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Should I parent by instinct or with a plan?

Should I parent with a plan or by instinct? Here are some thoughts on how our instincts can shape (but should not replace) a parenting plan.

Instinct: the inherent inclination of a living organism towards a particular complex behavior.

Strategy: a plan of action designed to achieve a major or overall aim.

I believe there are times in parenting when we must use our instinct. I’ve known my children were sick or hurt in some way long before others noticed. It’s a mother’s sixth sense. Other times my instincts have told me that a total change in routine would benefit one child or another, and I was right!

That said, I also believe there are times in parenting when we must develop a plan, and then carry it out even if it starts to conflict with our momentary instincts. Why?

Because instincts are not always to be trusted.

Following your gut instinct is not always a wise idea. Many times it is, but definitely not always. If many of our natural instincts must be tempered with self-control and wisdom, parenting will be no different. Our instincts may tell us to hate, hold grudges, be promiscuous, lie to protect ourselves, sleep all day, play video games all night, and eat only brownies (or in my case only cheese).

Most would agree these impulses should be tempered with good judgment. If we must temper our own instincts with good judgment, why shouldn’t we do the same with parenting?

Here are some personal examples when my instincts tell me to do one thing, but my long-term values tell me to do another.

When a child is whining for something I’ve told him he can’t have, but I want to give it to him just to make the whining stop.
When it’d be easy to bribe the kids for good behavior on a regular basis because the results are instant and, for the moment, positive.
When I’d rather put them in front of the TV to get them to calm down instead of training them not to run and scream through the house.
When I’ve promised a consequence, but I don’t want to carry it out because I know they’ll be unhappy.

Those are just a few, but often my instincts tell me to please my child at all costs to keep the harmony. But is that a good idea in the long run?

I think instincts must be tempered with a basic parenting strategy.

How will they be disciplined if they scratch their brother, sister or the neighbor’s prized show dog? The time to decide how to handle a situation is not right after they have emptied your purse in the deodorant aisle at Target or ran screaming away from you down the aisle. Knowing how and when you’ll train your child is more methodical than a knee-jerk reaction to their bad behavior or ignorance.

Without a strategy to fall back on we will often punish or discipline in anger and live to regret it. Your child loses your car keys and you respond,”That’s it, no TV for a week!” Well, upon cooling down you realize perhaps that’s a bit harsh. Now you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You either (a) go back on your word which – if done regularly – teaches them that you don’t really mean what you say, or (b) carry out a harsh punishment that does not fit the crime. You feel guilty that you reacted in haste and they are confused at the severity of the punishment.

Without a strategy it will happen to the best of us.

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Should We “Make” Our Kids Forgive or Is Forgiveness a Choice?

If you’ve ever made your kids forgive their siblings, even when you mean it, you understand. Is forcing someone to forgive true forgiveness? What is the best way to teach forgiveness?

“Will you forgive me?”

A very common phrase. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, however, that I realized I dislike hearing children ask each other for forgiveness. It rubs me the wrong way. And I’m not going to teach my kids to do it.

I will teach my children to forgive.

Furthermore, I’ll create a home atmosphere of grace and forgiveness.

I will also actively train their hearts not to hold grudges.

Kids are arguing and mom is learning how to teach forgiveness.

But I will not teach my kids to ask each other for forgiveness. Why?

Because forgiveness is a gift. And it can’t be forced

Imagine this scenario:

Jamie and John are brother and sister. One day at school John’s friends start mercilessly teasing Jamie, and John doesn’t say a thing in her defense, but laughs along with them.

Jamie is hurt by the teasing, and even more hurt because her brother didn’t stand up for her.

So now a few things have happened. Jamie’s feelings have been hurt and the brother/sister relationship has a breach. By encouraging John to immediately apologize and Jamie to forgive, without working through this situation, you’d be encouraging Jamie to stuff her feelings and move on.

And you’d be teaching John that a few words lets you off the hook.

This may mean John never gets a chance to feel remorseful and make amends. And that Jamie says “I forgive you,” but deep down holds a grudge.

Because grudges aren’t always from a refusal to forgive, but often from unresolved feelings. I don’t believe this is really how to teach forgiveness.

How to Teach Forgiveness

Here are some points dealing with how to teach forgiveness that I have learned over the years:

Forgiveness is a process that should not be rushed.

It’s the injured party who should forgive. There’s a great quote about unforgiveness I want to reference here, because I don’t want anyone to think I support holding grudges.

By teaching our children to go to their sibling right after they’ve hurt them and say, “I was wrong, please forgive me,” you’re putting pressure on the other child to reach a point in the forgiveness process they may not be at.

There should be time to release their feelings, not stuff them in their emotional basement .

Forgiveness must come.

Not because someone asked for it, but because it’s a good thing to do.

If Jamie is made to “forgive” before she’s ready it will be false. She may not have actually forgiven and might even feel more resentment towards her brother because she’s supposed to just be “over it.”

Nor will John have learned that real life consequences exist when you hurt another person.

Saying you forgive someone is not the same as forgiving someone.

If our children learn that saying, “I forgive you” is all that forgiveness is, they are deceived.

Although forgiveness is a freeing action, learning to teach forgiveness it can be difficult. Oh sure, a kick from a brother, a small white lie, one sibling taking something without asking… these aren’t major heartaches.

Some things can be forgiven quickly and there is no need to dwell on it. Still, a child must engage with what’s happened and then choose to release that person.

That is true forgiveness.

They won’t do that if your house rule puts them on the spot to respond to the “guilty” sibling with “I forgive you.”

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Forgiveness is a choice, a gift.

Forgiveness is a must for us, for our own benefit and well-being.

But, to the person who receives the forgiveness, it’s a gift. Would you go up to another person and say, “Excuse me, I just drove your bike into a wall for fun. Will you hurry up and fix it so I can ride it again?”

