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How Mothers Save Lives

john deere trucks

The other week I was leading a monthly women’s series at our church on Lioness Arising. The chapter was about how lionesses protect and look out for the lions and the cubs in their pride. The example was this. A lion and two lionesses had been kept in captivity and were to be released. They were kept in an enclosure near the big open reserve marked for them and it was time for them to be released back into the wild. The gamekeepers didn’t feed the lions for a few days and then put a dead buck out into the open reserve and pulled back the gate to the enclosure.

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

  • pinpoint an issue
  • draw out how it’s affecting you
  • label what you don’t like about it
  • determine areas of responsibility
  • figure out how it’s showing up
  • say what you’d rather happen
  • brainstorm solutions

The idea was that the lions would just go out to eat and then be free. However, they didn’t. They waited and waited. Finally, one lioness went into the reserve to the buck and looked back to her sister lioness, who followed her. They got to the buck and then – lo and behold – didn’t stop and eat. What did they do? They dragged the buck back into the enclosure so the lion could eat his share as well. The idea was that the lionesses, though starving, weren’t just in it for themselves, they were in it for their family. Later, when the gamekeepers had to take the collar off of the alpha lion, the men had to sedate the lioness. They had to sedate her because they could not get near the lion with her awake, aware and alert. She simply would not leave her family vulnerable.

The question I asked myself and the ladies present that evening was this. Who is left vulnerable if we are not alert, awake and aware? Who runs the risk of getting “attacked” if we are sleeping or distracted? It got me thinking… we mothers… we actually save lives all the time. 

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“Her Mother’s Hope” and “Her Daughter’s Dream” Book Reviews

If you haven’t read a Francine Rivers book yet… then you have a few gallons’ worth of tears the rest of us have previously shed. This two book series shines a light on how our parenting and our experiences can impact our children for generations.

Extremely cold, aloof and unhappy people generally did not come from loving and emotionally healthy families. Loving and emotionally healthy children generally do not come from hyper dysfunctional and unloving families.

I highly recommend these books although I must say I wanted to quit reading many times but kept pushing through in hopes that the end result would redeem some of the pain.

Life ain’t always pretty and these books don’t sugar coat, but they are encouraging and helpful when thinking in light of our parenting ideas and strategies.

Good questions to ask ourselves in light of these books. 

[Read more…] about “Her Mother’s Hope” and “Her Daughter’s Dream” Book Reviews

Discipleship + Mentoring in Parenting (do what we see the Father doing)

a mother far from home

As parents, it’s such a privilege to be able to teach our children the things of life that matter most. What we model and prioritize will have a huge influence on the way develop and how their characters form. They will value no one else’s word above yours, nor will they desire anyone else’s love, attention and affection more than they’ll desire your own. While it’s a weighty thing to ponder, I believe that we can parent with peace knowing that our children learn far more from who we are than from what we say. It means we don’t have to know everything. We simply have to live out what we do know, and live it out well. 

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To Spank or Not to Spank… is that really the question?

a mother far from home to spank or not to spank

Most moms would probably say that spanking is saved for extreme offences so the parent can communicate their point with grave importance. Whether spanking is or isn’t effective isn’t what I’m here to debate, although I’m happy to hear your opinions on the matter. Oh, I love opinions. When opinions are said with great force they just seem so… true, don’t they? I’m also not here to debate whether spanking is abusive or not here. Although I’d love to hear your opinion on that too.

I’ve heard some interesting thoughts on spanking recently and wanted to put them down all together as some food for thought. Some consider spanking bending your child over with a paddle. Some consider a smack on the bum spanking. For the purposes of this article, you can interpret it however you like.

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What I learned as a stay-at-home-mom with an identity crisis

Stay at Home Mom in Identity Crisis | A Mother's Identity Crisis | Stay at Home Mom

I’ve had a hard time of it recently. Not in a pity party way, but in a grieving-what-I-thought-my-life-would-look-like-but-what-it-is-not kind of way. I don’t regret decisions that I’ve made to be a stay-at-home-mom, simply that there is a transition that inevitably happens, and it is perfectly good and right to grieve the freedoms lost.  Being real and honest about where we’re at emotionally helps us move forward in a healthy way. I realized what was going on, basically, was I found myself in a stay at home mom identity crisis.

