was nauseous, exhausted beyond belief, and lethargic.

The truth is, I didn’t do the same things with him I did with the other kids.

Add to that his mischievous and slightly flirty demeanor which I kinda like – and he got away with things the others never would have. When he turned 3 it all became clear…

He was strong-willed. Or so I thought.

Turns out what he was, was self-directed. My mentor from Language of Listening®helped me see that he was not, in fact, strong willed, but was self-directed from a few years without enough structure.

I had been more strict with the others and they were more cooperative. I had been strung out and knocked up with him during the important years and – well – we had Work To Do. 

Posts On How To Gain Cooperation

You see, I had to learn how to harness my child’s indipendence and help direct him towards obedience. Yes, this can be done!

Step 4: Evaluate the Rules, Dig Deep

With child behavior problems come a necessary talk about boundaries. Boundaries are something that are already inside us.

The things we are okay with and are not okay with are made into rules. 

girl playing on swing with no behavior problems

-You are not okay with hitting, you have a “no hitting” rule.

-You don’t like a mess so the rule is that after dinner everyone helps tidy up.

-Your husband likes to read the paper in the morning in peace, so there is a no talking at the breakfast table rule.

These will be different in every home.

If you find your child is not listening to you or doing what you ask him to do, think deeply about your rules.

Read: Quiet time (Rest time) for Toddlers: All You Need to Know

It may be time to ask yourself some questions…

  • Do you have too many rules?
  • Are you having a hard time enforcing the rules that matter?
  • Do all of your rules fit into the boundaries act you want?
  • Are you too busy half-enforcing rules that aren’t that important?

This analogy about walls and doors will help you to firm up your rules in your own mind. 

Read: Research Confirms: Too Many Rules Make For Angry And Stressed Parents

Step 5: Seek Your Child’s Strengths And Call Them Out

I have learned that it’s so important to call out your child’s strengths. 

If you are working on honesty with your child, notice the times they are honest and comment.

“I noticed you told the truth there when it would have been easier to lie. That shows you are honest and brave.”

Your child needs to know that you see the good in them. They know your rules and know when they break them. They can sense when we’re disappointed or exasperated and fed up.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

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Healthy Minds, Happy Homes

Taking care of your mental health shouldn’t feel like another chore. This workshop shows you how to build simple, sustainable routines that support your well-being and your kid’s emotional health—without the stress or overthinking.
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mom holding child in arms and smiling about having no child behavior problem

This is why it’s so important to call out their strengths. After all, we want them to see the potential that’s inside them.

Seeking and calling out your child’s strength is even more important if they have been particularly uncooperative. This will teach them to look for positive enforcement instead of trouble.

In short, our kids need to know that we believe in them!

In conclusion…

That child of mine who made me realize I’d been remiss in some of my parenting duties…we’re still working through it. 

But, I’m remembering when I get exasperated with my child’s behavior problems…

Our children are their own people. 

They have their own wants, desires, likes, and dislikes.

They’re having their own experiences, fears, and trials. 

And, our job as parents isn’t to create robots who respond immediately to everything we say, but to help raise children who want to make good choices on their own. 

Sources:

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When Your Little Kids Say Bad Words – Don’t Freak Out – Do This Instead

Inside: This is an excellent (and fun) tip to use with your kids if you catch your kids cursing. No one wants their child cussing so here’s what to do.

My husband and I were in the other room with the younger kids when we heard a commotion.

My 7 year old daughter yelled…

“Mom, he just said THE F WORD!!!!!!!!!!!”

We looked at each other in surprise… so our 6 year old son had learned the F word and used it on his big (kinda bossy) sister.

Well… that was a surprise.

little girl washing her mouth out in the sink

I didn’t need to ask where he’d learned the bad word

Kindergarten had taught him a few choice words. And the truth is, our kids are going to hear bad words and that’s life.

Even if we never say them.

You may play only Christian music in the car, but someone in the checkout line will curse. You choose “good friends” for your kids and they’ve learned “bad words” from their teenager neighbor.

And on and on.