No, no you wouldn’t. Why? Because you don’t hurt someone else and then ask for a favor. When you hurt someone you apologize with a humble heart and work to repair that relationship.

Instead of going up to them and asking, “Will you forgive me?” a better question would be, “What can I do to mend this?”

What Teaching Forgiveness Looks Like in Action

In the situation above, I would hope it played out like this:

Jamie was able to take the time needed to work through her feelings.

It hurt to be publicly ridiculed. It was embarrassing to be called names, and humiliating that her own brother would laugh instead of telling them to stop.

As her mother I would encourage her to process her feelings with the goal of forgiveness and reconciliation. I would allow John to feel the weight of his poor choices, and have him seek to repair and restore their relationship.

I would not undermine Jamie’s pain by thinking it will all be over with a “will you forgive me?” on the same night it happened.

Boundaries & Behavior

Loving Authority

Being in charge doesn’t mean being harsh or heavy-handed—it means being steady, clear, and confident. This workshop will help you understand what healthy authority really looks like. When you know how to show up as a secure, grounded leader, your kids feel safe, and everyone starts listening.

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True forgiveness…

I want to teach my children to forgive from their heart and to let go of grudges.

Bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness are poisons to the soul.

I also want to teach my children that hurting others has real consequences and that forgiveness is not always meted out as we would like.

In fact, some people may never extend that gift to you. Even if you ask nicely.

And at the bottom of all this… I want my children to draw a parallel to God and the forgiveness He offers us. We aren’t forgiven because we have good manners. It’s not because we deserve it. We are forgiven in spite of the fact that we don’t deserve it.

A humble heart offers an apology without expecting anything in return.

And, a forgiving heart releases the other from wrongdoing, whether or they ask or not.

Car Tips & Hacks For The Family Vehicle – You’ll Love These

These family car hacks make riding in the car with the kids much easier and more organized. Use these tips for your vehicle.

I’m in toddler heaven over here. Well, preschooler and toddler. And baby, to be honest, but the baby is outnumbered.

After having driven with babies, toddlers, and preschoolers on three continents in numerous vehicles, here are my top tips for traveling with the little kiddos.

Tips for travel and car safety for toddlers

I am a slow driver.

I pay close attention, get in no hurry, and am extremely cautious while in the car. Last Saturday night (the 4th of July) we were circling around looking for a parking spot to watch the fireworks, and we witnessed an accident.

Both cars were going slow, luckily, and no one was hurt, but both my husband and myself were pretty surprised when we see the driver of the truck jump out with his toddler about 30 seconds after the accident happened.

Because the toddler hadn’t been in a car seat. Because it was a single cab truck. It made both my husband and myself catch our breathe, and give thanks no one was harmed. But it goes without saying car seats are a must.

Here are some car safety tips and hacks for riding with toddlers

After having 5 kids in 5 years, we’ve come up with quite a few hacks for the family vehicle. Read on to find out.

1. Get a good car seat that grows with your toddler

Instead of buying a new car seat every year for one child, buy a car seat that grows with your child. There are many types on the market today and this works well if you have multiple children.

You can get one car seat that grows with your little one, and then pass it down to the next child.

2. Put a shoe by the car seat to avoid forgetting your baby in a car

It’s heart wrenching to even talk about, but children pass away each summer due to suffocation in hot cars.

I saw a tip on Facebook last month to take off your shoe and put it by the car seat in the back. This way you have to reach around to the back seat for your shoe, and won’t forget precious cargo.

Read These While You’re At It

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3. Store any supplies you might need in the car

Recently I cleared out our extended cab truck and wanted to create an “emergency supplies” box.

This really takes a load off your mind in case you forget your diaper bag or water at home. Fill a box with the following:

water bottles
diapers
wipes
extra outfits
emergency numbers
an umbrella
cash
jumper cables
a towel
a blanket
and some rope (for towing, etc.)

That’s a start, anyway 🙂

Read: What Moms Need When The Power Goes Out

4. Keep trash bags handy

I took one of those inexpensive drawstring backpacks and hung it from the passenger side headrest. I stopped doing this for a while and the truck got trashed in no time.

It is so convenient to have something ready to be filled up with juice bottles, crayon wrappers, napkins, stray papers, La Croix cans, and whatever else the kids manage to get their hands on.

I also find it more relaxing to ride in a clean vehicle.

5. Create busy bags

I have quite a few blogger friends who are pros at making busy bags. A busy bag is essentially a bag full of things that will keep your toddlers and preschoolers busy.

Here’s a list of 25 busy bag ideas you can pull out when you are going to be in the car for a while or expect to get caught in traffic.

6. Get some good CDs, playlists, etc.

We have quite a few calm sing-a-long CDs that we bring out when we’ll be in the car for a while.

It’s amazing how much more calm the kids are when we play specific child friendly music as opposed to listening to our favorite radio stations.

I do think the type of music matters, and I try to stray from super energetic music because that’ll just make the kids want to move and they can’t since they are strapped in.

7. Keep snacks ready, but nothing that’ll melt

If you allow snacking in the car, keep them handy and be sure they are not choke hazards in any way, and that they won’t melt.

If you are in the driver’s seat you don’t want to give your child anything that’ll cause you to obsess about whether or not they are okay. I’ve given grapes before (even halved) and I was flipping out the whole time.

I know. I’m probably paranoid, but still. Also, unless you are heading straight home, food that doesn’t melt is recommended if it’s summer and you live in a hot state!

Tips for Fishing with Kids

I’ve grown up with fishermen on both sides of my family, and now that we are near a pond I can’t wait to take my own kids fishing all the time. Here are some tips for fishing with kids (that I’ve gleaned from my own life, friends, and Google).

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Shakespeare® for IZEA. All opinions are 100% mine.

dad and young son sitting on pier fishing

I come from a family of fishermen! We live very near the coast and directly near tons of ponds and lakes. My father and his brothers have fished their whole life. My maternal grandfather actually set up an area in his barn for his fishing equipment and boat. Oh and he actually built a special station just outside of the barn with a sink for scaling fish.