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Taking a snapshot this day in time, my life has not quite turned out like I thought it would. From childhood I had certain expectations and things I took for granted about myself that have not (yet?) happened. Some things I have now in life are better than I ever could have hoped for, but there are still things that I expected I’d have, which I don’t, and this brings feelings of disappointment and loss. Where these expectations came from, who knows, but the fact is our expectations play a huge part in our mental health. What we expect, no matter how ridiculous or out there, has power over us because with unfulfilled expectations comes disappointment, heartache and sadness.

I had these hard thoughts the other day.

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What’s The Difference Between Childish Behavior and Foolishness?

Is my child simply having childish behavior or are they acting in foolishness? Here is some insight on those behaviors and also how to train in order to prevent unwanted situations from happening.

It’s a given fact…

As a parent, you’re going to eventually experience some “less than desirable” behavior out of your children.

But the question that every parent has to face it this:

Is this behavior childish or foolish?

First, let’s discuss the difference in childish behavior and foolishness…

The book entitled On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Buckman talks about this very topic. It explains that Childish Behavior is accidental and done because your child is naive.

In other words, a childish act is not down out of spite, but rather because he or she does not understand the rules or know the appropriate behavior.

Foolishness is when your child is acting out of direct defiance for a rule THAT he or she understands.

With this understanding, a parent can react appropriately with each type of behavior.

Obviously, our first reaction to unwanted behaviors is important, because it determines how our child responds (either through a learning experience or through chastisement.)

emotional needs of a child

In the early years, I like to err on the side of “childish.” I make my first assumption be that the behavior was done out of childishness rather than foolishness.

As your child gets older and you get to know your child better, you will have a good idea if actions were childish or not. That doesn’t mean you will always judge perfectly–I still often think my seven year old is acting foolishly when he is in fact acting out of childishness.

For examples on childishness, foolishness, and in between, see this post: Childishness vs. Foolishness.

Preventing Childish Behavior

Nobody likes to be put in situations where they don’t understand how to behave. This includes children, so they have to be trained.

Prevent childish behavior by teaching your children appropriate behaviors for situations. Help them grow by explaining to them the circumstance they’re in and what your behavior expectation for them is while you’re there.

In other words, teach them ahead of time what is okay and what isn’t okay. It is a parent’s job to Teach What Obedience Looks Like. 

You obviously will not be able to cover every situation before it happens. If you are going into a new situation, however, you can do some training ahead of time to give your child knowledge and tools to prepare for it.

You can read more about this in my post Training in Times of Non-Conflict.

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What does training ahead of time look like?

Before you enter a situation, train your child of appropriate behavior. For example:

  • If you are going to the park, explain that when it is time to go home, your child needs to come to you nicely and without throwing a fit.
  • At home, before you leave, demonstrate what is an appropriate reaction and what is not. Then, ask your child to do the same.
  • When you get to the park, before you exit the car/start to play, remind your child of the rules. Then ask your child to repeat to you what is expected.  This helps you know if your child understands or not. This method is called “Ask and Tell.”

You’re Reaction Matters

After you decide what you’re seeing out of your child is childish behavior or foolishness, consider your reaction.

  • Look at your child, analyze the context of the situation,
  • Think through what your child knows and doesn’t know. You can ask questions of your child if you need to.
  • Once you have determined it was childish (on accident), move on to your reaction of the behavior.

First, react with patience to your child.

This is often easier said than done! When a child spills a cup of milk, it can be very frustrating–even if the spill was just an accident. Do your best to be patient. If you lose your patience, you can lead by example and apologize.

Gently encourage the child in the correct way to act. If a child runs in a place where running is inappropriate, explain to your child what is appropriate. Explain what the child did that was not okay and then instruct on what to do instead. “We do not run in the church. Fold your arms and walk instead.”

Do not make the mistake of simply telling a child what not to do–children benefit greatly with being told what they can do instead.

