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What I Learned when my daughter woke up the entire 2nd floor of our hotel

And it was not a small hotel. In fact, resort would be the more apt description. It went something like this. She was up late the evening before because we hosted for Thanksgiving. After being put down for a nap in the hotel she had been sleeping roughly an hour when the neighbor’s very loud industry type door (I said it was a resort, I didn’t say it was super classy) slammed and woke her up. She cried and couldn’t get back to sleep. So, that evening, she woke up around 11pm inconsolable and screamed bloody murder for an hour or two. She was super over tired and when she’s like that nothing makes it better but time. You can hold her, hug her, give her something to drink, bring her in your bed and it will all work for two seconds but when she hits the almost asleep phase, she screams again. So, after two hours of this and knowing we were getting mental death threats from everyone on our floor, we decided the next day we would have to be diligent to get her rested up again.

Here’s what I learned.

1) Let go of things that are less important but guard the things that are highly important. At home I make homemade baby food for my 7 month old. I just think it tastes better, it’s less expensive and it just seems easier. While we were gone we bought baby food. In my mind, a weekend of baby food out of a jar was not a big deal. I knew he wouldn’t mind and I wasn’t going to be OCD about it because I knew it’d be a pain. Her naps, however, ARE highly important. It is important to me that she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night screaming because she’s over tired. When she’s well rested you never hear a peep til morning. So, the next day we decided to guard her nap like watchmen. We put her playpen in the bathroom hoping for an exhaust fan. When there wasn’t one, we turned on the tumble dryer up high and closed all doors that would possibly let in other noise. Daughter sleeping in the bathroom? Weird? Yes. But you know what? She “slept like a baby” and couldn’t hear the loud doors closing or even her little brother making all sorts of noises. Guarding the nap kept the rest of the weekend enjoyable. [Read more…] about What I Learned when my daughter woke up the entire 2nd floor of our hotel

What I learned getting a urine sample from an 18 month old

Here I am again, talking about things medically related. And, about how to get urine sample from a toddler, of all things. This winter we had quite a few visits to the doctor. But, this was a special episode. My – then – 18 month old baby girl had us convinced she had a UTI. She was acting all weird and she’d say peepee and then smack her diaper and scrunch her face as though in pain.

This went on for a day or so until I, bright mother that I am, put two and two together. So, instead of simply heading to the doctor and waiting for him to tell me “it’s viral” and send me home, I decided I’d get a urine sample so he could do the test right there. We thought it could possibly save us from having to do the other UTI test that will go unnamed as it has given us horrible memories (more on that here). All I have to say is this. Wow, what a morning.

What I learned trying to get a urine sample from an 18 month old.

1) Kids are flippin’ stubborn.

My mama always said, “I can’t wait until you have a daughter, I bet she’ll turn out just like you.” I, of course, took that statement to be a compliment. Now, I understand. It was neither a compliment nor an insult. It was simply a warning. My little girl has staying power. Did it matter that I’d given her two or three big sippy cups full of water, milk and juice? No. She was flat sure not going to pee just because I wanted her to. She was naked, on my lap, watching football. Wouldn’t you think she’d be distracted enough to pee? No. She probably focused specifically on not peeing, just because I wanted her to so bad.

[Read more…]

Postpartum Anxiety

Many people probably read the term “postpartum anxiety” and immediately think, nah not for me. It seems extreme, as though one must be having panic attacks at 15 minute intervals and in the supermarket check-out line to be considered anxious. While, this sure can occur, I think the most common form of postpartum anxiety is less mild, more subtle and far more widespread than one might think.

My personality type (which is obviously A if you have read more than even one article over here) produces in me a natural tendency to worry. I can rationalise most things and explain away this and that, but the propensity remains. Worry and anxiety stem from fear and fear can take root when we are in situations that are unknown, potentially frightening or out of our control. To a certain extent, bringing new life into the world and nurturing it, can be all of the above.

Thoughts on postpartum anxiety.

1) The first few months with a newborn bring a bit of surrealism home.

I don’t know about you but at my house the first six weeks with a new baby feels surreal. I feel like I’m in a partial daze and still suffer from lingering effects of pregnancy brain. I believe you know what I’m talking about. Things no longer seem normal. Routine is different from before. There is a new person in the house and they are incredibly demanding. There may be other younger humans in the house attempting to adjust to a partial takeover and coup d’etat of their mother’s attention. All of these circumstances make for an unsettled mother.