The truth is, I knew they’d learn these words eventually, and I was prepared.

a mother freaking out because her little kid said a cuss / curse word

I knew my reaction to the bad words mattered

As I called my son over to get to the bottom of this, it was important I didn’t freak out.

Act shocked.

Make a huge deal out of it.

I knew that would give power to the bad words and then – when my son was frustrated at me – he might use these words to push my buttons.

So we called him in. We explained our family rules about using curse words. Basically, we don’t use these words ourselves and don’t want them used in our hearing.

We think there are other more age appropriate words that can be used to express whatever we want to say.

A person putting money into a swear jar as a consequence for kids when they say bad words

Then I broke out the Best Trick Ever

And what is the best “consequence” for using curse words?

➡️ Give them somewhere they CAN say what they want to say, but not to you or in your presence.

I said calmly to my darling potty mouthed son, without any signs of anger or frustration or shock….

We don’t want to hear these words. So if you feel the urge to say that word, that’s fine, you can go to the edge of the yard and say it out into the trees until you feel finished.

He just stared at me for a minute. He knew the word would not be okay with me, but he didn’t expect that.

Now, if you don’t live in the woods like me, you can save potty talk for the room with the potty.

“Saying what the child can do also avoids the pitfalls of Taboos. Taboos are guaranteed to challenge kids and focus their interest on the problem.”

Sandy Blackard, mentor of mine and creator of the bathroom trick, from her book SAY WHAT YOU SEE©

child at a table covering his mouth after having said bad words, family look for consequences for this

Send your child to the bathroom with their potty mouth

You can say something like….

“If you want to use that word you can do it in the bathroom with the door shut so the rest of us don’t hear it. You can come out when you’re done.”   

Then you let them have at it. If they come out and want to say the word again, send them back in until they get it all out.

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

They may go into the bathroom to say their bad words a time or two but, honestly, kids aren’t that interested in cussing if nobody is listening.

By sending them to the bathroom to get out their potty talk, you’re not giving power to the bad words. Children have an innate desire for power (we all do) and we as parents can’t control what comes out of their mouths.

If we push hard on this, we’re likely to get into a power battle over ugly words. And this could escalate into some nasty conversations as the kids get older.

Instead… state your boundary, don’t act like the kids are going to end up in a gang because they said the S-h word, and send them to the bathroom to let it all out.

little kid holding his arms up

Back to when my son yelled the F word to his sister…

So I tell my very analytical, quite serious, mildly perfectionist 6 year old son all nonchalantly that he can go the edge of the woods and yell that bad word into the woods if he wants to.

I had been clear about my expectations with him and hadn’t acted shocked and appalled about the whole thing, but I was curious… why exactly had my son yelled the F word at his sister in the first place?

So I said to him casually…

“What happened? Why did you say the F word to your sister?”

As he started telling me the story, I was glad I hadn’t pulled out a bar of soap to shove in his mouth. That would have been premature…

He said to us in a serious business like tone…

“Well, I was trying to talk to her and then she kept interrupting me. She started repeating every word I said. I kept telling her to stop and she WOULDN’T.

So then I said the One Word I KNEW she wouldn’t repeat back!”

???

I had no words.

gif it makes ense

My husband fought the urge to congratulate him on his ingenuity and I just kept thinking, well, you gotta hand it to the kid.

He knew the rules so well he used them to outsmart his sister.

He’s said one bad word since then….

After that incident he dropped the F bomb once more.

He got sent to the edge of the yard, of course. And I’ve never heard him or anyone else in the house say a bad word since.

Because we were clear about the rules.

We didn’t give the curse words unnecessary power.

And we took away the temptation to use the words because we didn’t make them taboo…

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Related Reads:

Sources:

What to Say When Your Kids Act Out In Public

A great phrase to use (that I got while reading this book). I highly recommend it as a book on how to shepherd your child’s heart.

Your son receives a nice gift from a relative on his birthday. And he says nothing.

You turn to him and say, “Can you say thank you?“

He gives a blank stare and says nothing…

You repeat, “Say thank you, please, let’s be polite.”