Think of yourself approaching an intersection and not knowing which way to go. You decide to go straight and I tell you, “No! Don’t go straight!” That doesn’t leave you knowing where you should go, just that I don’t want you going straight. Always remember children are very new to life and need instruction beyond just what is wrong.

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

Boundaries & Behavior

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Then, teach your child to correct the mistake made because of their childish behavior.

Just because something is childish doesn’t mean the mistake can’t be fixed...

If you are in the store and bump into someone on accident, you apologize. You don’t just say, “I didn’t mean to!” and walk off.

If a child spills a glass of milk on accident, it is absolutely appropriate for the child to help clean it up as the child is able. If the child hurts someone, the child absolutely should offer an apology (which, by the way, is often very difficult for children to do–they often do not like apologizing for accidents.

Stress to your children that it is important and okay to apologize for things even if no ill intent was there. The action was still done whether it was intentional or not. See I’m Sorry Vs. Forgive Me for more on this).

Importantly, understand that it’s a learning process.

You also need to have a lot of patience. Be patient with your child’s efforts. Accept your child’s best.

Also realize that children are little scientists.

Let me explain- A child will often repeat behavior that she was told was not okay in an effort to figure out exactly what wasn’t okay.

It’s simple really… this will happen because the child is still building vocabulary. She might not fully understand what you meant when you said it wasn’t okay to blow raspberries while eating. So she will try it again and try it with variations so she can figure out what is not okay and what isn’t okay.

This leads us to the importance of you being consistent in your corrections. You need to consistently correct for behavior so your child has the best chance of learning what she can do and what she cannot do.

Lastly, be careful of your negative reactions.

While children often make mistakes, most children make them innocently. Most children are not trying to make you upset or cause trouble.

Be careful not to assume your child understands all of the rules and social graces of life.

If you have not explicitly taught your child about something, your child likely does not know.

For example: A child points to a stranger and loudly asks why their tummy is so fat/big/large/round. As parents, we are usually quite embarrassed. The child usually has not ever been told that such a question is not polite.

Until they have be taught correctly, it’s still simply childish behavior.

  • Do not expect your child to draw connections. Teaching your child to be quiet in one setting is not going to mean that your child will be able to enter a similar setting and draw the conclusion that it is likely necessary to be quiet in the new setting also.
  • As children get older, they are better able to make those connections and judgement  but younger children are not.
  • Do not freak out. Maintain your “cool.” Be patient with your child. Be kind in correcting. Overreaction on your part will stress your child out. No one likes to be berated for accidents, including children. I guess no one really likes to be berated no matter the reason. Harsh correction can influence self-worth and make children anxious.
  • Encourage your child to improve and keep working at it. Accept our child’s best effort.

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In Conclusion

Have patience for these moments of childish behavior–they happen quite often. You can do your best to prevent them, but you will still encounter childish behavior. Welcome to parenthood 🙂

Developing Trustworthiness: The Do’s + Don’ts

Here are some do’s and don’ts to watch out so you can teach trustworthiness to your children.

Trustworthiness is an important quality we need to invest time in building in the lives of our children. Think about it, do you like to spend time with people you don’t trust?

If you were an employer, would you want to hire people you can’t trust? When thinking about people who have made the biggest positive impact in your lives, were they often very trustworthy?

A trustworthy person is someone who can be relied upon to be honest, truthful, reliable, dependable, credible and safe (source). God calls His children to be trustworthy, and lucky for all of us, it isn’t rocket science.

“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities” (Luke 16:10). 

For mothers, this is very good news! It means that from a young age we can encourage trustworthiness in our children in even the smallest of tasks and matters

DO’S

What you should do to encourage and promote trustworthiness in your children.

1) Do give responsibilities

A clear and easy way to develop trustworthiness and responsibility in your children is to give them age appropriate responsibilities or tasks that you keep them accountable for. It might be a chore or two, or making their bed, picking up their toys, etc.

By giving your children something that they can “own” they will learn to follow through with their projects and carry out what is expected of them.