Fishing is serious business, folks.

Now we live on the family property and we’ve got a pond! I’ve been thinking about getting fishing poles for the kids for a few months now so was so excited to jump start the process when Shakespeare and Stren contacted me. Let’s just say the kids were so excited to open the boxes up and start fishing.

We’re on a mission to make fishing a regular part of our lives (hello, free food) because it’s just so good to have things to do that don’t involve technology. We’ve recently stopped watching TV during the week at all (because it stops the whining) and particularly in the summer it’s nice to have things to do outside.

Plus, I see fishing as an investment in your family. It’s time together to talk, make memories, and get some good ole Vitamin D. One thing I did learn while being together with the kids out there is that, if they are little, you might to consider taking one child at a time. This is good for both relationship building, and also so you can actually fish instead of just trying to get everyone from hooking each other.

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Rooted in Family

Family life shouldn’t feel like a blur of to-do lists that leave you wondering if the memories are even sticking. This workshop helps you define your family’s core values and create simple, meaningful traditions that bring everyone closer without adding pressure.

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Make it easy

If you don’t have any fishing equipment, start easy. We actually have a lot of fishing equipment in our barn since my grandfather was a lifelong fisherman, but it’s dusty and old and I don’t know what goes where. These fishing combos save you all that trouble and come with a small tackle box that has everything you need to get started and instructions! Oh and they come pre-spooled which is a total lifesaver for newbies. My husband was not excited about spooling the fishing line himself. Ha.

Change your expectations.

If you’ve gone fishing previously it might have been a relaxing time for you. Maybe you put the pole in a PVC pipe in the ground and sit down and relax. If there are kids and hooks, however, it won’t start out relaxing. In fact, it might take years until you feel that a fishing trip feels like a calming family bonding time. Also, it might feel like a lot of work for a few fish. But that’s where we have to stop thinking things aren’t “worth it” on our end. I’m sure it’ll be “worth it” to them!

Avoid the baby poles.

Lots of people (and blogs) say to avoid the very small child poles. They aren’t even that cheap money wise, but you get a cheap line and they won’t grow with your child. A youth pole is different than a child pole, and youth poles will grow with your small child until adolescence. The very small toddler pole is not generally recommended.

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No-Drama Screen Wean

Cutting back on screens shouldn’t feel like a battle royale. This workshop gives you a simple, realistic plan to wean your kids off devices—without meltdowns, whining, or “I’m bored” on repeat. Because screen time limits should feel doable, not dreadful.

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Practice casting.

I went trout fishing in Scotland with a lifelong best friend. It was completely awesome in every way except that I didn’t’ actually catch a fish. They told me I was a pro at casting! Ha. I remember growing up fishing occasionally and I was far more excited about casting well than catching a fish. Weird, but true. Anyway, if you have more than one child who’s going fishing let them practice casting away from the other siblings. Let each child practice casting in a short distance at first, then farther and farther. Before you put bait on the hook, let them practice.

Above is my daughter “practicing” before we’ve even threaded the fishing line and put hooks on. 🙂

Live bait.

Life's too short to fish with a dead cricket

Obviously this isn’t a necessity, but I personally think live bait is the most fun and interesting for kids. Depending on their age, worms may be more exciting than the actual fishing :). That said, it’s important to pick the right bait for kids because you want your kids to experience big wins so they catch a love for fishing. According to Take Me Fishing, you want your bait to be approximately the same size as your hook. Worms or crickets are fine, but maybe cut the bait to fit the size of the hook.

Our neighbor and friend, Jason, said we could keep crickets and warms as well and that would add to the excitement. Actually he called the worm wigglers. We’re going to the local bait shop to get some soon. If we can’t get a dog we can get crickets, right?

Just bring them along.

If you’re thinking of taking kids fishing, but aren’t sure where to start, just go to ponds, lakes, or fishing holes with your kids. Even toddlers will enjoy a walk in nature. Look at the pond for fish, talk about fishing, eat some fish! Just get them out there and exposed and build anticipation. Anticipation makes things so much more fun!

Fish where the fish are.

Now there are fish in our pond, but there aren’t tons. Fishing in our own pond goes against this, but it’s easy. So convenience wins! That said, if you want to get your children into fishing go fish where the fish are. This will mean the kids actually get to experience the excitement of catching a fish regularly that first time. Whether you throw them back (fun in itself) or bring them home, your kids be more excited about fishing again when they’ve experienced some success.

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Equipping parents with a simple, consistent approach to teaching and reinforcing good manners so that their child naturally incorporates polite behavior into daily life.

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Keep time limits short.

If everyone’s having fun, by all means stay. But as children begin to fish, particularly if they aren’t catching anything, don’t plan an all day fishing expedition. A few hours may be enough, or even one hour if it’s one of the first few times you go. Bring snacks, blankets, or chairs for the kids to sit down if you’re fishing at a pond or lake.

Go barb-less.

You can actually get barb-less hooks (or wiggle the barb off with your thumbs, apparently) to help your kids practice casting without worrying about hooking someone else. I am definitely doing this because in order to actually go fishing with all my kids (ages 4, 3, and 2 years in August) I want it to be a safe environment. And my youngest will totally want to mill around and play, but will not understand not to walk in the path of a flying line!

Want to win a fishing trip?

If you’d like to win a fishing trip visit this site, tell them of one of your favorite fishing memories and upload a picture of you fishing!

Have fun!

Check out the fishing combo available from Shakespeare and Stren and after you do, use the fishing checklist to make sure you’re all set!

How to freeze blueberries for year round baking

Want to go blueberry picking this year? Here’s how to freeze your catch for year round baking. Post contains affiliate links.

How to easily freeze blueberries for year round baking the easy way!