No response. You turn red. He remains calm in the face of your embarrassment.

The giver of the gift is also uncomfortable because you’ve chosen this time to enforce a manners lesson.

But there’s a better way…

what-to-say-when-your-kids-act-out-in-publi

Instead of getting into a power struggle in front of another person, embarrassing them, shaming your child, and making yourself look silly, use this phrase.

“We’re working on it” 

This implies that you know the polite thing to do, it doesn’t ask the other person to standby while you try to force your child to say something.

And it gives you a teaching opportunity to address later.

It gives your child a chance

If you’re trying to force your child to do something, the most common reaction will usually be the complete opposite of your command.

This is called counter will.

Counter will is the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. If they sense you are backing them into a corner, their instinctive response will be to avoid giving you want you want.

While inconvenient in the moment, this can actually be a great thing. It means your child has a will of their own. Still, it’s annoying.

However, by using “we’re working on it” you are taking the pressure off the situation. You’re giving your child have a chance to do what is expected with dignity and without the shame of you standing over them pointing a finger.

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

Boundaries & Behavior

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Discipline with Dignity

Discipline shouldn’t feel like a battle or a shot in the dark. This workshop gives you a clear, balanced plan for setting boundaries that build respect and responsibility—without yelling, harsh punishments, or constant power struggles.
Start Now

It gives opportunity to practice at home

My son started refusing to say hello or thank you to others. While it felt rude to me, I know he wasn’t trying to be rude.

He was just nervous.

After a few times of activating his counter will, I wizened up. I started practicing situations at home he was likely to encounter in public. I practiced greeting adults, saying thank you for a gift, and thank you for a compliment.

While practicing with him I could tell he didn’t fully understand what I expected him to do. After a few practices before getting into the car, going to church or meeting up with family, he got it!

Now, when we practice it’s a quick refresher and he’s he’s much better at responding, though he is still nervous.

Some personality types are more nervous than others, this one and this one, for example.

Read: Toddler Behavior Stressing You Out? Reset With These Simple Tips

It gets to the heart of the matter

Instead of focusing on what they’re supposed to say or do in the moment, by saying “we’re working on it” you’re creating a teaching opportunity.

When I was able to explain – away from the eyes of others – why it’s important we say “thank you” my son understood. He doesn’t have to hug and kiss strangers, but he does need to respond when spoken to.

Not in front of others, not in a way that shames or embarrasses your child, but at home I have conversations with the kids explaining why it’s important we thank people.

What gratitude really means. Or why it’s polite to answer questions when asked. And eye contact. These are lessons best taught in a non-pressurized environment.

Boundaries & Behavior

Loving Authority

Being in charge doesn’t mean being harsh or heavy-handed—it means being steady, clear, and confident. This workshop will help you understand what healthy authority really looks like. When you know how to show up as a secure, grounded leader, your kids feel safe, and everyone starts listening.
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It shows your child you won’t flip out

There’s a temptation to blow up any situation bigger than it is. We mothers often lose grip on our emotions. Children don’t inherently understand many things and, in the moment, it’s usually better to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Public shaming definitely doesn’t work, and now that you know about counter will, you’ll see that approach isn’t very fruitful.

There’s a difference between childishness and obstinence, and before we make a big deal about something we need to be doing adequate preparation and training at home.

So unless your child habitually disobeys, defies, and actually puts some attitude behind it just keep pressing onward.

So to recap here are some situations in which you could use “we’re working on it”:
  • When a child doesn’t respond politely.
  • When asked by a stranger or other person to do something they don’t know how to do or don’t want to do.
  • When given the look because of your child’s inappropriate behavior or loud voice.
  • If a teacher relays to you your child’s bad behavior in front of your child.

Sources:

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You’re Taking It Personally… Here’s How To Stop

When we take our kids behavior personally we stop being calm moms and we become angry moms. Also, here’s some encouragement for the emotionally exhausted mom.

One of my sons has a problem. This problem is called Coming Out Of His Bedroom When He’s Not Supposed To And Sneaking Around “Collecting” Things.