This will take time, patience and training on the part of the parent, of course, because kids are not naturally going to want to do things they don’t consider fun.

After a while, however, when they know there are consequences to their choices, they will get the idea.

2) Do have consequences when responsibilities aren’t met

If your workplace had a  3-tardies-and-you’re-fired rule that you have seen enforced firsthand, through hell or high water you’d get to work on time. If your co-worker has shown up 20 minutes late every day for a year, you aren’t terribly worried about it.

Our children learn, not in a manipulative way, to follow our lead. If we expect them to clean their room and – when they do not – we do nothing about it, they will quickly learn that they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to since nothing negative happens anyway.

A good way to help train responsibility is by giving a task and then a consequences for failing to do the tasks, or conversely, rewards for completing it.

No park on Friday afternoon if the [insert chore here] wasn’t completed during the week. After a Friday or two of sitting it out they would quickly get the picture.

3) Do explain beforehand clearly what you expect, and why trustworthiness is so important.

Children are born with immature minds. They need their parents to train and explain things. When giving a responsibility it is important to fully explain to your child what you expect of them, what will happen when they do/don’t follow through, and why responsibility is so important.

Trustworthiness is not about promising something to make others happy, but about following through on promises made.

DON’TS

Here are some things to avoid so you don’t inadvertently teach your children that image is more important than truth.

1) Don’t treat children as though they are trustworthy with a task/matter when in fact they are not

If you have told your child not to read under their covers at night and they repeatedly disobey you, then don’t treat them with the trust they have not earned.

Don’t allow them to close their door and “give you their word.” Their word is not trustworthy. A parent would do well to insist the door be left open and periodically check that the child is in fact not reading.

When your child knows that you aren’t just taking their word for it, but that you are taking their deed for it, then they will be more concerned with following your instructions than with telling you their intentions.

If they are not to play the playstation before they’ve finished their homework and yet repeatedly disobey, don’t give them the chance to continue disobeying.

Hide the playstation to a place of your choosing only to be brought out after the homework has been completed and checked for completion by the parent. Trusting people when they have not proven themselves trustworthy never gives them impetus to become a trustworthy person.

On the contrary, it encourages their thinking that it is what we say that matters, not what we do.

2) Don’t have unrealistic expectations that leave children feeling disappointed and unable to perform

Training and teaching responsibility will take years and years and they’ll still be learning it when they leave your house. It is something to be prioritized, but not something that should overburden your child. This is why age appropriate tasks are so important. Starting off very small and then increasing responsibility as they get older will help prevent “burnout.”

Now, responsibility is not necessarily just having your child do a chore. Perhaps it is an activity or task that, after completion, results in a reward. If they visit their elderly neighbour for a chat or help another in their yard, an appropriately exciting reward or privilege can be given.

It isn’t bribing because they still choose to do this of their own volition or not since there’s no punishment if it isn’t completed. It is simply a way to get your child to think about how their actions affect their circumstances.

3) Failing to follow-up to be sure the task is complete

If your child is expected to do certain things or say certain things yet knows they are never checked, they will soon stop worrying about their obligations.

“Make your bed, wash the dishes, do your homework” all become background noise to be ignored when they know that nothing will happen to them if they don’t.

If isn’t a sign you don’t love or trust them to check up on their duties, but simply a way to reinforce that you are the parent in authority and you are aware of what happens under your roof. If they come to you with a “I’ve cleaned my room” then a simple “Great, let’s go check it out” each and every time will prevent them from moving a few piles around on the floor and calling it a day.

In short

One of the qualities I value most in a person is their trustworthiness. I believe that God wants to use all of His children, but many callings and ministries require people of high character and dependability.

If I am not faithful with small things (ie, my own finances, gossip, being a starter finisher) then God would not trust me with handling finances for a ministry, confidential information, or to manage a project near to His heart.

He doesn’t expect us to be perfect or we wouldn’t need Jesus, but we can seek to be as good as our word and faithful with the things God has put before us.

Raising our children to understand the importance of integrity and honesty (NOT what the surface looks like, but what’s really underneath) will help many other areas of life come more easily to them.

