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Audience of One

Ever since I heard the song from years back called Audience of One, it’s hit me that ultimately we are accountable to God and God alone. That’s not to say we don’t have earthly responsibilities, obligations and duties towards those around and those we love. However, why we do what we do and how we do what we do isn’t really anyone else’s business. I guess what I’m trying to say is… we care way too much about what others think of us.

I’ve recently been challenged to question why I find it hard to shrug off the comments, criticisms and opinions of others. A few of my friends are going through a similar time of questioning, and it has me thinking. Of course our reputation is important. Of course our integrity and honor are things we guard and value, but ultimately, we aim to be the women we aim to be to please God, not man.

In parenting, looking to others for validation can have devastating effects on our self-esteem and confidence in our abilities to mother. We won’t always do things like other people. We may do things very differently than other people. Some toddlers may go to bed at 9:30pm so they have two hours with their father who works late. We may put our kids into childcare even if we don’t need to work financially. We may see other mothers crying buckets of tears as they leave their child in Kindergarten on the first day of school and feel guilty that we are feeling freedom instead of sorrow. All mothers are different and the burden of comparison is crushing. Let’s think of how we, as mothers, can try to avoid this trap of caring too much what others think.

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The Danger of Over-correcting

I first heard the term “over-correcting” in reference to driving. Imagine driving down the road when you’re suddenly distracted by your toddler attempting an escape from the car seat. You gradually veer to the left as you attempt to keep the fugitive strapped in. When you realize you are heading towards oncoming traffic you quickly jerk the wheel to the right and, instead of the straight direction you were on previously, you’re now headed right fast and in danger of running off the road, into a ditch, or into the pole holding up the McDonald’s sign. Hey-ho, that’s where you were headed anyway, right?

In parenting, over-correcting is when we change our current course drastically in the process of troubleshooting. It often makes it difficult for us to determine the cause of the current issue and is rarely effective.

A prime example of this happened a few months ago when my oldest daughter was 24 months. “All of a sudden” she started taking an hour or two to get to sleep for her afternoon nap. That is, if she took one at all. That time is when I normally work from home so after a few days I was fit to be tied and popping blood vessels all over the place. She stayed in her crib the whole time, but I knew she needed to sleep.

So, I started to put her to bed at 6:30 or 6:45, about 45 minutes earlier than her normal bedtime. I was fearful she would get used to the lack of sleep and like it so I wanted to keep her well-rested. This went on for a few days and then something wonderful started happening. My 24-month old and my 13-month old started to sleep until 8 or 8:15am. I knew it wasn’t the best habit, but did I care? No. Why? I was pregnant and exhausted. I started thinking Babywise was indeed a sleep method from heaven and counted my lucky stars. Unfortunately, it was short-lived.

Read These While You’re At It

An Ounce of Prevention How Long until you See Results?Never let this battle start

How To Push Through the Middle When You Don’t See the Point

Naps continued in a bad fashion until the time change came around, about a month into this bad napping phase. Then, finally, a light bulb went off. She was taking an hour or two to get to sleep therefore having a shorter nap. But, I was putting her down almost an hour early for bed and letting her sleep almost an hour later in the morning. In short, I had increased her nighttime sleep and weaned her of her nap. Accidentally. For shame! I stopped putting her to bed early, started getting her up at 7:30am as per the previous norm, and voila, naps came back to normal. I felt stupid for my mistake, but I was too busy celebrating to care.

Thoughts on over-correction.

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What I Learned when I lost my daughter under the bed

My daughter is 27 months (that’s 2 years and 3 months to those of you who must mentally calculate the whole age-by-month thing) and we recently took the long trip from Australia to Florida. Roughly 24 hours, not tons of sleep and nowhere too comfy to lay our heads. When we left Australia my daughter was sleeping in a toddler bed and the most convenient bed for us to give her in Florida was a queen size bed. Dramatic increase yet – oh the luxury of it all – I felt it’d be fine for her.