If you are super laid back and go with the flow (then good for you) then you may not slip into anxiety, but if you are prone to worry then this may be a challenging time. I tend to feel off-center, nervous and slightly anxious. Even though I feel this, I just can’t put my finger on why. I keep going, keep moving, keep working to establish a routine and some household consistency and day by day it lessens, but it still surfaces from time to time. During this season in our life my husband works in the evenings, and for the first few months after the birth of our son I got anxious every evening as the sun went down.

The sun going down meant I’d be left alone with two babies, lots to clean up and no help. I’d feel stressed because there was so much to get done and I didn’t have enough arms to do it all. Following some good advice I started managing my expectations of what I’d be able to accomplish in the evenings, and little by little the situation improved.

2) Their health is both under our control and out of our control.

Another reason we feel anxiety is simply this: we are in charge of raising a tiny person. Certain aspects of their health we can control, ie whether they are well fed, clean and monitored. Other parts of their health we are not. Some things that affect babies generally outside of our control are colic, reflux, birth defects and (even typing this word makes me want to pop a handful of xanex) SIDS. We can position our babies to thrive, but ultimately it is out of our hands. At times like this I’m glad I know God (who is bigger than me) is in control.

Because of this fact, however, mothers tend to worry. Are they eating enough? Are they sleeping enough? Why are they so red? They sound like they’re going to cry themselves to death. It is a natural thing to worry about something that you care so much for. You incubated this baby in your belly for 9 months, no wonder you feel so protective. I (because I am truly neurotic) take it to the next level. I hope by typing this, I’ll feel so embarassed that I’ll stop doing it, but somehow I doubt it. I still, and my youngest is 7 months old, wake every 2-3 hours in the night to make sure he is breathing. He sleeps 7:30 to 7:30 solid. I know I should hit the pillow and not wake until they get me up, but I can’t help it. The other night I slept 4 whole hours – FOUR WHOLE HOURS – and thought it was a miracle.

I did the same thing with my daughter – now 19 months – and by the time she was about one year I was able to stop myself and keep sleeping. I don’t use an alarm, I don’t do it on purpose. I just roll over and wake up just enough to know that if I don’t check on him, I’ll never go back to sleep. This, my friends, is anxiety.

[Read more…]

Are your Children Jealous of your phone?

I remember the moment vividly. I was playing with my toddler then reached for my cell phone. She took one look at my phone and burst into tears, while continuing to stare at my phone. I felt horrible and threw it down and went to her. After a few less emotional probably fake cries she stopped. She hadn’t been feeling well, but still, to her the phone meant I was going to a place where she couldn’t join me. An adult cyber world, and she felt left out.

Jealous…of an inanimate object, you say. Well why not? Women the world over are jealous of the TV and mothers are jealous of the playstation. We can be jealous of anything that we feel robs us of desired attention, whether it breathes or not. So, they could be jealous of your smartphone. Not because they don’t have one, but because they feel they don’t have you. Envy is wanting something someone else has. Jealousy is wanting what is rightfully ours.

Back in the day the phone was only used if you were talking on it. Now phones are used for talking, texting, reading, making lists, social networking, games, and just about everything else you can think of. Since a lot of our world can be accessed by our phones we can tend to go through the day using them constantly. There will be times when using our phone is necessary, but I’ve found that the majority of the time I’m on my phone, it isn’t. Maybe I’m the only mother in the world who is tempted to be on her phone a lot, but I have a feeling I’m not.

Thoughts on smart phones.

1) Signs they are jealous of your phone

If they get fussy or angry when you’re using your phone then they could be feeling jealous (anything that vies for their attention they can get jealous of). If they are old enough to say “you’re always playing with your phone” then you know you got a problem.

2) Letting children play games on phones or iPads can be a great thing, but shouldn’t be used as a babysitter

Letting children play games is a good way to show them that the phone is not simply an adult toy, but a tool. Of course games are no substitute for a person as a teacher, but because they are interative kids really enjoy them. We have a doodle app, an app that repeats what is spoken to it, and a memory app. We break them out in waiting rooms, airports, and when we know we need to kill some time and keep the toddler happy. As long as they are not given to the child willy nilly all day just to occupy them so you can do other things, I think they’re a good treat!