I used to live far from home (hence the blog name) with a tiny backyard. I still grew things there because it’s not the size of the yard, of course, but one of the best parts about returning to Florida where I’m from is all the established plants. We have blueberries, grapevines, and pear trees! This year I planted an orange tree, olive tree, and two pear trees so we’ll see how they’re going next spring.

However, you don’t need your own blueberry bush to freeze enough blueberries to last a long time. There are usually plenty of places around that allow you to go pick as many blueberries as you desire, or until your kids get restless!

I find blueberries to be expensive to buy both fresh and frozen, and was excited that this year’s bush had such a harvest. Here’s how to freeze blueberries so they don’t all freeze together in one big clump, and so that you can use them individually or in serving sizes throughout the year in your baking or smoothies.

Picking tips

Put a sheet on the ground under the blueberry bush. When blueberries are very ripe you can just run your hands over the bunches and they will essentially fall to the ground!

Use a sheet. We tried to put a sheet on the ground and shake the blueberry bush, but they didn’t fall easily. That said, if the blueberries are ripe you can grab them in your hand and move them around and they’ll fall easily. I did this around the tree (until I got ant bit because I didn’t follow my four ways to nix ant beds in that area) and my husband stood on a ladder to get as many as we could.

If they’re ripe they should come off easily and you won’t have to do much “cherry picking.”

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Here's an easy way to pick blueberries and freeze then so you can use them to bake year round!

Freezing tips

1. Bring in your blueberries and wash them, getting off all leaves and stems.

2. Put the blueberries in a colander (these are interesting…) and drain.

3. Get out baking sheets, pizza trays, or anything else that’s flat. You can cover the surface with wax paper if desired.

Place blueberries individually on the surfaces so they will freeze alone, not stuck to other blueberries.

4. Put the blueberries on the cookie sheets in one layer. It’s okay if they are touching each other slightly, you don’t have to spend two hours positioning each berry, but just make sure there’s only one layer and they are essentially going to freeze individually.

5. Put in the freezer for 12 hours or overnight. I actually only did one batch for 3 or 4 hours, but I think overnight is probably best.

6. Take out trays and unstick the frozen blueberries. The water from washing the blueberries will have caused them to stick slightly, but they’ll come away easily.

Unstick the blueberries from the tray or wax paper, separate them into desired amounts, then freeze those blueberries in bags together.

7. Measure blueberries into desired amounts. I chose to use sandwich bags (since they are the size I was going for) and put one cup of blueberries into each one. I chose one cup because most baking recipes (or pancakes, etc.) will call for around 1/2 to 1 cup of blueberries.

8. Stack in freezer.

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Note:

When you use your frozen blueberries, I’d lay them out on napkins to thaw slightly. If you put 1/2 cup of frozen blueberries into a batter without having been thawed, they’ll stick together.
I didn’t use freezer safe sandwich bags so, you might want to do that. 🙂
By simply putting a bunch of blueberries into a big bag fresh, they’ll all stick together as they freeze and you won’t be able to separate them later to get a portion. So by freezing them in my desired amounts I can avoid waste.

How to increase small children’s reading stamina

Here’s how to increase your small children’s reading stamina little by little. Of course, your small children can’t actually read alone, but working on building their reading comprehension stamina now sets them up for success!

I come from a family of readers and educators. My husband comes from a family of readers as well. We both spent countless hours reading as young children, through the teenage years and into today. When we get a chance to read, of course.

These days I’m actually in bed asleep by 9:30 pm because I’m a tired mom. But I still enjoy reading a good book, and I also enjoy reading with the kids.

We start with board books, picture books, then go up in complexity and length as the kids are ready, but even with small children it is a process to increase reading stamina.

Here are some tips on increasing reading stamina and comprehension in small children to set the up for a love of reading from a early age :)

But what’s reading stamina?

According to Reading Rocks…

“Reading stamina is a child’s ability to focus and read independently for long-ish periods of time without being distracted or without distracting others.”

While children are young they aren’t able to read on their own, obviously, but the ability to focus and pay attention still must be increased over time. (Here’s my post on how to teach toddlers focusing skills.) Both of my boys started out only being able to look at few pages of a book at a time. Part of this is because it’s hard to read to kids who won’t sit still, part of it is because they’re young and have to gradually increase their capacity.

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Here are some ways to increase reading stamina in your small children.

Read regularly. Include reading in your nap and bedtime routines or at points throughout the day when you need a calming influence.
Change it up. Read different types of books, and rotate which parents read. This helps children get used to hearing different voices, different inflections, different accents (my accent is Southern and my husband’s is Australian, ha), and different types of plots.
Don’t get too advanced. While it’s good to challenge and stretch, reading books that are too advanced will make it difficult for your child to comprehend the story and they’ll lose focus as a result. This could also be discouraging depending on your child’s personality.
Push through. If your toddler wants to quit after only a few pages, push a little further to read more. Don’t push so far they are turned off by reading, but enough to keep moving forward.
Note their interests. My 22 month old won’t read a Tractor Mac book for too long, but he’ll sit and read a Thomas the Tank Engine book for 20 minutes.
Don’t show frustration. Try your best to not get frustrated or angry if they don’t want to sit still and pay attention. See it as a long-term goal that you’re working towards step by step.

What’s your favorite tip for giving your children a love of reading?

Sources:

LEGO tips for little ones

My kids are just entering into the “I love LEGO” phase. Well, they’ve already been big fans of Duplo throughout the years, but recently they put together their first LEGO Junior suitcase and the squeals were heard for hours. Actual hours. My husband was squealing along with them since he loves LEGO too.

One of the things I like about LEGO Juniors kits are that they come in a box you can open, play, and pack back up with ease. I brought them with us when we stayed for a week at the beach, and think they would be a great trick up your sleeve to have in waiting rooms, airports, or other places where you are guaranteed to have some time on your hands and preschoolers to entertain.