This problem turned me into a mad woman. A mad woman with an axe to grind. The first few times it happened I was a calm mom. I handled the situation with ease and without yelling. I didn’t even consider it an anger trigger.

Then it happened another time. 

And another time.

And another time. 

little girl hugging a teddy bear

And I could tell my consequence wasn’t working and became convinced my child had it out for me. He was trying to give me gray hairs.

He was trying to make a fool out of me for having a blog about being a mom when my own child doesn’t listen to a word I say and “borrows” jewelry from the women of the household to hide behind his rocking chair.

Read: 5 Things Emotionally Exhausted Mothers Need to Remember

I’d gone off the deep end. 

Then somehow someway, I remembered I’m the mother. The more mature one. The one who’s supposed to realize we cannot take our children’s behavior personally.

We can’t assume our children are doing anything “to” us just because their behavior is striking a chord.

How to Not Take Your Child’s Behavior Personally

It’s a struggle, for sure. But we are reasonable moms and I know, with encouragement, we can stop making it about us and realize it’s about them.

Remember They are Not an Extension of You

What, you say? They actually, uh, are an extension of me. Well, yes this is true! They are Mini Wes. But they are also their own individual people. They exist completely apart from us. If we were not here, God forbid, they would continue on.

They will make choices and think thoughts completely based on their own impulses, preferences, and compulsions. They may have personalities like us or they may not. They might look like us or they might be completely different in every way.

The fact is, just because we birthed them and have spent countless hours on their personal hygiene and feeding them… they don’t actually think about us that often in their decision making.

It’s not about us, it’s about them. 

50+ Connection Questions

Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!

Use them at:

meal times, car rides, as a “calm down” trick, for dinner time conversation, or any time the day is getting chaotic or you need a reset to connect.

two boys with their mom who takes their words personally

Stop, Pivot, and Breathe

This is the biggest one for me. In my head I can conjure up “all the right answers” but in the moment Emotions Are King. If I can stop even just One Mississippi before exploding, I’ll make good choices. I’ll use proper tones of voice. I’ll get a grip on my emotions and be the calm mom I know I can be.

If you tend to overreact when something happens you don’t like, the best thing you can do is turn around. Physically turn around, take a deep breath (this will help get your heart and breathing rate back down and get the adrenaline to stop pumping), and think before you react.

If you do this you’ll have plenty of time to realize they are not trying to annoy you, give you a migraine, or multiple your gray hairs.

Read: 5 Anger Triggers and How to Manage Them

Their choices are not about us, they’re about them. 

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Discipline with Dignity

Discipline shouldn’t feel like a battle or a shot in the dark. This workshop gives you a clear, balanced plan for setting boundaries that build respect and responsibility—without yelling, harsh punishments, or constant power struggles.
Start Now

Repeat to Yourself

I’ve read a few books lately that discuss the power of Affirmations. This is basically saying positive things to yourself until you believe them.

I believe this can be effective provided what you’re telling yourself is actually true. So if your child does something for the 15,356th time that day and you’re sure they’re just trying to make you nuts… tell yourself out loud.

“This is not about me. They did this because they wanted to. That is all.”

Read: What You Need To Do (Over and Over) to Get Good Behavior

toddler climbing into toy car

Get a Life

I am typing this to myself. Boy howdy do I need to get a life outside my kids. Not a life that prioritizes Things over my family.

Not a life that over emphasizes entertainment, fun, or selfishness… but I need to have enough of a life that I’m not completely emotionally intertwined with my kids’ actions and behaviors.

I know I do. Maybe you do too.

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If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

Boundaries aren’t harsh or selfish. They protect your energy, peace, and sanity so you can show up as the mom you want to be. This workshop helps you figure out where you need them, set them with confidence, and stick to them without guilt or burnout. Because when you hold your limits, everyone benefits.
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Connect and Discuss

I have learned, from my 2nd born child, that kids do have reasons for what they do. And, contrary to what we believe in the moment, it’s not usually related to us. My kids know they aren’t allowed to come out of their bedrooms after we’ve done the wind down and bedtime routines.