3) Interval checks

I do best when the phone is far away from me. I used to make fun of the early iphoners who would’t carry on a conversation without stopping to google something. “Hmm, I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow?” “Oh, I’ll tell you right now.” I must admit, information at my fingertips takes some mystery out of life for me. If I am playing with the kids and have the phone nearby I am tempted to use it every time a thought comes into my mind that I want an answer or resolution for. I find that if I put the phone in another room with the ringer on then I can just forget about it. Every hour or few hours I’ll go make sure nothing totally life shattering has been tweeted, and then I’ll leave it again. It helps me stay in the real world, my kids’ world.

4) Don’t let it be a mystery they can’t share

Sometimes when I have to make a call or do something that actually is important, I see my toddler standing under me staring at me inquisitevely. So when I can, I show her what I am doing. “See, we are calling daddy” or “0-4-3-3-6..” That helps her to feel involved and, after a second or two, she goes about her merry way. Kids easily grow tired of things, but if something is never available or elusive to them, they will not only not grow tired of it, they will become increasingly more interested.

5) Being available to everyone else all the time isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

I read a great article recently saying that being a good friend does not mean you’re available 24/7. Then I read a postcard on pinterest that said “Sorry, I’ve been a crap friend lately. It’s because I’ve been busy being an awesome mom!” I think both are true. Sometimes, we need to not actually be available. Sometimes we can miss a call or a text or a message and, I don’t know, get back to them a few days later. In this day of instant communication we feel pressured to respond immediately and be available every waking moment. I actually find the less “plugged in” I am, the better. Don’t get me wrong. I love smart phones and tablets and all the rest. But some balance is in order.

Ten years ago the TV might have been the child’s competition and now it may be our phones. Half the time we are probably taking pictures of them and posting them on instagram, but our kids don’t know that! Rule of thumb, if the thought of leaving your phone in another room for the whole morning seems impossible to you then maybe, just maybe, you should test yourself. See if leaving it there enriches your time with your tots!

Scheduling + Routine

Scheduling & routine are dirty words in some circles. How does the clock know when your baby is tired or sleepy? So you starve them if it isn’t “time” to eat? I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty debate of attachment parenting vs. parent-directed feeding. Here I want to lay out some reasons that – no matter your personality type or parenting preference – routine benefits both your children and you.

1) Kids gain security from knowing what is next. Your children will behave better having some idea of the order of things. This is why a bedtime routine is so important because it gives the kids time to realize what is happening and to adjust their mood and disposition accordingly. If you let your kids play wildly in the evening and then – bham – pj’s and off to bed, you may have kids in bed but awake for a few hours. Smaller children particularly benefit from routine because they are not crying and fussing wondering if they are in charge of telling you when their next meal is. With both my children I found they are/were rarely fussy (except the occasional evening and during teething) because they know what happens. I’ve never forgotten to feed them and I feed them well and, because they are not the boss of life, they can and do trust me. On a mission trip in South Africa they had an interesting concept of time. They told us the clock didn’t rule them but, instead, they went by a “one thing must happen before the other thing does” mentality. So, even if something was technically 3 hours late, you didn’t jump schedule. Granted, that would kill me, but even if you hide the clocks, you can at least have a certain order to your day that brings familiarity to your kids.

2) You gain sanity and can carve out guaranteed rest. Part of what is exhilarating/exhausting about parenthood is the constant changes and surprises each day brings. If you are anything like me (and I am sure you hope you aren’t) then you have a few things in mind each day you want to accomplish. If all order was thrown out the window and those things didn’t get done, plus new things were added, instead of feeling excited for my kids’ bedtime so I could relax, I’d feel even more stressed because now I’m doing household management (cleaning, paying bills, tidying up, catching up on emails, etc.) until late. That leaves no time for reading, movies, or relaxing. Instead, I plan our day to include “me time.” Each morning we rise, eat breakfast, and actively play for around an hour. By actively play, I mean that I am on the floor with them shaking the rattle or helping color or reading books or whatever else they appear to like doing. It is quality time and gets the day started off on the right foot. Then, I put the baby down for a nap and put my toddler in her room for “independent play time.” She occupies herself (I return frequently and covertly to supervise, of course) for about an hour while I work (I work remotely from home), read or simply rest. Afterwards, we play some more and then have lunch. After lunch, at the same time so as to maximize my free time, they both go down for a nap and I work again. Then up, play, dinner, bath and bed. The time may vary slightly (although not by much because my kids are metabolised to our schedule) and the activities may change but the routine stays the same. And….by bedtime I actually have time to sew, do some project, write or read.