LEGO Tips for Little Ones, here are some ways to keep them organized and to prevent sibling fighting

Here are some LEGO tips for your little ones to help make it a fun hobby for years to come.

Clean your LEGO (if they get dirt or mildew on them) by putting them into a laundry bag and running it through the washing machine. This will keep parts from getting lost.
Create some type of mat or blanket you can play with the LEGO on, then pull together the blanket afterwards and leave them stored inside (see here).
Use clear shoe storage that hangs over the back of a door to sort LEGO by color.
Convert an old table into a LEGO surface by attaching green baseplates to a table you already own.
Create an expectation that children must clean the LEGO up after use. If they are mid-project, help them move their creation to a higher surface (to protect from younger siblings), but don’t leave them on the ground.

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Use clear storage bins and make color coded labels so even younger children can put away their LEGO after use (see here.)
Start a binder for the LEGO instructions so smaller siblings don’t tear them. My son’s instructions have already seen some love, much to his dismay, so I’m working on this now.
Let older children play with their LEGO in their room, on higher surfaces, or when toddlers are not having free play to avoid destruction and tears.
Decide beforehand whether LEGO will be shared or individual. We have a pink LEGO Junior for our daughter and a red one for our son (both of whom are old enough to enjoy this instead of DUPLO). As an only child, I personally prefer them to have their own individual sets or at least have designated sets for certain time periods and then swap.
Use new LEGO sets as incentive for certain goals within the home. Whether it’s a new milestone or a reward for going above and beyond, a new LEGO set will certainly be a good celebration.

Read These While You’re At It

DIY pizza box crafts

If you've been asking yourself, "When can my child chew gum?" then this is a must read!

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4 Key Strategies For When Your Child’s Not Listening

My son has been walking around with his LEGO Junior suitcase like a briefcase and they look forward to any chance to build with their dad. I found this kit to be just the right amount of challenge, but easy enough to figure some of it out on their own. Too difficult or too easy and they lose interest.

If your kids are moving out of DUPLO but too young to do any big sets on the LEGO Juniors are your best bet. The pieces come pre-packaged and labeled and each suitcase has two build options. I think we’re definitely going to be a LEGO home over here.

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What’s your best LEGO hack or tip?

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

How Unrealistic Expectations Hurt You

Thanks for joining me on this weeks Back to the Basics series inspired by the Makeover Your Mornings course I’m doing. So far we’ve talked about big parenting rocks, work + play balance, and minimizing stress of homemaking.

Have super high expectations of yourself? Here's how unrealistic expecations actually hurt you, and how to start developing real ones.

One of the most freeing things for me happened recently as I was doing the Makeover Your Mornings course (which I bought with my own money and this is not sponsored). I realized that in goal and expectation setting, I make ridiculous decisions.

My personality type (more to come on these personalities and how to parent them in another series) has a lot of confidence in one’s ability to get things done and, therefore, sets lofty goals. I can create a list of thing to do today that will probably take a week to do but, you see, I aim high. That’s all fine and dandy until it’s 7 p.m., most of my list is undone, and then I get stressed.

But there’s a better way!

1. Think about how you “make lists” right now.

I make lists online, on paper, and in my head. It’s the lists in my head that do the worst damage. Why? Because they linger and roll around and even when I should be paying attention to the kids or just playing, I can’t get those things out of my head. You (and by you I mean me) have to learn to actually create the list and then forget about it. View it in the morning, throughout the day, or in the evening – whatever works for you – and then get on with life.

I’ve learned to create a list the night before, revisit it in the morning when I have set aside time to do some “big rocks” and then revisit it one more time. After that, I just get on with my day.

2. Be honest with yourself.

This is where I struggle. I honestly think I am a capable woman and can do many things. This is true, in fact. However, I overestimate my own abilities or, more accurately, I overestimate how smoothly everything is going to go. I don’t think conservatively with my lists. Instead I think, if everyone is well-behaved, sleeps on time, no one calls, I don’t get an email, no one visits, and the laundry does itself I’ll get 15 things done. YES, 15 THINGS! Instead of acknowledging that normally, all those things happen, and my list should have 4 things.

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Weary To Well

This 10-day reset will help you uncover what’s wearing you down (spoiler: it’s not just lack of sleep), set boundaries without guilt, and finally create space to breathe again. Because burnout isn’t your personality—it’s a signal things need to change.

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3. Factor in your season.

You are in a certain life season right now. Just like the seasons of nature, there are times of planting, growth, harvest, and seeming stagnation. Parenting (particularly young children) is essentially day in and day out planting. You may not see much consistent fruit, but that’s what it is. Do not overestimate your ability to be involved, lead, or accomplish things right now. It is okay. Time is relentless and you’ll soon be in a new phase with new freedoms.

4. Focus on the big rocks.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but if you get those big rocks taken care of you’ll honestly feel so much lighter. Freer. Accomplished. If you only have so much time in a day (which you do) then don’t try to do it all. Try to do the things that matter most and then, from that place of feeling fulfilled and productive, try to fit in the rest. If those unimportant don’t get done it won’t weigh on your mind nearly as much as the big stuff.

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If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

Boundaries aren’t harsh or selfish. They protect your energy, peace, and sanity so you can show up as the mom you want to be. This workshop helps you figure out where you need them, set them with confidence, and stick to them without guilt or burnout. Because when you hold your limits, everyone benefits.

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5. Finish your list faster by…

One way to finish your list faster is this: cross off some things right now that don’t really have to be done. This may be “would be nice” projects or “I really hope I can” items. If you are the type whose list can dominate their thoughts, then shorten that puppy by weeding out the things that are realistically not going to happen. This is freeing! And, I assure you, if it was something you really want to do it’ll find its way back on the list at some point.

Back to the Basics Week:

Minimizing the Stress of Homemaking

Thanks for tuning back in to my Back to the Basics Week inspired by the two-week course called Makeover Your Mornings I’ve been doing. Monday I talked about the big rocks of parenting and yesterday I spoke on work and play. Today I’m hitting stress.