They will be naturally placed to be both naturally and supernaturally blessed in their personal, professional and spiritual lives. It isn’t something we beat our children over the head with, but simply something we can start developing from a very young age in small steps.

Having patience, never withholding love and displaying trustworthiness yourself will go a long way in helping bring up trustworthy little Rescuers.

Raising Starter Finishers

raising starter finishers a mother far from home

“Finishing is better than starting.” Eccl. 7:8a

A few years ago now I was at a discipleship school in the UK. The leader of the school often taught us on various subjects and one particular morning she taught us about the importance of being “Starter Finishers.” A starter finisher is by definition – and I’m really taking liberties here – someone who regularly and deliberately finishes what they start. Therefore, by contrast, a non starter-finisher is someone who can start something with ease but finds difficulty following through, finishing or bringing things to completion.

Perhaps you feel that you aren’t a starter finisher, well worry not, it is still something you can try to instil in your children. If you find it hard to finish or get things done then I’m sure you’ll see the value in trying to teach your children how to do it right from a young age. It’s a lot easier to do something that has just always been done than to try to get the discipline and knack for it way later, when you long past need it. There are a few qualities, character traits and signs of a godly person that I don’t feel I possess and you know what, I’m going to try my hardest to prevent my children from following in my footsteps in those areas. Being a starter finisher, however, is something I am. But I wasn’t always. [Read more…] about Raising Starter Finishers

How to prepare your child for another baby (reader Q + A)

A Mother Far from Home

I recently received an email from a dear friend in a similar situation to myself, having babies very close together. My first two are 13 months apart and, as I type, my third bun in the oven will be only 16 months younger than my second. Here’s what she writes.

“I was wondering how did you “prepare” Ella Kate for Judah’s arrival since she was still very young? My daughter will be 15 months when baby No.2 is born and I wonder how she will deal with the fact that another baby will take up a lot of Mama’s time which she previously had all to herself. Especially since at 15 months they are still very dependent on Mama Bear.

 Any thoughts and tips, fire them my way !! -H”

Excellent question, H. I grappled with this topic myself since I knew that my firstborn would be too young to have a conversation about the whole thing. It was more about preparing her as a tiny person to cope with change as opposed to preparing her mind for change, as you would an older child. Here are some thoughts.

1) Get her a baby doll and role play. An aunt suggested I get my oldest a baby doll and roll play changing a diaper, burping and feeding. We would both hold a baby and do this together (as approximate as it was) in hopes that when a real baby came home she would have a frame of reference to put it in. We didn’t do it every day but we did it frequently enough. I tried to hone in the concepts of baby and cry so the noise didn’t bother her, and we just hoped for the best. Then when the baby arrived, I made sure to give my daughter the baby doll and so she could feed, change and burp with me. She didn’t really turn into a copy cat baby mommy, but I think it helped her realize, even at her young age, what I was trying to communicate.

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The difference between protection and over protection

The Difference between protection and over-protection

Perhaps it’s because I am neurotic, paranoid about my children’s physical safety or just because I think too much about things, but the term over-protection has grated on me. I would think “how can you over-protect?” Then, it hit me, when people speak of others – negatively – as being over-protective what they really mean is that the children are being sheltered. Because, after all, protecting our children from harm is a god-given and natural instinct.

Here’s what I think about the difference between protection and over-protection.

PROTECTION IS ABOUT:

1) Health and safety. 

It is our job to teach our children how to stay safe, remain safe, and act wisely. This will encompass many different things from their infancy to their adulthood. At first, we teach them not to climb on bookcases, the sofa, walk into the road or play with knives, the hot oven or the neighbor’s mean dog. As they grow older we teach them about strangers, how to ride a bike, good driving skills, which neighborhoods to avoid, etc. In the training aspect, I believe we can focus on this fairly heavily, though not to the detriment of other areas of training.

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To Breastfeed or not to Breastfeed

to breastfeed or not to breastfeed

I was going to title this article Breastfeeding: Does it or does it not suck? But since I’ve already used that when talking about pacifiers, I thought I’d just be a grown-up and use a nice title.