[Read more…] about Scheduling + Routine

What I Learned when my Baby Ruined my Bedding

For some reason the adult bed in the house is our hangout. Maybe because it’s comfy and my daughter likes to stand up and fall down. Maybe because I like to lay somewhere soft now and again. Maybe because I lay them on it before a shower or bath. That is when it happened. I like to put on my bathing suit and take both of them into the shower. In my mind, it helps prevent fear of water and gives them a little fun. I had the toddler and baby naked and ready to get into the shower. I walk away for five seconds leaving the baby on the bed and – you guessed it – rear escape of recently digested dinner. All. Over. The. Bedspread. Okay, I got it 50% off at an end of the year sale. But it was thick, pretty, and not dry cleanable. I learned a few things after the not-so-disastrous-but-highly-annoying-event.

1) Many of the things we get annoyed at our children for are our own faults. Baby Boy had to go to the bathroom. That isn’t his fault and actually it’s a good thing. I’m glad his system is-a-workin’. The fact that he seriously stained the bedspread is my own fault because I – the adult here – left him there. We get irritated at toddlers for going through our purses, yet we leave them within their reach. We get annoyed at repetitive disruptive behaviors, but we don’t bother correcting or disciplining those behaviors. I heard it said once that most behaviors our children have are our own faults. We are in charge of the correction, discipline, praise, punishment and rewards in the house.

2) White gets a bad rap, but it is actually much more practical. People say you can’t have white upholstery or fabrics in a house with children, but you know what? You can bleach white. You know what you can’t bleach? Teal and ivory suede.

3) It is actually always better to be safe than sorry. Sure, my comforter doesn’t really matter and I can always get a new one. Or, even if I don’t, oh well. The point is that kids are unpredictable, fast and delicate. Too close to the edge of the bed and they could fall. Don’t lock the door and they can go out the front door. I’m not suggesting being paranoid (like I am) but I always tend to operate on a “better safe than sorry” mentality and don’t shortcut. As I said the other day, shortcuts never end well.

4) I have lightened up since having children. Before having children something like a ruined comforter would have made me flip out. I would have been ~~angry~~ passionate about the whole situation and had to take a while to calm down. After I saw the damage, because I heard the disaster from a few feet away, I just laughed. He laughed, I laughed and, well, we just took that shower we were waiting for.

Life is all about the little things that become memories that become stories. Maybe I’ll find another comforter (or doona, as they call it here in Australia) 50% off here soon. And if I do, I’ll make sure it’s white.

Related Reads:

How Long until you See Results?

Parenting is often a guessing game. I don’t know what’s wrong with her….she can’t talk yet. I think she’s teething…or she’s sick, or she’s just fussy. I don’t know why my child is angry, is it something I did or something that happened at school? Is the rash an allergic reaction, because of the new detergent, or because I caught her eating ants outside yesterday?

When something is going on we don’t like or even worse, that is dangerous or health-related, sometimes we have to get in there, get our hands dirty and start troubleshooting. The child used to sleep through the night and has stopped. The baby used to eat a lot and now refuses the breast, bottle or puree. She used to be a happy toddler and now she constantly throws tantrums and screams. My child used to talk to me and now acts like they hate me. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

My first port of call when something funny going on is to visit my Weight Test + Measure strategy. In short, this is where you (a) weigh what is happening, (b) test out your chosen plan of action, and (c) measure if it worked or not and what you need to tweak. Just typing that reminds me of all the required science projects I had to do growing up. I hated science projects. But since this works, and the scientific method has been going strong for a while, I think this is a good mother friendly version without having to put anything on a trifold board.

So, you have identified a problem (lying, stealing, hitting, kicking, tantrums, ignoring you, etc.) and you have thought of a good strategy to eradicate this behaviour. Now what? How long do you have to wait until your used-to-be-a-bundle-of-joy turns a new leaf and starts to respond to your measures? Well, it depends on the issue, but, it can be as soon as a few days or as long as a couple of weeks.

Kids are emotional and superficial so their behaviour can be changed a lot sooner than an adult’s behaviour. I don’t mean that as an insult, simply a remark on their emotional maturity and development levels. Behaviors can often go rather quickly, particularly if it is a new or development related (climbing on everything, screaming, etc.) since it hasn’t been around all that long anyway.

Some thoughts and timelines.

Read These While You’re At It

The Danger of Over-correcting An Ounce of Prevention Never let this battle start

How to Help Your Children Aim For Excellence Not Perfection

1) Sullen emo teenager example.