Feeling like a stressed homemaker? Here are some tips to minimize the stress of homemaking in my back to the basics of parenting week.

There’s positive stress and negative stress. Positive stress helps us get things done. Negative stress crushes us. It makes us feel overwhelmed, overworked, and angry.

The other morning I was walking two laps around our pond (one of Makeover Your Morning’s suggestions is exercise for more energy) and thinking about how life was so different 50 years ago. It might take hours to milk the cows and make butter, milk, and cream for the day. Every day. I’m sure they were dead dog tired at the end of the day, but I wonder if they were as stressed?

Common sense tells us we need a healthy outlook on life to create a positive environment for our kids. And while common sense is now a superpower, I know all you ladies are superwomen! Here’s how to realistically minimize stress for the modern mom with stressors.

Determine your life rocks.

As I talked about in Part One of this series, we gotta know our big rocks. Parenting rocks, personal rocks, and life rocks. When we know those and make those a priority, we’re naturally less bothered about things that are less important. You won’t have to say, “stop stressing” to yourself because you will feel more accomplished and on the path. Some stress will melt away.

Learn to let go.

This is a hard one. Oh, okay yes I’ll just let it go, thanks. Still, there is something to be said for the mental fortitude and self-discipline of forcing yourself to let things go. Easier said than done, but it’s a must if you want to keep mental peace.

The way to do this? Make sure you’re hitting your big rocks so that you’re only having to let go things that aren’t that important in the grand scheme anyway. Of course the laundry has to be done, but if you left one load too long in the wash and have to redo it, who cares. I assure you that a wet load of laundry is not going to be reason for me to be up at night. Not anymore. It’s necessary and good to stay current on housekeeping, but I’m not going to get a wrinkle over it.

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If Mama Ain’t Happy: Boundaries For Moms

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Make a change today.

When trying to make changes, the worst thing you can do is to bite off more than you can chew. Because then you just end up spitting the whole thing out. That was gross, but you get the point. If you start by changing very small habits you can gain momentum and meet your goals. By expecting yourself to completely change habits or mental patterns you’ll only end up disappointed.

If your schedule stresses you then sit down with it and look at the problem areas. Too many weekly activities? Choose one thing today to cut back. Feel like the whole house is a mess? Call a friend or family member and trade favors. Stressed about money? Get help from someone skilled in that area to make a budget or a debt free plan.

Re-evaluate your ideals.

I’ll get more into this tomorrow, but when you are feeling an overload of stress it’s a good time to zoom out and take a good look at where the root of the stress is coming from. Is it because you think you should be able to do more? Says who? It probably isn’t that your children is unhappy, but that you simply feel pressure to do/be/know more.

It’s a soul crushing pattern of thinking. When I had postpartum anxiety and was seeing a counselor, she suggested I frequently ask myself, “What is the worst that could happen?” That was often enough to lower stress levels immediately.

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Self-Care That Sticks

In this workshop, you’ll ditch the “I don’t have time” excuse and build a flexible, doable self-care plan that fits into your real life. Because taking care of yourself shouldn’t feel like another thing on your to-do list.

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Some things that cause stress can’t be eliminated.

I know there are times when the stress is caused from situations outside of our control and there’s nothing we can do to eliminate it. This might be a deployment, separation/divorce, or money situation. You must do the best you can to manage that unchanging stress, while completely eliminating other lesser stressors.

It’s the overall weight of our burdens that crush us, but by eliminating those that we are able, the load is still lighter. It won’t be non-existent, but it will be lighter.

Essentially… stress is a killer. It kills our joy, relationships, and fulfillment. Evaluate what is causing it and eliminate whatever is in your power. Then in the immortal words of Elsa… “let it go.”

Back to the Basics Week:

Part 1: Big Rocks of Parenting
Part 2: Work + Play Balance

Work + Play

Yesterday I started our back to parenting basics week with a post on determining your parenting rocks inspired by the recent two-week course I bought called Makeover Your Morning. Today I’m going to continue it by talking about work and play and how it affects our entire week.

The work and play balance can be elusive for a mom. Both necessary but how to juggle it all? Here's the next installment for my Back to Basics of Parenting week .

“You can discover more of a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” Plato

I used to think that being a stay at home mom would be nice because I’d be able to read books all day! Now, I have to fight to get much reading time into a week, much less a day. I don’t think I’m alone here, and I think it’s normal. I believe some mothers find it difficult to get to the work during the day, and some mothers find it difficult to get to the play.

I think by working out good daily and weekly systems, we can get more work done and enjoy a lot more play!

Because by doing hard work first, there’s much more time for play.

I think it’s a basic life principle that we should not put rest and relaxation in front of our work. And I think that most mothers follow that principle to the extreme which is why they are tired, stressed, and constantly looking for an escape.

Here’s how to work hard first so you can play harder for longer.

1. Stop and think.

We often hit the ground running in the morning jarred awake by a child. Then we drag everyone to breakfast, clean it up, get them dressed, try to tidy, on and on and on until we’ve been working hard and yet spinning our wheels. Not accomplishing much, but still having no time for ourselves.

Next time you have a few minutes, why not sit down and think. What are the areas in the home that are causing stress? What can you do this week to help streamline those areas so they are less work later? Is breakfast a nightmare? Why not try something like creating a DIY breakfast station? Is laundry the bane of your existence? Create a laundry system that works for your home.

2. Schedule play in.

I don’t know about you, but if I don’t decide in advance to do something for myself it doesn’t happen. I like getting my nails done and I consider it one of my very few indulgences (aside from Diet Coke). Aside from having that hour to myself, I can look at my nails daily and be happy they are “done.” It’s time alone and a bit of pretty. So now instead of randomly going in when I had an hour, which means never, I’ve started booking appointments in advance. I’ll go to an appointment I set!