Until they’re not afraid to walk down a dark hall to the bathroom, they have their own potties. One evening I was Past the Point and my son came out. He saw my face was about to transform into something not pretty and he said, “I needed to get my potty!!!“

This was a good idea. Yes.

Had I taken the time to ask (which I do now!) then I’d have known his behavior was perfectly legitimate. It wasn’t about me. It was about him. And that’s good, frankly, because I’m encouraging my kids to think on their own.

Kids are their own people. 

They make their own choices. 

If we’re too worried about ourselves, we can’t effectively connect with them. 

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Disagreement Verses Backtalk… How to Allow One Without The Other

We all want our children to be able to express their emotions, but at what price? Here is how you can let your child disagree without copping an attitude.

Disagreement verses backtalk... how to allow your kids to disagree without allowing negative behavior or attitude

“But I don’t want to, mom…” he said.

“Son, I’ve told you 5 times and I’m about to get upset. Go to your room like I said.”

“But MOM! I can’t...”

“What do you mean you can’t???? Just go and wait for me!!!!!”

He threw his hands by his side, lowered his head, and said in an angry yet pitiful voice… “But it’s so dark in there, I’m scared.”

Oh.

Well.

That makes a difference doesn’t it?…

In this situation, my son wasn’t trying to backtalk or disobey me. He just needed me to turn on a light so he didn’t have to take the Long Walk Down the Hall and into his bedroom in pitch black.

That is a good reason to have a dialogue with me instead of just doing what I ask.

Now, let’s be honest. There are many other times when a child just wants to backtalk.

Tell you no.

Refuse your request.

Kick up a fuss in hopes of delaying the (maybe or maybe not) inevitable.

So since none of us want our children to repress and stifle their emotions, but neither do we want kids who are rude and disrespectful… we’d like to find a line to draw in the sand somewhere.

So… What’s The Difference Between Disagreeing and Backtalk?

Oh, it all comes down to your own family boundaries and what you don’t mind becoming habits. But here are some general thoughts to get your mind working on this issue.

tough phases with toddlers and preschoolers features

Is there an attitude?

This is the big one for me. There is expressing an opinion and there is having a bad or disrespectful attitude. I don’t mind if my children express their opinions, but if there is a eye roll, a defiant attitude, or a Super Snippy Tone… then no. That is not okay.

You can say, “I’m not a huge fan of mushrooms,” instead of “Ewww, mushrooms are gross and I’m not going to eat them.”

Children may not intuitively understand they are saying something rude, but if you keep at the concept of good attitude/bad attitude (or what we like to call a Happy Heart) they’ll understand the boundary.

Read: Can I require a positive attitude without stifling my children’s emotions?

Boundaries & Behavior

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Bye, Bye Backtalk

Backtalk isn’t just annoying—it’s draining, discouraging, and makes even the simplest requests feel like full-blown negotiations. This workshop will give you a step-by-step plan to stop the constant pushback and start building respectful, two-way communication with your kids. Because when you know how to hold boundaries and help your child feel heard, the fight fizzles—and connection takes its place.
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Is there refusal to do what you’ve asked or desire to express themselves?

At times I interpret my children’s desire to express themselves as refusal to do what I’ve asked. I want them to do what I want them to do exactly right then with no hesitation. Hesitation = disobedience.

That said, I’ve seen my error time and again when my children show they’re wanting more clarification for the task.

You’ll soon know the difference between stalling, needing more information, and backtalk. Stalling shouldn’t be rewarded, backtalk should be disciplined, and clarification can be given.

Is it repetitive, nonstop, or a delaying tactic?

I have one master staller. Actually, all my kids fine tuned their Stalling Tactics around the age of 3. They could ask just the right questions in just the right way that you felt you had to answer.

The trouble is, I don’t want my kids to feel “unheard.” I didn’t want to walk away from them mid-question.

To help avoid this, I use and love these two very effective phrases.

“I love you too much to argue.”

