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Family Culture

The Family Binder: Why You Need One & How To Do It (Quickly!)

How to make a rocking home family binder that helps every adult in the house have instant access to important info.

For me, there’s little I find more satisfying than an organizing project.

So after I got sick of looking at my important papers stacked on the table, I tackled this binder.

What’s a family binder?

It’s a binder where you keep photo copies of all you important info so you can find it all in a glance. If you have to dip out quickly, leave your affairs to someone else, or get account numbers quickly… this is the place you go.

This is a relatively quick and oh so terribly satisfying way to consolidate your family’s business and feel organized and in charge in the process. There are many ways to go about it, but I wanted our binder to be a quick reference guide with copies (not originals) that could be referred to quickly for any and all important family information.

Here’s why a family binder is a good idea

The family binder is sort of a command central for all your administrative accounts and info.

[Read more…] about The Family Binder: Why You Need One & How To Do It (Quickly!)

Family Identity: What Tight Knit Families Have That Distant Families Don’t

Family culture is so important and today’s topic in this series focuses on family identity.

Before you go any further, have you read the first post in this series? If not, go back and read Part 1 on family culture, Part 2 on family values, and Part 3 on family traditions. 

My maternal grandmother walked miles to school every day and picked cotton by hand year in and year out. 

The grandfather on my mother’s side was the first farmer to bring a particular crop to our area and one of the first to make a very substantial living as a farmer. 

My paternal grandfather was a doctor in the Air Force and met with multiple presidents. 

My paternal grandmother was a nurse during the war where she met my grandfather. She gave me her red hair. 

Family Identity Matters 

Family history, identity, and legacy doesn’t just matter because it’s sweet to think about family trees. They aren’t just important so you have something to talk about when you’re giving kids a lecture on how easy their life is now compared to their ancestors.

Nope.

Research shows that family history and family identity actually help to forge stronger feelings of acceptance, belonging, and well-being within a nuclear family (source).

When children sense they belong to something bigger than themselves… they are happier!

family identity... the one ingredient strong families have that others dont

What Does Creating a Strong Family Identity Do?

Thinking about and cultivating a strong family identity is so important in the overall discussion on family culture.  (If you haven’t read the first three posts on this topic, please read those in conjunction with this article... see the list at the bottom.)

What Is Family Identity?

Family identity can be defined as the following:

  • Habits, rituals, and traditions your family takes part in
  • Family legacy and history passed down via word of mouth or ancestor research
  • Values your family subscribes to

Whether or not you already recognize your family identity, you’ve got one. Now, let’s work on putting words to those concepts.

Family Identity Puts Words To Concepts And Feelings

I once read a quote from Beth Moore that said something like, “I disciplined meanness just as severely as I did lying or stealing,” and that rang true.

When one of my children acts mean I want to fly off the handle because to me, meanness is intolerable in every sense.

When thinking about our family identity – and brainstorming our own family culture – it became clear to me that I discipline meanness very strongly.

Why?

Because, meanness did not fit into our family identity.

A reality became clear: Brotherly kindness is one of our core values. 

You can make your own Family Core Values sheet by clicking HERE!

By figuring out what things identify your family (the history, the rituals, the values, the every day culture) you’re able to put concepts into words.

This will help you live core values out everyday. The simple act of giving children vocabulary for family life goes a long way.

  • We don’t make fun of each other, we are a supportive family.
  • Like our family before us, we persevere even when times get tough.
  • We do mission work because we live out our value of service.

Family Identity Weaves A Larger Story

There is inestimable value in giving your children the gift of a family history.

This is something perhaps harder than in days past since families are moving more frequently and children often grow up without any grandparents nearby.

Even so, you can share stories that help children see where they come from.

It’s not only royals who care about their lineage. Ancestry.com has a booming business helping you discover ancestors, living family members all over the world, and even analyze your DNA to tell you what genetic communities you’re part of.

Kids need to feel part of something larger than themselves. 

Personalize Your Template Here!

By helping your children learn to identify with something bigger than themselves – the family unit – they are turning their focus outside of themselves.

Family Identity Gives Alternatives

It’s a lot easier for kids to say no to peer pressure or risky behavior when they have something positive to do instead.