Schedule in date nights, weekends away, or special events even if they are months away. Especially if they are months away! In my experience, if I wait for it to happen it never does.

3. Get help to catch up.

Last year during my last pregnancy I had finally exited the first trimester and felt capable of standing up without feeling nauseous. I passed out of the first trimester fog into the second trimester reprieve and noticed that my home had been invaded by slobs and no one had kicked them out! I humbly called a neat and tidy friend and just said “help.”

She was so quick to come over with her gloves and made quick work of our home. It was so much easier to keep up after that since it was like a fresh start. I even wrote a post about it on how to get out of a cleaning funk.

Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?

4. Create easy systems.

If it’s hard it won’t work. If it’s annoying you won’t do it. If it is too much trouble may as well save your energy. You are a busy mom caring for your young kids and ain’t nobody got time for color-coded-too-many-drawer-systems that look good on Pinterest but are too much drama. Create a laundry system. Create a chore system. Create a cleaning system. Hire help if necessary.

Make it easy so you set yourself up for success. As the Makeover Your Morning course eludes to, if your goals or wishes are vague you simply won’t make them happen. You need easy, concrete, and doable systems.

Moms can get so flustered trying to take their kids to all these lessons and running errands all day long just to avoid the doldrums of the home, but if that hard work was done wisely and upfront, there truly would be more time for play.

Tomorrow I’m talking about home stress relief so stay tuned!

Back to the Basics Posts:

Part One: Big Rocks of Parenting

Big Rocks of Parenting

There is sand. There is gravel. And then there is rocks. Rocks take up the most space and weigh the most. This is a great illustration for how to fill your time, but I want to draw a parallel today with our parenting values.

I’m doing the two week Makeover Your Morning course (that I bought with my own money, not sponsored) and it has truly revolutionized how I think. That’s a big word, I know, but it came at just the right time. She uses this illustration for your day.

How does this relate to parenting? Glad you asked.

The big rocks of parenting must happen intentionally.

The big rocks must be put in first or they simply won’t fit later. We can’t just wander aimlessly from morning until evening for years and expect our children to exhibit self-discipline. We can’t neglect to read the Bible or have family devotions and assume our children will follow our faith.

We must be intentional about how we spend our time parenting our children. This doesn’t mean being frantic, stressed, and guilt ridden about every decision. In fact, it’s the opposite. If we know what our “parenting rocks” are then we can make them happen. And that will relieve the guilt.

Determining your “big rocks.”

Prior to the Makeover Your Morning course I’d been in a bit of a funk. Feeling so busy and yet not having time to do the things I actually valued. Enter the guilt. Guilty because while the kids were well taken care of and happy, I was simply not doing the few things that mattered more than the things they were doing. If you get me.

Why? Because I hadn’t really sat down and determined my “parenting rocks.” Well, now I have. I’ve chosen my parenting rocks for this season, and just having labeled them means I feel more focused during the day. For my family, my parenting rocks are sharing my faith with my children, molding their character, and having my kids hearts (and giving them mine).

Here’s a free printable for you to download…

Building your day around your parenting rocks.

When you know what matters most to you, and these things will vary family to family, you can easily fit them into your day. And then, if that means other things go by the wayside, guess what? You won’t care! Why? Because you’ll feel accomplishment at having focused on the things that really matter to you.

We’ve just bought a family devotion for preschoolers and want to do it each evening before bed as a family. I’ve committed and to putting discipline and effort into helping shape my children’s characters all day. This is flipping exhausting, but it’s important to me. Also, I’m more intentional about just stopping and sitting and being with them. Listening, paying attention, and bonding. It doesn’t even have to be a huge thing, but it’s powerful.

Starting your day with your parenting rocks.

One way to set your day up for success is to start off by hitting a big parenting rock. If your goal is to do more activities with your kids, this might mean planning the night before and doing an activity immediately after breakfast. It gives you a sense of accomplishment, and then if nothing else happens throughout the day you’d still consider it a success.

If your rocks are more metaphorical, then why not write them down and hang them up somewhere like the refrigerator, the family command center, or in the playroom. By reading your priorities they’ll be in the forefront of your mind to help you make more intentional decisions throughout the day.

Tomorrow I’m talking about work + play so stay tuned!

So tell me… what are your parenting rocks?

Do you have a Favorite Child?

This post was originally posted last year, but I’m taking some much needed repose with family so I’ve spruced it up with new links and info for your encouragement!

Before you start feeling that mommy guilt and anxiety that you’re doing it all wrong, know this… you would have to consistently treat your children different before one believes themselves to be a favorite. You’d have to ignore your gut speaking to you and your children who will likely point out the favoritism. So please know this post isn’t to make you feel any guilt or shame.

You don't have a favorite child, but do your kids know that

Picture a classroom with 45 students. Everyone is excited to get into the material on how we can learn to counsel others with hurts and disappointments from the past. The teacher stands up and asks this question.

“How many of you knew that you were not the favorite child?”

I almost laughed out loud – sensitive person that I am – because that idea was so ridiculous to me that I didn’t expect to see a single hand. And yet over half of the class raised their hand. Half! Neither my husband nor his sister raised theirs (great job, maw-in-law) but many other friends did. Whether they were indeed not the favorite or that was simply their perception, the hurts ran to the deepest part of them.

No mother even wants to think she may have a favorite child. Or, even if she doesn’t, that any of her children might perceive she does.

This article won’t affect my mother much because I was clearly the favorite. I am – according to the Birth Order Book – a lonely only. Not only am I an only child, but I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family for 5 whole years. Talk about feeling a little too special… That is perhaps why I was so shocked that the “favorite child” was such an epidemic. Or at least it was there.

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Healthy Minds, Happy Homes

Taking care of your mental health shouldn’t feel like another chore. This workshop shows you how to build simple, sustainable routines that support your well-being and your kid’s emotional health—without the stress or overthinking.