Now, this article will not enter into the age-old debate on breast vs. bottle. Breastmilk is natural and therefore free and easy. Formula is a medical miracle that enables mothers to feed their babies if their milk supply is low, if they are working full-time, or if they choose to feed by the bottle for whatever other reason. It is a huge blessing that formula is an option today! For us, I had my first child out of my home country and she was born in Scotland, a country with a renown midwifery program and with heavy emphasis on breastfeeding. So that’s why I took the plunge. Additionally, we were stone cold broke so it wasn’t even a choice.

However, I remember having numerous conversations back in the States about breastfeeding and the general consensus was that it was just kind of, well, not weird, but, yeah, sort of weird. Women who, prior to getting pregnant, don’t feel particularly maternal and think that bottle feeding is just easier and less personally invasive.

Even today, as any mother can probably agree, 75% of my Facebook feed are friends who are mothers. And, the majority of my friends from the States are bottle feeders and the majority of my friends from elsewhere are breastfeeders. It makes me think. Perhaps, if most people around you bottle feed and most babies you’ve ever been around (if you’ve been around many) were bottled fed, then many women don’t even consider breastfeeding. [Read more…] about To Breastfeed or not to Breastfeed

“Nurture Shock” book review (children and lying)

If you’ve wondered why children lie, what motivates them, the nurture shock book will help. It’s great parenting advice for families.

I’ve already familiarized you with Nurture Shock. The authors, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, have reviewed research concerning various behaviors children exhibit to see whether our first instinct (or what society say is the best thing to do ) actually works. Why children lie is a great chapter.

I won’t give away all its glory, but this chapter goes into research and studies where children and teenagers have been interviewed and do surveys on how often they lie to their parents.

You’d be shocked.

I would too if I hadn’t already blocked it out in denial.

Thoughts on lying and your child.

1) It’s actually a developmental milestone

While all of us want to think our children are perfect angels and will never commit a sin from the day of their birth until the day they die that is just not how it is.

Lying is a developmental milestone because it shows that their mind has matured to the point where they understand that reality is not the only thing operating here.

Their words can create a reality of their own, if you believe them. It shows their brain is working, functioning and growing. Now, that doesn’t mean lying is okay. It’s not okay at all ever (at least in my book).

But, now you know that when your child kicks, screams, lies, or throws themselves on the floor, that these behaviors are in fact, perfectly normal.

2) It may be cute on a toddler, but it will not be cute when they’re a teenager.

In case you missed my opinion on the phrase They’ll Grow Out of It , suffice it to say that if you don’t deal with lying early and deal with it sharply it will only get worse. A toddler will tell a lie or two to get out of trouble.

If they figure out it works they’ll just hone their skills until they’re a master deceiver and you have no idea what is really going on.

This is super dangerous territory because if you are not aware of what is happening it will be very hard for you to get the situation under control.

You don’t want a teenager so skilled at lying they tell you they’ve eaten lunch at Burger King while they’re holding a Taco Bell bag and you start to believe them.

3) Consider the infraction and the lie two separate offenses.

Nurture Shock says to consider the offense and the lie they tell to cover it up as two separate offences. Therefore, you discipline the offense and then the lie separately. Or the lie compounds the disciplinary measure of the offense.

They color all over the wall while in time out because you were too stupid to remember to take the crayon from them (not that this ever happened, mind you), and then they lie about it.

You are to discipline (in whatever way you see fit or you habitually use) the coloring on the wall and then you are to discipline the cover-up lies.

And, be sure to be clear that they are being disciplined for both. It will teach them that lying about the offense doesn’t make it better, in fact it makes it exponentially worse.

The whole chapter is super interesting and every two minutes I interrupted my husband from his studies to read a paragraph.

The examples given and studies shown were eye-opening. Interestingly enough, if you thought I was smoking crack before I wrote most of my articles, one of their revelations agreed with my whole parenting strategy, if you will.

Teenagers who lied the least to their parents were ones whose parents were firm and consistent in their discipline and consequences. Interestingly enough, these parents were also the warmest to their children.

Just like I thought.

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