In the book Why I Didn’t Rebel the author said the main reason many kids she interviewed were able to avoid rebelling is because they actually had something fun they wanted to do at home.

Home life was fun.

Families that had good traditions, good times, and good talks together gave their children alternatives to misbehavior. This made it easier for kids to stay on the straight and narrow and avoid getting into trouble.

When a family’s culture and identity are strong, nurturing, and affirming children grow up feeling part of something.

Family Culture Series

You’ve Got A Family Culture… Embrace It

Figuring out your family values will probably be fun. But… even if it isn’t you gotta do it! We can’t expect our children to mine the depths of our hearts and then live out the things we value most.

And odds are, in this fast paced frenzied world we aren’t even living out our deepest values anyways. But… that can change. It doesn’t have to be hard, we just have to put our values front and center.

“Activities that give us durable happiness are the ones we have a hand in creating. We don’t just sit back and receive pleasure (fun with family, etc.). We actually generate the pleasure ourselves.”

–Secrets of Happy Families

In my quest to strengthen our own family culture and help you strengthen yours,  I made a beautifully functional Family Culture Pack for you.

Use it to brainstorm your family values, then edit the template and print your own family values to frame or hang on the fridge. Nail down the aspects of your family culture you already have and those that are lacking. Begin improving your own family culture today.

If you don’t determine and then live our your values… your children won’t either. 

::

The Indisputable Benefits of Family Traditions & Rituals

This post is the third installment in my family culture series, this will focus on family traditions. 

Before you go any further, have you read the first post in this series? If not, go back and read Part 1 on family culture and Part 2 on family values. 

This morning I went into my 5 year old’s room to wake him up for school.

He was squatting in front of a box of LEGO in his dimly lit room and looked up as I walked in.

“Come here, baby,” I said.

He gave a little giggle and said, “I know what you’re gonna say mom, you don’t have to say it!”

We shared a laugh then I made an overly serious face and said, “Come here.”

Smiling as he walked over, he sat on my lap and I wrapped my arms around him in a big hug and said… “My heart told my brain to tell my arms to hug you tight because I love you so. You know my heart explodes with love for you.” 

“I know, I know!” he said smiling, then went back to his LEGO.

Traditions

My firstborn son and I have this tradition. I tell him why I need to hug him and he smiles and pretends that I don’t need to say it… but when I do, he leans into me safely and snugly. It’s our thing.

Family traditions make up our family culture and our family culture determines so much about our children’s future.

family traditions feature

Family Traditions and Rituals look like this…

First things first, before we get into the benefits of traditions and rituals (get your printable brainstorm sheet here). Then, let’s talk about the following and how they apply to our life:

  • Daily traditions
  • Yearly traditions
  • Moment to moment traditions (like the story I mentioned above)
  • Vacation traditions
  • Milestones (first day of school, gift when turning 12 years old, etc.)

Family traditions cross a broad spectrum of times and occasions. Undoubtably, you’ll find that they will benefit all areas of your family’s life.

Connection & Culture

13-18, 6-12

Rooted in Family

Family life shouldn’t feel like a blur of to-do lists that leave you wondering if the memories are even sticking. This workshop helps you define your family’s core values and create simple, meaningful traditions that bring everyone closer without adding pressure.
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4 Indisputable Benefits of Family Traditions

From celebrating the hight points in life, to underwriting the fibers of your family story, traditions make a family united and ultimately bring them together.

In the following sections, you’ll see some indisputable benefits to recognizing and keeping those family traditions.

1) Traditions Are High Points

Every family has highs and lows. Deaths, crises, times of financial lack, or emotional struggles.

This is part of life…

Also, this is one reason family traditions are so important! Little and big traditions give us things to remember in the low times. Furthermore, things that happen over and over again have a way of cementing themselves into our children’s brains.

Right now, quick, think of something you did a lot when you were a kid that you liked?

See…

For some, it will be a joyful time. For others, it could have been a trial. This much I know… I want my children to have positive traditions to hold onto when things get tough.

Family Culture Feature Image

2) Traditions Weave A Family Story

Studies show that children who feel part of a larger story find more security and belonging. Also, security and belonging breed confidence and endurance. I don’t know about you, but I want that for my family!

Great grandmother walked to school. Great grandfather was the first person to build a fully electric house in the county (true story). Dad grew up playing in dirt piles in his backyard.

And so on…

Kids love to know more about their rich family history and traditions and rituals help create a new story in real time.

Whether we have traditions or not, we’re creating a story. The key is to create one we want our kids to remember. You can use the Family Traditions and Rituals brainstorm workbook here.

3) Traditions Bring Familiarity And Security

In a fast-paced ever changing world, families can cycle through life without ever stoping to think about traditions.

Kids grow up at a rapid rate and life’s circumstances often lead some families move every few years.

This is why traditions and rituals are so important. Traditions are the things that aren’t contingent upon location, time zone, or a specific house.

For example, Saturday morning pancakes can be had anywhere. The truth is, evening walks, birthday cakes, movie nights, and beach vacations can be done year in and year out no matter where you are.

I said that to say this… every family can make traditions that bring security and familiarity to your family!

Children crave stability and routine, and traditions and rituals are a good way to strengthen your family’s ties.

Read: My “Daily Escape” to a Quiet Place & Why It’s Necessary

4) Traditions Give Bonding Opportunities

We’re closest to those with whom we’ve shared the most with. When it coms to building family traditions, let’s share a lot of positive experiences.

The more positive activities and experiences you can share together the stronger the relationships will be. As a result, the stronger the relationship the more one remains in contact.

Building a life that a family will continue to share together is our goal. That being said, bonding opportunities like family traditions will reap lasting relationships.

Now, that’s an indisputable benefit!

Traditions allow you to develop closer ties with your family. They give you the time and space to really be together. Traditions have a great way of creating positive feelings towards each other as well.

Traditions can be bridges that reconnect busy families…

Connection & Culture

Setting Your Family Pace

Family life shouldn’t feel like a constant race. This workshop helps you build a balanced, sustainable pace that handles responsibilities while making space for rest, connection, and what really matters.
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Family Tradition Ideas

The following is a short list of some family tradition ideas you may enjoy. I recommend looking at the things you already enjoy doing together and making sure that they happen regularly.

  • First day of school breakfast
  • Evening walks
  • Family dinners
  • Movie nights
  • Board game nights
  • Prayer and devotion time
  • Bedtime stories and books
  • Watching sports (or going to games)
  • Saturday or Sunday morning breakfasts
  • Family time capsule
  • First day of school and last day of school photos
  • Decorating the house for Christmas
  • Baking certain recipes at certain times of the yera
  • Individual time with parents and children (mom and daughter weekend, etc.)
  • Painting Easter eggs
  • Decorating pumpkins
  • Vacations (beach trip, skip trip, camping trip, etc.)
Family Culture Series

You’ve Got A Family Culture… Embrace It

Figuring out your family values will probably be some work at first, but we gotta do it!

We can’t expect our children to mine the depths of our hearts and then live out the things we value most. And, odds are in this fast paced, frenzied world, we aren’t even living out our deepest values.

“Activities that give us durable happiness are the ones we have a hand in creating. We don’t just sit back and receive pleasure (fun with family, etc.). We actually generate the pleasure ourselves.”

–Secrets of Happy Families

In my quest to strengthen our own family culture and help you strengthen yours,  I made a beautifully functional Family Culture Pack for you.

Use it to brainstorm your family values, then edit the template and print your own family values to frame or hang on the fridge.

Nail down the aspects of your family culture you already have and those that are lacking. Begin improving your own family culture today.

If you don’t determine and then live our your values… your children won’t either. 

::

Family Values: How To Determine Then Live Out What Matters Most

Inside you’ll find out how to determine your family values then make them a strong part of your family.

Before you go any further, have you read the first post in this series? If not, go back and read Part 1: Family Culture: A Guide To Building Strong Families

The issue is that my husband and I are polar opposites.

Like completely polar. We are North Pole to South Pole, vanilla to chocolate. Sweet to savory opposites. And yet, somehow, our core values align well together.

Don’t get me wrong, not every single value lines up perfectly. For Example, he values rest and I value work. However, we both have a large set of core values we both support.

Life get’s a bit crazy with young kids all living together in one home. Trust me, I know! Just one more reason why sharing a core set of values is vital!

Without determining and becoming a champion of our core values, our children might be confused and our family unit suffer.

As parents, we want out children to align with then adopt our family values. Let’s talk about how to do this through modeling and conversation.

Family Culture Feature Image

How To Determine Your Family Values

It’s not as difficult as you may think… I have a page full of values for you to brainstorm and choose from you can access instantly here. 

If you don’t bring your values to the forefront of your family life by deed, tradition, and conversation then you can’t expect your children to exhibit them later.

Sure, they will “catch” a lot of things, but if we aren’t sure of our own core values then we won’t be living them in a big way.

Begin by Asking Yourself These Questions…

It can be hard to think about what things we value most. We’re so caught up in the hubbub of life we often forget to really focus on the deeper things, they are less “urgent.” That’s why we’re going to do this exercise.

Asking yourself these questions (along with this printable) and really digging deep into what your values… a great way to start!

Read:  5 Parenting Skills That Help Raise Stable, Well-Adjusted Kids

How Do I Want Kids To Feel In Our Home?

Close your eyes and imagine you are inside the home waiting for your kids to walk in. They come inside the door… what do you want them to feel? Why do you want them to feel these things?

Write down all the words that come to mind then use this sheet to circle your favorites. You can narrow down from there.

I want my children to feel safe, loved, and challenged. This is because I value security, acceptance, and hard work. I want them to know I love them no matter what they do, but I want them to value excellence.

Connection & Culture

13-18, 6-12

Rooted in Family

Family life shouldn’t feel like a blur of to-do lists that leave you wondering if the memories are even sticking. This workshop helps you define your family’s core values and create simple, meaningful traditions that bring everyone closer without adding pressure.
Start Now

What Qualities Do I Value The Most In Others?

Think about 3 people you admire greatly. What do you admire about them most? What character qualities do they have you wish you had? Now ask yourself… do you also strive for or exhibit these qualities? Or are you a different personality and these qualities simply attract you?

I greatly admire Beth Moore, the Christian writer and speaker. She’s funny, a straight talker, and honest even when it hurts. I value a good time (humor), reality (not dreams and visions), and honesty.

What Character Flaws Bother Me The Most In Others?

This is a fun one. Depending on your personality (I’m an ENTJ, choleric, Enneagram 8) you will naturally be bothered by certain things that other personalities may not. Your partner might be able to handle some things and take them in stride where you’ll want to complain about them and rant on Facebook for 2 days.

Think about those qualities that do your head in and then find their opposite. Those things you hate may highlight the things you value.

I hate when people lie to me. I can’t stand laziness. People who always complain but never do anything to change their situation annoy me. Therefore I value honesty, hard work and industry, and a solution oriented attitude. 

What Do I Find Myself Repeating Over And Over?

What you find yourself repeating over and over again with the kids likely holds clues as to your values. Are you always reminding them to clean or tidy up? Do you have lots of conversations relating to faith with your kids? As a family do you frequently visit, love, and serve others?

These behaviors are good fruit of a tree planted in your value system.

I often say the phrase, “We don’t hurt each other in our family, we encourage each other.” Another thing kids think I say too much is, “You can’t complain about dinner since you didn’t pay for the groceries or cook it.” And another is, “We are NOT mean to each other in this family.” I value positive attitudes, appreciation, and kindness. 

I know my values… now what?

Now that you’ve determined what you feel are your core values… hang them up. (You can use this editable printable). When you are dealing with a certain situation that pertains to one of your values, mention it.

“Thanks so much for helping me, I’m so glad our family values helping out.”

Remind them of your values. Speak them vocally as much as you can. Your kid’s will hold on to them more if you use repetition.

The Smiths love courage…

The Jones are hard workers…

The Millers love new adventures…

The Parkers are crazy for Disney….

And on and on.

Motherhood & Wellbeing

13-18, 6-12

Healthy Minds, Happy Homes

Taking care of your mental health shouldn’t feel like another chore. This workshop shows you how to build simple, sustainable routines that support your well-being and your kid’s emotional health—without the stress or overthinking.
Start Now

Family Culture Series

You’ve Got A Family Culture… Embrace It

Figuring out your family values will probably be fun. But, even if it doesn’t sounds like fun….you gotta do it.

We can’t expect our children to mine the depths of our hearts and then live out the things we value most. And, odds are in this fast paced, frenzied world, we aren’t even living out our deepest values.

It takes planning and work to live intentionally. But, that can change. It doesn’t have to be hard… we just have to put our values front and center.

“Activities that give us durable happiness are the ones we have a hand in creating. We don’t just sit back and receive pleasure (fun with family, etc.). We actually generate the pleasure ourselves.”

-Secrets of Happy Families

Family Culture Workbook

In my quest to strengthen our own family culture and help you strengthen yours,  I made a beautifully functional Family Culture Pack for you. Use it to brainstorm your family values, then edit the template and print your own family values to frame or hang on the fridge.

Nail down the aspects of your family culture you already have and those that are lacking. Begin improving your own family culture today.

If you don’t determine and then live our your values… your children won’t either. 

::

Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

These are excellent questions to ask kids to help them open up, learn more about each other, and really build the parent child relationship.

We are huge fans of talking around here.

I, in fact, hardly ever shut up.

It’s no surprise that my children – all 5 of them – also talk a lot. With 7 people in a home it can be hard to get a word in. So one thing we like to do to make sure each child gets to share… is take turns with questions.

At the dinner table, we will go around with fun questions or trivia and let each child talk.

They love it and we feel we get to know them more and more!

Parents are sitting at the table with kids asking them questions to ask kids.

Remember… these are relationship building questions when you are trying to have a conversation.

If you are trying to get information from your kids because they’re clammed up… I recommend statements, not questions.

Questions to ask children who are shy

No matter how talkative kids can be when playing and goofing off, some will be shy when asked questions directly.

Believe it or not, I was like this as a kid. I had to be “pushed” a bit to open up.

It’s important to give your shy kids opportunities to share out. Be sure to include them in your family discussion time. Here are some questions that can help:

  • What is your favorite outside toy or game?
  • Do you have a favorite inside toy/game? Why?
  • If you could be any animal, what would you be?
  • What is your favorite day of the week? Why?
  • Tell me about your favorite food.
  • If you could only see in two colors, what colors would you choose? Why
  • What was the most fun thing that you did today?
  • What do you love about your life?
  • Can you tell me about time that you were really happy?
  • If you could have any superpower what would you choose and why?
  • If you could visit any place in the world, where would you go? How would you get there?

50+ Connection Questions

Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!

Use them at:

meal times, car rides, as a “calm down” trick, for dinner time conversation, or any time the day is getting chaotic or you need a reset to connect.

Silly questions that will get everyone giggling

I absolutely love rolling with laughter at the table with the family. How cool is it going to be for my kids to look back on this time and remember how much they giggled and laughed!

Here are some questions to get everyone enjoying their family time together:

  • Turn the numbers of your age around. How would you talk if you were that age?
  • If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?
  • If you could eat one thing every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  • Would you rather swim with a shark or a crocodile?
  • Pretend that you have a pet parrot. What would you teach it to say?
  • If you could switch places with me for a day, what would you do?
  • What do you think animals say?
  • What is your favorite method of laughing?
  • If you were a teacher, what would you teach your students?
  • What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?

Dinner table questions… choose this or that

My kids love This or That questions! They often ask for these questions before any of the others. In fact, they love hearing what their siblings and we have to choose for an answer.

You’ll be surprised how good of a listener they become and how much they begin to love hearing about each other.

  • Would you rather be incredibly smart or hysterically funny?
  • Would you rather live in the city or on a farm?
  • If you could choose, would you rather be 5 years older or 5 years younger?
  • Would you rather be an astronaut or an ocean scuba diver?
  • Is it better to be too hot or too cold?
  • Would you rather have a tall neck like a giraffe or a long nose like an elephant?
  • If you could choose, would you rather be a captain of a ship or pilot of an airplane?
  • Would you rather be able to understand what animals are saying or have them understand you?
  • For a trip, would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?
  • For a treat, would you rather eat cake or ice cream?
  • Would you rather be able to breath underwater or fly?

Questions to ask your kids about their life away from you

Remember, this isn’t prying… but simple parenting skills. Not every kid is the same, some need to be asked to share experiences before they will open up about a time they were away from you.

One of my younger boy’s specialty is to share something about a trip he went on with a family member years ago. I’m not sure why he chooses to share these memories years later or even how he remembers them… but I’m always glad when he remembers and shares.

It’s like if I never would have asked, he would never have shared…

  • What types of snacks and foods did you eat?
  • Did you feel completely safe and comfortable?
  • Was anyone there that you didn’t know?
  • How much time did you spend indoors/outdoors?
  • What is your favorite thing to do with your friends?
  • Was there any arguing with your friend/cousin going on?
  • Tell me what you love most about being there?
  • Is there anything that you don’t like about being there?
  • Was there ever a time where you wanted me to come get you?
  • Was the adult available and around all of the time?

Q’s about kids’ dreams and the future

Don’t spend all of your time on questions to ask your kids that are just for fun. Use this time to grow with them.

Not only is this a great opportunity to share, but it’s also a great opportunity to teach listening appreciation and acceptance of different viewpoints.

We all want out kids to be supportive and appreciative when hearing others dreams. Guess what?

This doesn’t always come natural… the discussion that comes with the following questions will lead itself to opportunities to teach and model.

  • What is your biggest dream?
  • Can you tell me is something that you’re really good at?
  • What is the best part of your day?
  • Tell me something that you’re really looking forward to.
  • Can you think of something that you really want to learn how to do?
  • Is it more important to be rich or kind?
  • When do you feel the most proud to be you?
  • What do you think is the best part about getting older?
  • What would yo most like to be? Why?
  • What do you think your lie will be like ten years form now?

It’s ok if you bounce around these questions and not have lengthy discussions each night at the dinner table.

However, you’ll find that gearing your family’s conversation in directions that cause you to get to know them and teach values will be rewarding.

::

This Is What’s Really Happening When Your Kids Are Defiant

 Inside: Here is how to decipher whether your child is being defiant or if you have an underlying problem on your hands. If you have a defiant kid, stick around.

My sweet 3-year-old middle child was no longer himself.

He was… how shall I say this… a worse version of himself.

Instead of smiling and charming the pants off of me and everyone around us, he’d turned sullen. Whiney. Extremely emotional and resistant to nearly all of my instruction.

At first I was at a loss. What on earth was going on? Was it the terrible 3’s or a stomach ache? Was it some wonder week or result of a shift in routine?

Whatever the reason, I saw it as a challenge…

I wasn’t about to lose this battle to my 3 year old.

My Type A-ness kicked in. If my kid thought he was going to fight my every instruction and get away with it, well, he had another think coming!

So I did what many other mothers would do in my situation… I tightened the consequences. I thought I’d reign him in.

The plan was to tomato stake him and we’d get to the bottom of this whole defiance issue. After all, I loved this baby more than words and didn’t want him growing up entitled with a bad attitude.

Well…

You are probably smarter than me. You may not be surprised at what happened next.

It was a dismal failure. 

defiant kid crossing arms

It Just Got Worse…

His defiant kid behavior did not improve. In fact, it simply got worse. He became more emotional, volatile, and confounding.

I wondered if I was being too strict…or perhaps too lenient. Did he feel unloved? If so then why didn’t our individual time together seem to help the issue?

Around this same time I was doing Love and Logic® parenting training and I had an epiphany. An epiphany that turned things around nearly immediately.

As soon as I finished the lesson I sat back in my chair and let it sink in. There was a clear reason my son was fighting my instructions, commands, and our family rules.

There was a reason he was being a defiant kid. He wanted to do anything except that which he was told to do. And it was more than just an instinctual reason. And the reason was this…

He felt powerless. 

Mother hugging defiant kid.

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!

The Need For Control

Control is a basic human need. The desire for it is so strong we’ll do nearly anything to regain that sense of control.