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1. Serious damage is done to a child’s identity if they perceive they are not the favorite

Whether or not it is true, there will be extensive and lasting damage done. Well into adulthood they will have self-worth problems, anger issues, depression, and a general feeling of never “measuring up” or being “good enough.” Living in another sibling’s shadow will take its toll on a child and is no laughing matter. If there is even light teasing in your home that someone is the favorite, this should receive attention.

Frequent teasing or comments like “you always let her do what she wants, but never me” can be indicators that your child believes you love them less. Make it a goal to regularly and consistently be sure that no child in your household is under this impression.

2. Admit some relationships are easier than others

That must be said. You may have a child who is easy to be around and one who is very challenging. If you find some relationships with your children easier than others, that in itself does not mean they are not your favorite. You may have to work extra hard with some of your children to prove to them that you don’t love them any less than their siblings. Perhaps you’re super sporty and your daughter hates sports, this may make her feel sensitive or nervous because she isn’t like you.

This is when you have to venture out of your comfort zone to find common ground. Make time to be with your kids alone doing what they like to do. Never compare them verbally or expect them to be clones of each other. It may be difficult at first, but you know what, so was childbirth! And you made it through that 🙂

3. Individual love, not equal love, is the goal

If your kids can tell you they are loved individually and tell you why they are loved, you’re doing great. I personally don’t believe that treating every child equally will translate into them feeling equally loved. People are unique and receive love uniquely. The entire family will have consistent time together and do various things as a group. Going on vacations, going out to eat, or to parks and playgrounds are examples of this.

Not only do children need to feel included in the family, but they need to feel special as an individual, separate from their siblings. If one child loves baseball games, it is okay to take them to a game alone, particularly if their siblings couldn’t care less. As long as each child has their own special time with you, then they are being treated both equally, specially, and individually. Sit back and think. As individuals, do you feel that you “know” your children?

People act differently in a group than they do one-on-one.

Dominant personalities in siblings can overshadow quieter ones and the more reserved children can begin to feel lost in the crowd as though no one notices them. Without creating this individual bond, you may find maintaining a relationship with your children into their adulthood to be a challenge.

Connection & Culture

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Rooted in Family

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4. Finding out how they receive love will be a huge key in developing a lasting strong relationship through adulthood

The 5 Love Languages for Children book is a great read. It is simply an easy and effective way to maintain harmony and bring joy and love to your children. If they feel (feel in their heart, not just know in their head) that you truly love them, they will blossom and flower. Oh, of course you’ll have the normal tantrums, slamming of doors and emo stages that come and go. But if they know they are loved and feel it in their hearts, they will respond to your discipline and instruction with trust.

If a child feels they are never good enough then they can’t wait to get out of the house. If girls don’t feel loved and cherished, do you know what they do? They wear too short, too tight skirts and go on the hunt for men to tell them they ARE lovely, they ARE special and they ARE important. If your child is acting out to get attention, that is a sure sign that they need some unique and individual time with you. Parents have the pleasure of being the ones who pour these good things into their children, so don’t make them have to leave home for it. Ultimately, what we don’t give children at home, they go out in search of. And, emotionally, they may never come back.

It is important to be sure that none of your children feel less loved than their siblings. If you need to ask your children what they think, then just be the grown up and ask it! If you are too nervous to ask, then that is also telling.

Whether or not you actually do have a favorite is not nearly as important as whether your children think you do.

The good news is, this can be corrected with time and attention. Because children need to know they are unconditionally loved, they’ll be waiting to soak it up.

Did your parents have a favorite?

My children aren’t yet old enough to do this study, but I cannot wait until they are. It’s called My Brother’s Keeper and it’s a study for your kids to take together to learn how to manage emotions and treat one another from God’s perspective. I really think this devotion would tie well into the favoritism idea and how it relates.

All Posts

Because instincts are not always to be trusted.

Here are some personal examples when my instincts tell me to do one thing, but my long-term values tell me to do another.

I think instincts must be tempered with a basic parenting strategy.

Without a strategy it will happen to the best of us.

Because forgiveness is a gift. And it can’t be forced

How to Teach Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process that should not be rushed.

Saying you forgive someone is not the same as forgiving someone.

Forgiveness is a choice, a gift.

What Teaching Forgiveness Looks Like in Action

True forgiveness…

Bedtime Brain Release Sheet

Here are some car safety tips and hacks for riding with toddlers

1. Get a good car seat that grows with your toddler

2. Put a shoe by the car seat to avoid forgetting your baby in a car

3. Store any supplies you might need in the car

4. Keep trash bags handy

5. Create busy bags

6. Get some good CDs, playlists, etc.

7. Keep snacks ready, but nothing that’ll melt

Make it easy

Change your expectations.

Avoid the baby poles.

Practice casting.

Live bait.

Just bring them along.

Fish where the fish are.

Keep time limits short.

Go barb-less.

Want to win a fishing trip?

Here are some ways to increase reading stamina in your small children.

What’s your favorite tip for giving your children a love of reading?

1. Think about how you “make lists” right now.

2. Be honest with yourself.

3. Factor in your season.

4. Focus on the big rocks.

5. Finish your list faster by…

Mom Problem Solving Worksheet

Determine your life rocks.

Learn to let go.

Make a change today.

Re-evaluate your ideals.

Some things that cause stress can’t be eliminated.

Back to the Basics Week:

1. Stop and think.

2. Schedule play in.

3. Get help to catch up.

4. Create easy systems.

Back to the Basics Posts:

The big rocks of parenting must happen intentionally.

Determining your “big rocks.”

Building your day around your parenting rocks.

Starting your day with your parenting rocks.

So tell me… what are your parenting rocks?

1. Serious damage is done to a child’s identity if they perceive they are not the favorite

2. Admit some relationships are easier than others

3. Individual love, not equal love, is the goal

4. Finding out how they receive love will be a huge key in developing a lasting strong relationship through adulthood

Did your parents have a favorite?