We didn’t get them in bed asleep until around midnight because of our late arrival, etc. and so the next morning around 6:30 as I was taking my pregnant self on my hourly ritual to the loo I checked on the kids. My baby boy was sleeping the day away and… my daughter was not in her bed.

Not under the pillows. Not in the closet. Not in between the wall and the bed or, from what I could see, under the bed. My grandmother’s house is 3,100 square foot (which I think is pretty big) and I started running, calling her name, and fighting off panic – and in that order. “Oh no, her first night in a big girl bed and she has climbed out and escaped.” Doors were closed, locked, everything looked undisturbed.

This frantic search carried on for some minutes until my very elderly grandmother woke up, joined the search, and I had called and recruited my mother to come over who had already arrived. Then I heard this little angelic voice. It said “ooowwww, stuck” coming out from under the bed. She had fallen between the bed and the wall and, somehow, gotten fully under the bed and was stuck. And sound asleep until we called for her. I dislodged her and then almost crushed her heretofore unharmed ribs with my hug. And this is what I learned. [Read more…] about What I Learned when I lost my daughter under the bed

Inheritance for your Children’s Children

There is a great verse in Proverbs that says this, “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children” (Proverbs 13:22). In its Hebrew form, it means very literally what it says. An inheritance being possessions, endowments, and allotments. It isn’t metaphorical or allegorical either. However, I’m going to go a little metaphorical here since it’s a Wednesday.

When I was at bible school a few years ago we had a speaker who spoke about a character school they ran. The goal of their school was to test, train and equip in a way that brought out and refined the godly character of the students. They were required to do a lot, to be put through a lot, and to evaluate their own responses and habits in order to weed out some ungodly character flaws. The leader of the school also spoke to us on godly inheritance.

He is from South Africa, though he lives in the UK, and still has family in South Africa. When his children were born he bought them each a few head of cattle to be kept in South Africa by his father. The years went by and the number of cattle continues to grow. Their plan is that when each of the children turn 18 they can use this inheritance to put a down payment on a house. It is not a lofty goal, but one that requires forethought.

While he spoke of an inheritance financially, there are other types of inheritances we leave with our children and then our children’s children. Let’s look at some.

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When Does Having Material Things Become Materialism?

Are you worried about raising children in this generation who struggle with materialism. I believe there’s a ditch on both sides of the road on this one. Here are some thoughts on what it means to value the eternal things of God in reference to our every day life:

With the holidays around the corner, having lots of material things is something that I’ve been thinking about. And… it may not be exactly what you think.

Sometimes I think that it’s just that parenting in this century is driving us crazy.

In any case, taking about “stuff” from a Christian standpoint can be multifaceted and appear confrontational.

Honestly, this is one of those topics that upsets people.

Some who are fond of storing treasures in heaven think that having nice things is just plain unspiritual.
Others will argue that being poor is unwise and stupid- if you’re spiritual or not.

Luckily, I am not hanging around to incite debates on what materialism is and what it isn’t. I’m also not arguing If someone is more “spiritual” because they only let their kids wear hand-me-downs.

I just want to think about what it means to store treasures in heaven and how that might contradict with the materialistic and superficial aspects of life.

These things are so prevalent in our culture today.

Our kids are inundated with stuff.

Stuff here, there, everywhere and someone who has far less stuff than you might still have one thing that is the very thing you want and don’t have.

Someone will always have nicer clothes, more toys (hardware or vehicles), and a bigger house than you.

How do we bring our kids up with a balanced view of appreciating the fruits of our labor with knowing where true value lies?

Hmm, I wish I knew. I can, however, think of some places to start.

Money is Not Negative

I think that some Christian circles can view wealth and money as taboo. They may always associate wealth is materialism. Some think that if you have a lot, then you aren’t very spiritual.

Other Christian circles view money as a sign of God’s favour. If you’re broke then you must be a high sinner.