This is from Parenting With Love and Logic. If your child is trying to argue or wheel and deal and won’t seem to take “no” for an answer, this is a great phrase. I love you too much to argue.

Slightly sarcastic yet ultimately true. When you know there will be no arguing on a certain point, use that phrase.

“Asked and answered.”

This is another good phrase of the same vein. My 2-year-old doesn’t quite understand this yet, but the older kids do. My daughter will actually ask for something 5, 345 times in a row.

Or at least she would. I’m telling you, that girl has Persistence. Perseverance. She’s going to be a future leader. These phrases work well with her and discourage backtalk.

worth it

What’s the harm in listening?

If your child seems genuinely frustrated, not disrespectful, then take the time to listen. My 4-year-old so is often confused about instructions, scared about execution, or nervous and wants more information.

I don’t feel those are backtalk or bad attitudes, so I’m not opposed to listening.

However, once that crosses over into refusal to obey or meltdown mode, I know we’ve entered Backtalk Territory. Each child will have their own ways to backtalk you, and the key is to figure them out and not get caught in the power struggle.

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Manners in a Disconnected World

Equipping parents with a simple, consistent approach to teaching and reinforcing good manners so that their child naturally incorporates polite behavior into daily life.
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Encourage polite opinion sharing… this will be a process

As with anything in parenting, it’s a process. They’ll push the envelope as far as they can until know are very clear with our boundaries. It’s one way they develop security in our home.

When your children start to backtalk – but you can see they are passionate about what they’re saying – help them to adopt a respectful tone. Teach them which words they cannot say and how they are to speak when they’re trying to disagree.

“I’m not going to do it!!!” is not the same as, “Mom, I don’t really feel like it right now.”

It may be tough luck and they have to do it anyway, but the goal is to allow our children to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and desires without backtalk.

Without copping an attitude.

Without being disrespectful.

It’s a lifelong process… one we’re all learning.

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5 Simple Ways to Win Back Your Child’s Heart

During stressful, busy, or overwhelming seasons we can tend to disconnect from our kids unintentionally. Survival mode is a real thing! Here are 5 simple ways to get your kid’s heart back when you feel the distance.

We were sitting on the couch the other day. Myself, my 5-year-old daughter, and my 1-year-old son.

He did something a bit silly and I kissed his head. Then, all of a sudden, my daughter started crying. Sort of a whimper. Surprised, I looked at her sweet face and said, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“When you kissed him I felt sad. I don’t feel good about you right now, mom.”

mom reconnecting with her daughter

Talk about a blow to a mama’s heart. She didn’t need to elaborate. I already knew. We had a one week old baby in the house and, before that, weeks and weeks of Miserable Pregnant Mama (because This Is What Pregnancy Feels Like).

Daddy had been on duty more than normal. So had Nana, our mother’s helper, and aunts and uncles. Mama wasn’t MIA, but it wasn’t far off.

She felt disconnected. 

She felt left out. 

She wanted to be mama’s girl again. 

And the truth was… I was ready for that too. Not only with my daughter, but with all my kids. Even one week postpartum I felt closer to my normal self and was ready to get back to normal.

I was ready to win back my children’s hearts.

Simple Ways to Win Back Your Child’s Heart

Moms cannot do it all. 

There will be times and seasons where we aren’t able to be as connected or focused on our children as we’d like. When being a “present parent” is a lot harder than normal. Even though we prioritize our kids above nearly all else. That’s okay. That’s life.

However, when we’ve made the shift and desire to reconnect with our kids – and assure them we are fully present – it’s not as hard as you think. Children are born desiring connection with their parents, so the good news is… even if you feel disconnected, you can get back on track.

Do Something Spontaneous

This is my go to when I want to be Fun Mom again. It doesn’t have to be grand, just unexpected. Friday night I was really feeling the distance between myself and the kids. During bedtime it occurred to me… we should have Saturday morning breakfast with ice cream!