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours gives a great and oh so normal example of a sullen teenager who only answers questions with a “I don’t know” or some unintelligible grunting. To be honest, the thought of my little ones becoming teenagers makes me want to temporarily OD on Diet Coke and Reese’s. His strategy may surprise you. He says that the best way to handle this is to stop asking the kid anything. Stop asking how they are, how their day was, what they did at school, or how they are feeling. What? Act like you don’t care? No. Still love, serve and show attention, but stop trying to get “in” there.

In his vast experience as a counsellor, it can be as little as a few weeks before the kid starts volunteering things and engaging the parent in conversations. Kids have an innate need to be loved and, if you continue to show you are there but stop forcing it, their desire to connect will be given freedom to shine. It is a natural thing for a teenager to pull away and act unloveable to see if you really love them. Let’s file this away for future years.

2) Pacifier take-aways, cry-it-out lags (if you so choose them), and schedule changes can take as little as a few days.

Some behaviours can be corrected even in a day or two if you’re consistent. I’m sure there are a million ways to do it, but for the pacifier, I recommend cold turkey take-away. Tell them (if they are of an age where they will understand) that they have until “Friday” and then paci goes bye bye. After a day or two of fussing, crying and irritability they’ll just get over it. If you know it’s coming then you are better able to withstand. Same with controlled crying to establish healthy sleep patterns.

Whether you agree with this or not, most mothers find themselves at a point where they know the child is well fed, has a clean diaper, and is not sick…but they won’t go to sleep. Usually, a little bit of controlled crying goes a long way. After a day or two of this, Babywise says 3-5 days max, they will stop crying when they stir in the night or for a nap, and will just go back to sleep on their own. They will do this when they see that crying has no benefit. As a general rule, things that happen frequently throughout the day (i.e., behaviours having to do with meal times or sleep times) can be corrected in a few days since there is multiple times a day for the child to learn the lesson.

3) Screaming, kicking, whining, etc.

These behaviours are a bit like trick candles. You snuff them out and, what the heck, they light back up a little while later. I have found that when kids are well rested and have full bellies they are generally less prone to extreme bouts of screaming, kicking or biting. When it does crop up and there is a swift disciplinary measure (whatever you would choose, tap on the hand, time out, spanking, etc.) each and every time, this behaviour should diminish each day until, after a few weeks, it is a rare occasion. They will, however, crop back up when the child is angry, bored, frustrated, and very often when they are tired. Just keep up the discipline, try not to scream, and the phase should pass.

4) Consistency will determine how soon you see results.

No matter what the behaviour or your reaction, consistency is the key. Kids will try to make you reason with them (here is what I think of that) and will push the envelope to make sure you mean business. After your child (no matter their age) knows that you love them AND that you mean business, then they will more often than not fall into line with your discipline. If the rule at your office was “three tardies and you’re fired” then people would come to work on time as though their job depended on it. Kids are the same. If they know what will happen if they don’t comply, unless it is a highly emotion moment for them, they will generally do your bidding. But, you must be consistent. Lack of consistency confuses children and makes them resent your authority over them (what I think of that here).

So, all in all, most behaviors in younger children won’t take too long to correct if you’re disciplined, consistent, and don’t back down. It won’t be an hour or two. But, if you set it in your mind that it’ll take some time but be worth it, you’ll be able to push through the tough days!

PS – For more thoughts on parenting visit the archives!

“The 5 Love Languages of Children” book review

You are probably thinking, if I read the 5 Love Languages then won’t this book just repeat everything? To a certain extent, yes of course, but let’s think of it another way.

Is there a difference in making your spouse feel loved romantically and making your children feel loved maternally? Uh, I believe so. That, my friends, is why it’s worth reading!

Here’s how this book is different and worth the read!

1) How discipline relates to love languages.

Time out can have no effect on one child and send another into an emotional fit. Spanking can leave one child sullen for days while another acts as though it never happened. It gives great insights here!

2) How learning is related to a child’s love language.

This one sentence surprised me, but made such sense afterwards. “For a child to be able to learn well at any age, he must be at the emotional maturational level of that particular age.” (p.148) Here they discuss how showing love, respect and keeping children emotionally healthy contributes to learning.

3) Anger and Love.

The author goes so far as to say “It may surprise you that the primary lifetime threat to your child is his or her own anger” (p. 160). So true. Anger is the root of depression, aggression and many other unhealthy things.

It discusses how you can help your child to let out their anger in fruitful ways so they are able to act freely and maturely without being controlled by their own emotions. Very helpful.