I’ll argue that balance is key. Money is not the enemy and, in fact, the more money that the Kingdom has at its disposal the better, in my opinion.

Read These While You’re At It

40+ Ways Moms Can Help Their Kids Earn Money (And Save & Spend Too)

8 Clever Money Habits To Help You Weather Financial Emergencies

A Crucial Conversation to Have with Kids Before They Open Presents

Are you parenting within your means? (and I’m not really talking about money…)

However, the Bible says it’s the love of money that is the root of evil (1 Tim. 6:10).

So, as Paul communicates (Phil. 4:12), the longer we’re on a journey with God we’ll more than likely now what it’s like to be in seasons of plenty and seasons of drought.

These droughts are valuable times because they teach us that we can survive and thrive and depend on God even when we aren’t helping to buy our financial planner’s yacht.
Then, when a season of plenty comes back around we actually view money as a means to an end as opposed to a destination.

A Mother’s Response

Taking a Look at the End of Life Scenario

Sometimes I stop and think “will I care in the slightest about this on my deathbed?”

When I start to obsess over something (a frequent occurrence for personalities like mine, of which I hope for your own sake you don’t have).

I go back to this…. will it matter when I’m 90?

I often imagine myself nearing 100 with my house full of about 85 people, my kids, their spouses, their kids, their kids, some dogs and a stray neighbour or two coming in and out of my room as I lay on my bed old, wise and ready to meet God.

I think “will it matter if I built the kid’s sandbox myself or if I bought a pre-made one from the hardware store?” A materialism viewpoint would say that it does.

Is it silly to think like this? Maybe. But is it effective in balancing myself out? Yes! If we can learn to live our life in the present based on what we know has life long memorable value then we won’t be able to help but communicate this to our children.

As they age…

we be able able to discuss these matters with them and
get into deep and meaningful conversations that really get them thinking about what they want their life to be about.

Read These While You’re At It

Using praise to communicate values Dear Childhood Me How can we teach children truths without scaring them?

Can I encourage a good attitude without stifling my children’s emotions?

Combat Materialism by Allowing Them to Experience What Truly Matters

Kids will pretty much pick up on what you value and prioritize based on how you live.

If you live far above your means and accrue lots of debt because of a need for “stuff,” more than likely your children will grow up to do the same. Why wouldn’t they? They’ll think that’s normal.

In contrast, if you live a life properly balanced with enjoying the fruits of your family’s hard work and the joy and fulfilment that comes from generosity and service to others, your kids will think that’s normal.

We want their view of normal to be as biblical and as healthy as possible.

If we manage ourselves first, our children’s perspectives will naturally be affected.

Help Expose them to Things Eternal

Some things are eternal and some things are not. Materialism has an unbalanced viewpoint on this.

Your house, though very important for the survival of your family, is not eternal.
Your faith and family, very much eternal.

I surely don’t have all the answers, but I believe that the actions we make and the words we speak in line with God’s will and at His leading have eternal impact.

When you speak that word of encouragement that changes a person’s path, it has eternal consequences.

On the same toke, when you treat someone used to being ignored or jeered at with respect, dignity and kindness, you are loving them with Jesus’ love.

These things are far more important than what brand our shoes are.

Expose your children to things eternal and then, when they’re old enough to talk about it, get into conversations about these things:

Ask their opinions,
answer their doubts,
show them Scriptures, and
give them a chance to experience the joy of being used by God to love and serve others.

Once they’ve experienced it themselves, the hard part is over.

Don’t Deprive to Prove a Point

There will be times of lack when we’ll have to make do with what we have and what others bless us with.

That is fine and right and our kids may have to suck it up and realize this school year they don’t get brand new Nikes. That’s life.

However, I believe we must be wary to not deprive our children of things or really downplay the importance of things to them in a way that encourages them to create a life trying to fill a void.

We don’t want to teach our children using embarrassment tactics.