So we woke up, got dressed, and went to town (yes, we have to go to town because we don’t live in town) for ice cream.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

Parenting in Hard Times

Parenting through a crisis feels heavy—but you don’t have to do it alone. This workshop gives you a clear plan to bring stability, emotional safety, and strength to your family when life gets shaky. Because in hard times, your kids need a steady, loving guide.
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ice cream with the kids

Doing something unexpected or silly might be as simple as:

  • a dance party
  • taking a walk in a new place
  • getting dessert as a family
  • doing a craft or activity together
  • going for a Sunday drive and getting out to explore along the way

Stop, Watch, and Really Listen

My daughter starts Kindergarten in two and a half weeks. I die. We were sitting on the couch talking and lounging, and I started staring at her face. Really staring. Watching how she talked, her expressions, and what she was saying.

It occurred to me it’d been some since I’d truly paid close attention to her. After just a few moments my heart swelled with joy and we had a great talk.

For the rest of the day, I purposely did that with each child. We know spending one on one time with kids is important, but even just turning a one minute diaper change into a 3 minute bonding session can start to reforge (or strengthen) your connection.

Listening to what our kids say, praising them (especially if we’ve stopped that for whatever reason), and responding in the moment makes a huge difference in connection.

Spend 1-on-1 Time For Current Interests

My daughter is starting Kindergarten soon. Because this means she’ll be gone during the day, we are  spending a lot of time focusing on that. This means we’ve shopped together. Picked out her clothes, uniforms, and shoes together.

We’ve been practicing using ABCmouse (click here to get your first month free) so she learns mouse skills and can take basic assessments on the computer. We’ve been scrolling Pinterest looking for cute girl hairstyles. We are bonding over her upcoming life change.

Connection & Culture

13-18, 6-12

Rooted in Family

Family life shouldn’t feel like a blur of to-do lists that leave you wondering if the memories are even sticking. This workshop helps you define your family’s core values and create simple, meaningful traditions that bring everyone closer without adding pressure.
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back to school shopping

4-year-old – He loves dinosaurs and airplanes. I’ve been reading a lot of dinosaur books with him specifically because his eyes light up. Today we have a date to watch some dinosaur videos online. A big deal for us because my kids never get online.

3-year-old – He loves dirt and trucks. I can try to do any number of things with him, but he runs away quickly laughing like a maniac. However, if I join him in his truck games or sit near him while he plays in the dirt we can spend a lot more time together since I’m joining him where he is. This son truly knows the difference between playing and being entertained.

1-year-old – My third son is just getting into books. He will sit back on the couch and snuggle up. His attention span is short, but board books and pop-up books will keep his attention for quite a while as long as there are minimal distractions. We’re working to increase his reading stamina as we speak.

Connecting is easier when we join our kids in their own interests instead of trying to bring them into our own.

Make the Bedtime Routine Longer

Hands down, this is the easiest way to carve our more time during the day with the kids. When you’re busy doing your wind down routine at bedtime, add another 5 or 10 minutes. This may be reading just one more chapter. Talking about one more thing.

Snugging just a while longer.

At bedtime they’re a captive audience and, clearly, they don’t want you to leave anyway! Take advantage of their delaying and stalling tactics and focus on being a present parent in the time you do have.

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 6-12

Goodnight Bedtime Battles

This workshop will give you a simple, sanity-saving bedtime system that actually works—one that helps your kids wind down, fall asleep without endless stalling, and stay asleep (so you can finally get some rest).
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ek and me at the beach

Press Pause on As Much As Possible

Some seasons of life are busier than others. Occasionally, our life is so full we’re pulled away from the things we prioritize most. This may happen during an illness, pregnancy, or when one parent has big work-related projects.

During these times I’ve found it’s important to pull away from as much else as possible.

This may mean pulling back from weekly groups, removing yourself from committees, and scaling back socially so you won’t be pulled in tons of directions. Kids need stability and regularity at home.

Studies show kids who are always being schlepped in the car to and fro with little downtime have increased risk of becoming depressed and anxious. Even little kids!

If life has been hectic and you need to reconnect…

Focus on the small things.

Pull back from the things that are keeping you from your kids.

Pay close attention and meet them where they’re at.