All in all, similar to the 5 Love Languages book but with enough of a twist and various examples to be well worth the read!

Related Reads:

What I Learned at the Public Pool

We don’t have a pool. I wish it were different, and being a Florida girl at heart who swam almost every summer day growing up, it can tend to gnaw at your insides. So, in an effort to be content with where we’re at and still get to swim, we go to the nearby public pool. We went to the pool the other day for a few hours and this is what I learned.

1) Kids are in serious need of affirmation these days. As I was sitting on the curb watching my daughter, I pass a “my you’re a fish” here and a “what a pretty pink hat” there and a “boy, you are a brave one” around. Before I knew it I had a gaggle of kids just hanging out by the edge talking to me. They wanted to show me their tricks, tell me about their siblings and just talk. I could literally see how much the effect of one compliment from a total stranger had on their emotional mood in that moment. For a kid to forget swimming and sit (in 5 inch water) just to talk to a grown-up shows the desperate state of children in the world today.

2) It’s okay to have a cautious kid. I spend far too much time worrying, and one thing I’ve worried about is whether or not my toddler is afraid to try new things. She’d slowly go down the steps, go towards the centre, splash, gently get down on all fours, dip her face in, all the while looking dainty and cautious. Then I had a moment. I have them frequently. I realised that she is not scared, she is simply wise. Sure, some kids will be naturally more adventurous and run and take risks. But, having a child who sees need for precaution when entering a body of water, is not a bad thing. I think my oldest daughter will be one who considers her actions before just diving in (pun intended). And, truth be told, I think that’s okay.

3) Things that are normal in one country may get you dirty looks or incessant praise in another. Australia is maybe skin cancer capital of the world. School kids are required to wear hats and there are skin cancer screening clinics around every corner. At the pool, I have my daughter in normal little bathing suits (as in, a one pieces) that we get from the States. Some people have given me the proper evil eye as though I am trying to permanently damage my daughter’s skin. Never mind that she has SPF 50 caked on so thick she looks like a Victorian queen. I am redeemed, however, by the other half of mothers. They go on about how cute my daughter’s swimsuits are because here, I think you can only find wetsuit tops and bottoms (rashers) in her size. I tell myself to ignore the dirty looks since two hours in the sun with enough sunscreen on to drown a rat won’t hurt her. And I thank my mother for the end of season clearance suits she scores for a prize in the States. Ah well, you win some you lose some.

Related Reads:

Why There’s No Sense in Reasoning with Toddlers

Reasoning with toddlers is a bad habit to start. I am going to explain ways to avoid meltdowns and when it is necessary to avoid battles for everyone’s sanity.

Have you ever been challenged to a dual? Chances are, if you’re raising children… you have!

I’m referring to the one-on-one battle of the wills, if you will.

Never fear, stay steadfast, and realize what is really happening with your toddler here:

Your child is not able to navigate reasoning the situation. So… truthfully, there’s just no sense in reasoning with toddlers.

Don’t get me wrong, children need to be in conversation about their feelings, likes, and dislikes. This is very important. However, when it comes to certain things… reasoning usually turns into meaningless arguing.

Let’s take a closer look at why reasoning with small children is not a good habit to start.

While babies, toddlers and younger children can be fairly logical – i.e., if I cry mom will come, if I smile I’ll get smiled at, if I scream I’ll get what I want, etc. – they are primarily emotional beings.

Because they are emotional and into instant gratification, attempting to rationally and logically reasoning with toddlers will not work. It will leave you both frustrated.

Here are some thoughts on reasoning with toddlers:

Reasoning with Toddlers Leads to Loss of Authority

There will be times when you ask them what they want and you give it to them. Then, there will be times when you have required them to do something and they are trying to get out of it.

If they have effectively engaged you in a power struggle then you’re already behind.

Before the struggle gets fully under way, you must act in a way to curb it:

A power struggle goes something like this, “Do what I say and follow my instructions, I’m the boss” to which they repeatedly reply “No, I don’t want to. No!!”
If you push too hard and don’t leave room for your little one’s emotions, you’ll come into their counter will
Toddlers will respond to authority when structure is in place and they know what to expect.
Reasoning limits your authority and places it into their little hands to analyze and “accept” or “deny.”

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

Choice is Healthy, Power Struggles Are Not

Choices are a good thing.

They teach decision-making skills and how to deal with Logical Consequences. It is good training for them and allows them freedom of expression and individuality.

Reasoning with toddlers is different than giving them healthy choices. Reasoning is when you’re trying to cajole them into doing something.

A choice is:

Picking out your own clothes,
choosing their snack,
or, selecting an activity or game to play.
Which book can I read you?
What puzzle do you want to do now?

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Discipline with Dignity

Discipline shouldn’t feel like a battle or a shot in the dark. This workshop gives you a clear, balanced plan for setting boundaries that build respect and responsibility—without yelling, harsh punishments, or constant power struggles.

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Bargaining Doesn’t Work

Bargaining is a bad habit… and it’s a habit that sticks if you’re not careful. Let me explain:

If a child learns early that bargaining works on you, it only gets worse the older they get.

Kids are better bargainers than those guys working the markets in Europe.

$50? No? $35? as he follows you down the aisle. $15? Final offer!

“Sold,” you say thinking, “Aha, sucker!” as you walk away with your fake pearl badly plated adjustable ring that breaks twenty minutes later when you dig your diet coke out of your purse.

Bargainers are crafty and they are persistent.

If the rule is “you can’t go to the park if your homework isn’t done” then that’s it. When park time rolls around and they haven’t done their homework, then they start in.

“I’ll do it when I get back. So-and-so never has to do his homework. Don’t be so mean. You never let me have any fun.”

This is where you start singing your favourite song in your head to block them out or you go to another room. Whatever your method, forget the park. The park is no longer an option. You have stood your ground. You know that reasoning with toddlers doesn’t work.

So much of parenting revolves around being consistent and staying true to your word. If you say something off the table, that going back on your word leads to bargaining children… and they wont stop!

It’s as simple as this:

Let your “yes” be yes.
Let your “no” really mean no.
Don’t fold under pressure.
Instead, offer a peaceable retailiation.
If you’re already in the habit of bargaining, offer negative consequences for an offered bargain. This works like a charm…

Read: Quiet time (Rest time) for Toddlers: All You Need to Know

Toddlers Only Know What They Want

Toddlers are emotional and want- what they want… right now! The truth is, they don’t actually know what’s good for them.

The whole point of Discipline is to teach them to do what is best for them. Discipline should not just be synonymous with punishment.

Discipline actually means training. It’s out job to train our children and that involves being the authority to say “no” without having to deal with a meltdown.

Toddlers are emotional and, while fairly logical, they are still childish. So… understand that you are the parent and you know what is best.

Boundaries & Behavior

0-5, 13-18, 6-12

Bye, Bye Backtalk

Backtalk isn’t just annoying—it’s draining, discouraging, and makes even the simplest requests feel like full-blown negotiations. This workshop will give you a step-by-step plan to stop the constant pushback and start building respectful, two-way communication with your kids. Because when you know how to hold boundaries and help your child feel heard, the fight fizzles—and connection takes its place.

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Reasoning with Toddlers Does Not Make Them Weary

Kid’t don’t grow battle weary like adults. In fact, the opposite seams to be true. They gain energy and spitefulness from arguing.

Trying to reason your decisions with your toddlers will eventually lead to many arguments that will tire you out.. not them.

Long before they are finished crying/screaming/reasoning/pouting/fussing you are ready to throw in the towel.

You’ll eventually give in…

“Fine, who cares, it’s not a big deal anyway, just be quiet,” you are thinking.
If you engage with them then it may be hard to outlast them.
The way to avoid power struggles is to not let them get started in the first place.
If you ask them to do a chore and they say no, depending on their age, either take them to that area and get them started or remove them from the current situation to time out (or your family equivalent).
If they are watching TV and ignoring you, turn the TV off. Don’t even engage them in battle.

Children are the best things in the world and, most of the time, it is truly our pleasure to please them.

Sometimes, however, when it’s for their own good, we have to know when to dig our heels in.

Sources:

What I Learned at a birthday party

I planned a birthday party for my boss recently. I have yet to enter the birthday-party-every-weekend phase of life since my children are a little young for that, but boy did I get a taste of what’s to come.

Here’s what I learned:

1) Adults are way more concerned with party decor than kids. Back before pinterest we could only compare our party efforts to those of our friends and neighbours. Now, oh goody, we can compare ourselves to women all over the world. Three yards of multi-patterned fabric bunting with embroidered monogram. Pom poms, topiaries and garland – homemade – of course. When I was growing up there was a $2.50 Happy Birthday banner from Wal-Mart and some balloons. Did we have fun? I’m pretty sure we did. I don’t recall hearing a friend say “man, this party would sure be kickin’ if Jimmy had his name on the wall in decoupage letters.” Party favours. I mean really. No favour bag? Sorry, my favour was looking after your child for two hours and giving her sugar.