For example, take the kid who always had to wear hand-me-downs and who is now very irresponsible with his money. Without the means, he dresses in the most fashionable and name brand clothes around because he spent his whole childhood being embarrassed about what he was wearing.

Again, sometimes we have to do what we have to do, but I think it’s prudent we take into account our children’s tastes and wishes – within reason – and provide for them in a way that doesn’t give them a poverty mentality.

A poverty mentality – or always feeling as though there’s no money and consequently viewing money as the answer to all problems – can have devastating effects.

It’s okay if you splurge a little on your kids.

It’s okay if you sometimes get them the expensive shoes. It’s not goin to hurt them to get them something they will really value and enjoy. I’m not saying spoil… but don’t indulge their misguided feelings of entitlement.

Please don’t run up a credit card bill to avoid hurting their self-esteem.

I’m simply saying, don’t think you’re being spiritual by making them live on less and have less than others. It may backfire in ways you hadn’t planned.

As we go through this Christian life with our families we will learn so much.

We’ll mess up and teach them wrong things and have to go back and try to teach them right things. They’ll show us where we’ve messed up as well. It’s a privilege to do the Christian life, period, and it’s surely a privilege and an honor and a responsibility to be entrusted with the lives and spirits of young ones.

Raising our young children to be comfortable in high season and low season and with eternal things will give them depth of character.

It will help them avoid our culture’s trap of materialism, and it will give them the opportunity to learn firsthand that the things that matter most, and the things that truly resonate in our spirits as being the better way, are the eternal things.

Nurturing Children Spirit, Soul + Body

As God is in three parts, He created us in three parts: spirit, soul and body (1 Thess. 5:23). Though separate and distinct they are inter-twined and what happens to one heavily affects the others. No doctor will deny that emotional stress can cause physical illness. Anyone with chronic pain will tell you their soul and spirit become heavy.

As parents we aren’t called simply to feed our children in their body, but also their spirit and their soul. Loosely defined, the body is flesh and blood. The soul is our personality, emotions and mind. The spirit is the core of who we are, the eternal part of us.

So then, how can we nurture our children more wholly?

(1) Affirm who God has made them to be.

I’ve heard it said each child comes with a different owner’s manual. You may have 3 who all respond drastically different to the same gift, instruction or disciplinary measure. God made them differently and it’s in those differences that they will find their strengths, gifts and talents. In the book Grace based Parenting, which I have yet to finish) the author points out that one way we parents can help to let our children thrive, is that in non-moral matters, we should let them be individuals. They want to wear black polka dots with brown plaid and orange shoes because they think it matches? Fine. They want to re-enact the civil war instead of watching Disney movies? Okay. Don’t try to make your children fit a mold in simple matters of personality. There will be plenty of opportunities to train them to conform to your morals and values, but their personalities need not conform to ours. [Read more…] about Nurturing Children Spirit, Soul + Body

How to Travel Organized

Gone are the days when you leave the house, grab your purse, sunglasses and keys by the door and head off to run some errands. Stop for coffee along the way? Sure. Meet a friend spur-of-the-moment for lunch? Why not.

These days a mother must prepare for all eventualities before leaving the house. Diapers, wipes, snacks, a hat in case it’s sunny and perhaps a toy and some books. And this just to go run a few morning errands. How much more so should we be organized when travelling so as to avoid catastrophes such as 6 hours left of airplane travel and no diapers? It can happen to the best of us, my friends.

I recently went on a 24-hour, 3 flight journey with my two little ones and knew from the get go if I wasn’t organized then all hell would break loose 30,000 feet in the air with no option for escape or in the airport security line where my nervous and angry reaction would have me pegged for a terrorist. That would have been inconvenient. My children don’t handle interrogation well.

Here’s how I organized the travel for myself and my two little ones for ease of access, convenience and as smooth a journey as possible.