When we feel powerless, we attempt to exert our power in any way we can. Children: by tantrums, being a defiant kid, meltdowns, procrastination, or defiance. Adults… in similar but perhaps more “adulty” ways.

Share control when you don’t need it so you can get some back when you do. Love and Logic®

As I learned and observed, I realized that my dear middle son didn’t get to choose games with the older kids, and the younger ones are too little to fall under his leadership. This was causing him to be a defiant kid.

On top of that, mommy and daddy wanted him to do “This and That and The Other” and it all added up to a sense of powerless.

I hadn’t been giving him enough healthy and age appropriate choices. 

He’s too young to control his daily routine, his meals, or his life direction, but he’s surely old enough to make decisions throughout the day that give him back a sense of control.

I wanted to lessen the power struggles between us while still maintaining our family boundaries.

kid sitting at a booth

How to Give Away Control You Don’t Need

Turns out, “giving away control” is a fairly easy to do. These tips should give you an idea of how to do this and change your defiant kid:

Give Choices You are Okay With

Throughout the day, make deposits into your child’s power bank. Every choice you give your child becomes another deposit in your child’s sense of control.

“Would you like a red plate or a blue one?”

“Do you want to read 1 book or 2?”

“Should we go inside now or in 5 minutes?”

Give two options that are both okay. You are not stretching your boundaries, but your child feels powerful.

Read: The Surprising Reason Our Kids Are Insecure

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Discipline with Dignity

Discipline shouldn’t feel like a battle or a shot in the dark. This workshop gives you a clear, balanced plan for setting boundaries that build respect and responsibility—without yelling, harsh punishments, or constant power struggles.
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girl sitting o her bed

Provide Choices Before Your Child Gets Resistant

Throughout the day – any time you think of it – give choices to your child.

The more deposits you make into your child’s power bank throughout the day… the less resistant they’ll be when you don’t allow them to choose.

Tips on Giving Choices to Help Defiant Kid

  • Give choices that you’re ok with… such as what shoes they should wear, picking their clothes, or which toy to play with.
  • Start by giving two choices for your child. If they haven’t chosen within 5 to 10 seconds, choose for them and move on.
  • Add more varied choices as he/she gets used to your limits. This will help your child learn how to be decisive and it communicate your limits.
  • If you’re child is resistant on choosing between the choices you give him/her say something like this:

“Would you like to go to bed now or in 2 minutes? You don’t ever want to go to bed? I’m sorry to hear that, we’ll go now.”

When we provide choices before a child becomes resistant, we share healthy control. When we provide choices after they complain or resist, we reward them for complaining and resisting. Love and Logic®

Once your child has become a defiant kid and is demanding to do their own thing, offering choices then becomes a power struggle.

At this point you can enforce a family consequence and move on. Then, when the time of conflict has passed, continue giving choices.

Read: 32 Consequences Moms Can Use For Negative Behavior

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Bye, Bye Backtalk

Backtalk isn’t just annoying—it’s draining, discouraging, and makes even the simplest requests feel like full-blown negotiations. This workshop will give you a step-by-step plan to stop the constant pushback and start building respectful, two-way communication with your kids. Because when you know how to hold boundaries and help your child feel heard, the fight fizzles—and connection takes its place.
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child holding a yellow butterfly

At First I felt Ridiculous…

I immediately began giving my son choices. Choices about how many books to read (3 or 4?). Choices about which clothes to wear (soft shorts or jean shorts?). I felt ridiculous and silly for the first few times until I looked in his eyes...

He was beaming. 

3 choices was all it took for him to go from screaming at bedtime to getting calmly into bed and asking for a kiss. It has worked ever since! When I give him a choice he looks me directly in the eye, smiles, and makes his choice. He feels a sense of control over his own life.

He’s no longer acting out to prove a point. 

All of the melting down and throwing tantrums have stopped.

He is a happy child again. 

And all it took was sharing some control with my son.

“Sharing control within firm limits teaches wisdom and responsibility.” Love and Logic®

Angry Mom CHECKLIST

Ready to try and deal with this temper of yours? Let this checklist help you get a handle on it.