2) Kids don’t need fancy food. Gone are the days of cake from Publix and vanilla ice cream. Now it’s a whole new species. In 2012, we budget for birthday parties year round. Entire tables of food that make a pop sound. Cupcakes with life-size butterflies, rose petals and miniature dachsunds made of fondant. Cake balls and mini tarts and a whole assortment of food children don’t even like. Now, don’t get me wrong. I did slave away in the kitchen making cupcakes and rainbow coloured sugar cookies. Know what the kids wanted? Smarties and teddy grahams. I would have felt slightly demoralised had I not seen the adults scarfing down the cupcakes. Glad the chaperones were pleased.

3) Entertainment is where it’s at. There was a clown at this party. A clown who, for two whole hours, entertained the kids. He played pass the parcel (Australia’s version of hot potato). He chased and ran and danced and sang. He let the kids hit him with the balloon animals he made. The children were screaming with laughter and the adults, well, they just sat back and ate cupcakes. My kind of party.

If us parents could stop competing with the phantom Pinterest Stepford Wives and forfeit the neurotic comparison game, we just might have more fun.

Related Reads:

Honor Respect + Authority

7 Secrets of Successful Families puts it like this:

“The parents who do not exercise righteous authority and require their children to obey and honour them aren’t only creating problems for themselves and society; they are also cursing their children with a life of problems….We must unapologetically begin to exercise righteous parental authority. It is an essential element for domestic success and survival. When proper parental authority is present, it creates the framework for lasting, loving relationships. When it is absent, it invites the most horrible influences from within and without to destroy one’s marriage and family.”

Everybody answers to somebody. Even the President of the United States answers to others. We all answer to God. No one is an island! It is essential that our children know the value and safety that comes with respecting their parental authority. In fact, when they rightfully honour and obey their parents they are taken care of, provided for, and trained in a way that allows them to blossom and contribute positively to both society and their own future families.

Parents, by position, have a certain authority. They know more, they are the breadwinners, and they birthed the baby. This is not a master/slave relationship, but more of a mentor/mentee relationship. Part of a parent’s job is to teach, train, discipline, grow, and shape the little human into the big human they will become. However, human nature rears its ugly head oh-so-early and little ones think they know it all. No, I don’t need to eat. Yes, I need to stay up until 3am playing xbox. No, I don’t need to do my homework. Yes, I need to talk on the phone for 13 hours.

Part of our role as a parent is to show children the wise way, the way that is good for them. That won’t always be the thing they want to do, in fact, the younger they are, it will often be the exact opposite. When children respect your authority and position and learn that you mean business, they will – if reluctantly – follow your lead. By doing this they’ll grow in self-control and after experience up on experience they’ll begin to see that maybe – just maybe – you know what you’re talking about. (If you, in fact, do know what you are talking about).

Some points on honouring, obeying, and respecting authority:

1) Parents run the house, not the children. The dynamic of the home with children and without children will surely be different, but this doesn’t mean a child’s whim reigns supreme. Meal time may be earlier (and wake time, for that matter). The home decor may take on a bit more of a, um, plastic primary colour scheme. Routine that best serves the child will be followed, and so on and so on. However, a house where the parents “wear the pants” will be one of order. Plans won’t change and a child doesn’t get to determine the path just because they cry, throw a tantrum, give the silent treatment, or lock themselves in their room. This is not to say that parents don’t take into account their children’s wishes. Of course they do. But if everything drops at the first sign of a child’s discontent, there will be major problems when they hit teenage years. Contrary to what we may initially think, letting children make important decisions will only breed their insecurity. Inside, they know they are not as wise as you, they know you are supposed to be the boss, and they know that you have delegated your own authority to them. This will cause disdain and contempt in their attitude towards you. [Read more…] about Honor Respect + Authority

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Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

1) How discipline relates to love languages.

2) How learning is related to a child’s love language.

3) Anger and Love.

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Reasoning with Toddlers Leads to Loss of Authority

Choice is Healthy, Power Struggles Are Not

A choice is:

Bargaining Doesn’t Work

It’s as simple as this:

Toddlers Only Know What They Want

Reasoning with Toddlers Does Not Make Them Weary

You’ll eventually give in…

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)