Parenting law: Sowing and Reaping

I’ve come to realize in my relatively short but full and busy time as a mom that my choices have the greatest effect on my children’s choices. It is a natural law, this we “reap what we sow” thing, but I think it has great ramifications in parenting as well. Children respond to consistency and they respond to our direction. If we sow seeds of something (whether intentionally or not) then we’ll reap those same seeds. It is why – yet again – it’s so important that we are purposeful and mindful of what we do with the precious lives we’ve been given to watch.

Let’s think of how this plays out.

1. Taking shortcuts.

Someone once told me, or perhaps I read it… or maybe both… that when you know you are taking a shortcut it almost always backfires. I laughed it off and quickly realized – to my horror – how right it was. For example, if I ask my daughter to come here so I can put her shoes on she has two choices. To come to me or not. When I am particularly busy I always have the inclination to just forget about it and move on, putting the shoes on when she’s in the car.

Another option, the longer one, is to wait for her to obey and – if she doesn’t – respond immediately with whatever disciplinary action I prefer. Whether putting her in time out for a few minutes or going and getting her and bringing her to where I’m at and making it happen. If I do this often enough she starts to obey immediately. By issuing an instruction and then ignoring it I am doing what is quickest, but what will reinforce to my daughter that I’m not actually serious.

Whetting your Children’s Spiritual Appetite

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Weaning: practically, physically and emotionally

nursing breastfeeding and weaning

A friend wrote me recently saying she was about to start her daughter weaning from breastfeeding since she’s having a new baby soon. She wanted to know my thoughts on weaning generally and also emotionally. It hit home because for me weaning felt like…well… what it was. Admitting that my babies weren’t really babies anymore, although they’ll always be my babies.

First, breastfeeding can last anywhere from a few months to a few years depending on whether you choose a time to wean or whether you let your babies decide when they want to wean. My first two babies were 13 months apart and I knew I would not tandem breastfeed. So, I opted to wean my daughter around 11 months so that by 12 months she was on whole milk. That way when the baby came she wouldn’t think he stole her food. It worked well, except it was close enough together that when she felt sick or tired for the first few weeks she did try to breastfeed. Otherwise, she was fine.

I got pregnant with my third when my second child was 6 months old and by 9 months he simply would not drink breastmilk anymore. He didn’t like the taste, and in fact, he hadn’t liked it for the prior 3 months. I forced the issue and forced the issue and pumped and tried to continue. He simply wouldn’t have it. I almost died from the rejection. I exaggerate. But I do not exaggerate when I say that every time I tried to feed him for those 3 months I would say “you can’t do this to me…why, why, why????” Well, we survived. Here’s how. [Read more…] about Weaning: practically, physically and emotionally

The danger of “religion”

Religion (when devoid of a personal relationship with the living God) is based on rules, do’s, don’ts, consequences, stigmas, and appearances. Religion says you are not a person but a cog in a great machine so do your part and be quiet. Religion says there is no mercy, no help, no pity but simply a list of things you must do and a list of things that will happen if you don’t do those things that you must do. In short, religion crushes, burdens and kills the spirit.

Relationship with the living God is based on choices, the condition of our heart, and kindness that leads to change from within. Relationship says you are a unique person and you must be yourself to do your part. Relationship says there is mercy, help, grace sufficient to meet challenges, compassion and promises and expectations that God has for us that are for our own good. In short, relationship brings life, energy and love to our spirits.

God has entrusted us with the care of our children and He loves them enough that he goes so far as to say we must become like children to enter heaven (Matthew 18:3). We won’t get it right every time and we’ll make mistakes. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus. But, one thing we need to be on super-woman-uber-protection-guard-against in our homes is the poisonous yeast of religion devoid of life-changing power.

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What I learned in my [3rd] second trimester

I’m just passing the mark into my third trimester. It is the final stretch but still, 40 weeks minus 26 weeks equals 14 weeks. That is a lotta weeks left. I am always amazed at how different and clear each trimester transitions into the next. If I hadn’t known how far along I was I would have been able to tell you almost to the day just by the changes in my mood and level of tiredness.

Some second trimester thoughts.

(1) It’s like the eye of the hurricane. I’m from Florida which is hurricane country. Basically, as a cyclone travels over town you experience one side, then you may (depending on where you are) see calm and rest as the eye passes over you, and then you get the other half of the hurricane. Pregnancy is often like that. First trimester can bring nausea, vomiting, severe fatigue, lethargy and on and on. The second trimester comes and – lo and behold – we’re human again. Still fitting into most clothes but showing enough to feel kinda cute! Not whale size yet and swelling usually hasn’t gotten terribly underway. It’s like a period of rest so you can settle down and store up the much-needed energy and stamina for what’s next.

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An Ounce of Prevention

While I’m writing over at the Graceful Mom (inspiration and encouragement for the working mom) today, I’m pleased to have Maureen from Childwise Chat drop by today to talk about a little something I’ve been thinking about ever since I read it on her blog.

AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION

You know the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?” Well, it holds true for parenting just as much as it does for our health. Brush your teeth twice a day, and you don’t get cavities. Catch your child before he misbehaves, and you don’t have behavior issues.

If you’ve ever visited my blog, you know I’m a big proponent of first-time obedience. I’ve even written a 100+ page e-book on the topic. While our children are young, they should be taught to obey. As parents, we are their authority figures for a reason. We provide the guidance and boundaries kids crave.

source

There are many steps involved in teaching a child to obey the first time, so I won’t get into that here. (You can read more on my blog here.) But getting back to the idea of prevention, there’s a little trick you can use to head those little behavior problems off at the pass. And this works for kids as young as a year to kids as old as 8 or 9. (My oldest is 8, so I can’t speak much beyond that.)

We all know our kids so well. And there’s not a child I’ve met who doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. All we have to do is look for that twinkle in their eyes or the smirk on their mouths.

I homeschool my boys, and just recently, I could tell my five-year-old was getting bored and wanted to cause some mischief. I could just see it in his eyes. So what did I do? Did I wait for him to actually cause mischief? No, I stopped him before he crossed the line.

I didn’t put him in a full timeout (which we do on the bed or on the toilet in the powder room downstairs). I just had him sit on the couch to think about what his heart was telling him. See, he hadn’t really done anything wrong. But I knew he could listen to his heart. I had him sit until I could tell he had a change of heart, a happy heart, so to speak.

Read These While You’re At It

The Danger of Over-correcting How Long until you See Results?Never let this battle start

One Simple Step That Will Unlock Your Child’s Heart, Guaranteed

In the Babywise books, the Ezzos call this a “reflective timeout.” It’s not a timeout used to punish the child. It’s a timeout that removes the child from the situation and gives him some peace and quiet that enables him to change his heart. It stops the misbehavior in its tracks.

If you have a little one who doesn’t sit well, try having him fold his hands. Sometimes, giving the child something to think about, keeping those hands folded, is just enough to settle them down. And if you can’t remove the child from the situation (in a restaurant or other public place), have him fold his hands. Again, it will settle him down.

Most of all, realize that you don’t need to accept behavior issues. Watch your child closely and use a reflective timeout to stop your child before he hits the point of no return.

Maureen Monfore is a mother of two boys and is the author
of ChildwiseChat.com and the e-book, Live in Harmony with First-Time Obedience.

PS – We have a small network of Babywise related blogs posting articles today. If you’re interested, visit us at Babywise Mom, Childwise Chat, Journey of Parenthood and the Graceful Mom.

All Posts

Honestly, this is one of those topics that upsets people.

Our kids are inundated with stuff.

50+ Connection Questions

Money is Not Negative

Taking a Look at the End of Life Scenario

Combat Materialism by Allowing Them to Experience What Truly Matters

Help Expose them to Things Eternal

Don’t Deprive to Prove a Point

We don’t want to teach our children using embarrassment tactics.

It’s okay if you splurge a little on your kids.

50+ Life Skills (By Age!)

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet